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Using Lucid dreaming as a topic to get with this girl
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Sleepy
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 2:33 am    Post subject: Using Lucid dreaming as a topic to get with this girl Reply with quote

Okay, there is this girl I wanted to go out with, she's pretty quiet, but...the only topics I managed to get her to talk about extensively while actually smiling were ....lucid dreaming and anime! Now, I talked to her recently and she said she was having the same problems with trying to have lucid dreams that I had.

Now I was going to ask her out but I was reading this book on dating, and it said I should try a primming date, basically I just meet her at a coffee shop and talk for about a hour...well I was wondering how I should word this and make it so that I ask her to go with with me for coffee but it shouldn't be for obvious reasons. I plan to make it originaly a meeting for talking about lucid dreaming and then switch it to something more romantic like a date.

I need help on that part ....

Or.......

Should I just skip that priming date part and just ask her out on a full fledged date? You see I'm a bit new to dating not to mention she's 17 or 18 and I"m 18 so going to a coffee shop sounds iffy at my age, not to mention it would be somewhat awkard.


Help?

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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 3:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I don't have much experience with dating either but because I am a girl, I thought I'd give you my two cents.

(After thinking about it): It's hard to give advice! I would suggest being straight-forward. You don't want to be too up-front about anything so as to scare her off (she might be timid) but you don't want to act too nonchalant or neutral. Just so you two keep things honest between each other, you might just ask her out so she knows where you stand and you know how she feels (watch for her reaction).

You could just let her know how you feel but say that "you want to become friends first" or whatever. Friendship isn't scary, a relationship often can be.

Having it be a casual meeting first seems to be a good way to go because that way there isn't much pressure and both of you can determine a little more how you feel in each other's company. If you find you have a lot in common and you "bond well" (for lack of a better term), that is often the precursor to "going out."

In the end, you just have to choose what seems right for you. I don't know you and I don't know her, but because you have that information, it's easier for you to make the call. Watch her facial expressions, body language, etc. when talking with her and see if you can determine better how she feels around you and whether she is comfortable or not. I don't know if I'd go for the "dating books" (never have read one myself) but reading about peoples' body language is very insightful. If you get good at understanding facial/body/voice, then you pretty much know what they're thinking and feeling.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help on this and maybe you're just looking for a guy on here to say, "Go for it, man!" but I tried to see the situation through both sides.

Good luck and I hope this isn't a joke (like dnLMicky's thread).

wink

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Sleepy
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a joke...the thing about her body language is that she seems shy and in a shell which means her showing emtion is not very common. It's not just me, I've been in a class with her for a year and she never talked to anybody or showed much emotion, she only showed some when I mentioed lucid dreaming and made some jokes in class.

I don't know that much about her either. She seems VERY shy or just no very open emotionally. I couldn't pry to deep.

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charlottedreamer
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 5:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Good luck and I hope this isn't a joke (like dnLMicky's thread).



haha! That's just what I though! 'Not going to fall for THAT one again!!'

Quote:
I don't know that much about her either. She seems VERY shy or just no very open emotionally. I couldn't pry to deep.


I find that the easiest way to deal with shy people is just talk to them for a long time on easy comfortable subjects. They will gain trust and feel that they can talk to you. Then later on introduct more deep topics. kiekeboe

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Sentient
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 5:43 am    Post subject: lol the wannabe love doctor here! Reply with quote

Firstly, the knowing of how you feel. I dont really know if you need to be like 'i like you' cuz if you do feel as you say its going to be so obvious (even if you dont think youre putting out such signs) and shed have to be blind not to pick up on it. Now, she would be picking up on it, look for how she responds. Also, though, you might just wanna tell her actually just to clear things up. (though wait a while maybe so that it doesnt surprise or scare her off)

Yes, i agree with sno that you would be wise to get to know her first. If you are friends at first, at least you will eventually find out if you two are compatible. If youre in a relationship and find out you are not compatible, youve gotta part and thats no fun. neutral In a friendship and you notice something real bad, friendships are easier to end basically what im saying. Also, she most likely feels the same way, and is not the type to jump into relationships before knowing the other person (you and her might wanna talk about it). ^^

Yes, body language is very good, very insightful. When someones talking to you about something, their body language never lies. It might be hard at first to pay attention to body language, and be careful in that when you do that you dont take attention away from what theyre actually saying. Also, try not to stare, she'll may think youre checking her out (which you could sneak in siiw ) which could be flattering or freaky to her. Peripheral observance, you know hand gestures, posture, etc. Improve your communication to the point of paying attention to the whole person, their body language, speech, tone of voice, etc. Also, i personally find eyes to be the most communicative. siiw LOL. That does require a little 'knowing' first tho methinks. The more shy a person, the less they'll prob make eye contact tho.

LOL i wish i payed more attention to body language.

But anyways body language you make an assumption about her there. She is shy and in a shell in class, right? Well maybe if you two were alone (or in at least less a public setting) she might be more open. Talk between classes or something. You say she showed emotion and whatnot when you mentioned lucid dreaming and joked around? Well, most people tend to open up more to someone when they find they have something in common, or when they are amused. LOL i remember my reaction when i found that someone wink was into lucid dreaming. I almost freaked out I was sooo surprised!

lol, if youre looking for someone to just say 'go for it' support type thing. Well, hey man i would say go for it (as in get to know her, be it out or not) dont waste time pondering and speculating, it never turns out the way you think.

If youre gonna ask her out. A coffee shop IMO wouldnt be too awkward. It just depends on the type of person. Oh wait, you said shes shy and not too communicative? Then she might not be too up to chilling at a coffee shop and talking for an hour or so. Then again you never know she might open up to ya. I dont know if she'd go for something romantic right away, shy as you say.

LOL, if you got to know her, probably as friends first, youd most likely be surprised at how much you'll end up knowing about her. Heck youd probably forget that she was shy in the first place! ^^

Hey well good luck man! my best wishes siiw

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TimeLess
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 7:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

well i think most bases are covered there tounge2

hey when you talked to her about dreaming did she open up at all ? you said that you talked to her for a good long time, byu the sounds of it she is an introvert and on the main lucid dreamers are introverts, more time to them selvs or somthing, not being one i wouldnt know but anyway.

u could use the dream topic as a smooth and easy way to get to know her better, or go on a date. if you are both into lucid dreaming, which by the sounds of it you are then find out if she is into precog as well. when she saks why tell her about this dream that you had, where you and her went out to (some place where she is interested in, maybe she does like coffee tounge2 movies etc) and you were hoping that it was a dream about the future cuz you sure had a lot of fun.

play it smooth and right and you should be heading on that dream date you had wink

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Sleepy
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 3:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think I'll ask if she wants to get something eat after school.

That way I can skip sonmething like a coffe shop and still talk to her, I don't wanna be her friend though...I wann stay away from the friend zone but I get what your saying

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Monitor199a
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 6:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She doesn't drink coffee. I would recommend you ask her if she wants to see a movie. The girl will say yes, don't worry about it.

I thought this thread was going to be another Geico advertisement too!

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Dream Monster
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 9:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Get her ADAP* and jump straight to kissing. Problem solved smile

*As Drunk As Possible

No, seriously i think shy girls are a little hopeless, especially since I'm also very shy. Imagine this conversation:

Me: Um h-hi?
Shy Girl: Hello...
Me: Eh..
Shy girl: ...
Me: ...

And it's hard to tell if she likes you or not, because if she does she will be to shy to show it rightaway, and if she dislikes you she will be to shy to show that as well. Also, she might say no even if she likes you, just because she finds it a little scary being asked out.

Quote:
I think I'll ask if she wants to get something eat after school.


This sounds great. Tell us how it worked smile

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Raging_Canadian
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 9:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, I think I may have been the last person to post a legit post trying to get help with a girl (I'm pretty sure but I may have missed one).

I'll say a few things then share a little story just so you know I'm not just throwing BS at you. Trust me my story is true(wouldn't want to make up something that bland).

Asking her out for coffee is a very good idea. I'm also 18 and its not "iffy" going for coffee. Just try to find a cozy little cafe rather than a Starbucks. Its pretty neutral, unlike a candle light picnic, so she should be pretty relaxed and not to nervous. I wouldn't suggest going for dinner and/or a movie because its definitly more datish and if she is shy it will put her on edge, and burn a larger hole in your pocket Plus people tend to get pissy if you talk through a movie. whatsthat

And remember you don't have to pay. You'll offer to pay and she'll say oh no I couldn't let you. What happens next is up to you. You can insist or . . . not.

I wouldn't try to tell her it was just to talk about LD'ing, women are usually pretty good at interpretting body language, and already realizes that you have more on your mind that just talking dreams.

Quote:
Get her ADAP* and jump straight to kissing. Problem solved

Funny you should mention that. . . (too bad thats another [better] story wink )

So story:

Called her up, set up a time to meet at a coffee shop by my house. I get there a little early, find out the place is closed. I was all WTF! a coffee shop closed on a Sunday afternoon?!! So I sit outside and wait. She's a little late. We head to a local Starbucks. I say "Wow my first time in a Starbucks." I end up having to explain that one. I'm not much of a coffee drinker. Turns out neither is she. So we head to a local bar insead. We end up sitting on the patio talking until I started getting sunburned, and we still know like nothing about each other. So we start asking a bunch of absurd questions about each other until the bill comes around. Gee, what's your favorite color? Oh yea I was a gentleman, at least when it came to paying. It was kinda windy so I had to weigh the bills down with a 41% tip cry

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Presence of Light
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i know i should read more of the posts in here but

"You could just let her know how you feel but say that "you want to become friends first" or whatever. Friendship isn't scary, a relationship often can be. "

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NOOOOOOO

Okay... I will first say that I don't know much about relationships, but I have my experience, and I have other peopel's experience... and I have ladder theory which I think tends to be true.

First of all, this is the biggest mistake you can ever make.

Right now neither of you have anything to lose.

If you hold off on your emotions, and she holds off on her emotions, but you two become friends, this puts you in a very bad boat.

I.E. you don't know what the hell she feels about you, and she probably doesn't know what the hell you feel about her.

Now whether you like each other or not, you are now friends, you are very worried that if you ask her out, this will jeopardize the freindship if she says no, or she feels the same way.

This leads to the "I don't want to ruin our friendship" crap..... it's a horrible thing to hear, and it becomes mentality for both sides... chances are, if she likes you SHE ALREADY LIKES YOU..... if you wait too long that throws all sorts of mixed signals into the field and complicates things.

It's best to be upfront about that stuff..... for example with me being the shy one, I liked her forever but didn't know a damn thing about relationships, and she sent mixed signals.... when I finally told her (after months) we were already "just friends"

now girls think they can be "just friends" with a guy, even if he likes her..... but in reality that just results in much heartbreak/sorrow for the guy, as he wants more... if the girl doesn't, she is going to end up manipulating him (as he will do outlandish things for her that he wouldnt' do for just a friend, in attempts to win her over, and waste tons of money on her)

so you basically end up in a relationship where you do all the things people that date do, and you WASTE TONS OF DAMN MONEY, but you don't get any affection, etc... in return.

I do not know how this applies to a chick that likes a guy, is friends with him, then they decide to become friends due to uncertainty of each others feelings, then when they are friends she likes him a lot but doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to jeapordize ending the friendship... but I'd imagine it's much the same.

Please... the most important thing you can do is not deny your feelings, if you don't know her very well just say "hey i'd kind of like to maybe get to know you would you like to go _____________ and talk a while?" and then if that goes well..... go ahead and play it out for a few more "dates" no more than 3-4 I'd say... if she seems to be opening up, seems to at least like you as a person, that'd be the time to say "i kind of like you" or something... let it be known you like her for more than just someone to talk to.. you are interested in more.

If you push it too far (maybe after 2 dates would work) you're going to end up in a friendship trap where things get screwed up.

http://laddertheory.com/

everyone should seriously read that, there are exceptions, but not many.... relationships are very much biologically and socially predictable... women want status, they want money, and they want support...... men have been "providers" for a damn long time.

men on the other hand, just want action, basically..

there are many other wants out there but those two things ultimately sum up the male/female desires, I do believe... aside from just wanting love/companionship, women want financial support... status.... security....

and well... just read ladder theory, it is extremely true during the HS days and it's still largely true in the real world.

I firmly believe that a guy and a girl cannot be friends if the guy likes the girl... it just causes problems... and i don't know about how it goes on the girl side of things.... but.

The goal to a healthy relationship is being upfront and discrete with your feelings, not delaying them.... not playing word/mind games.... give her a test date or two, if she seems at least mildly interested, tell her how you feel.

Do not play it out for a friendship or things get awkward, confused, and screwed up.

Please do not do that. I can almost guarantee a friendship will not work if you like her and she doesn't like you... then you end up developing an obsession over her, you love her, you run endless scenarios thruogh your head wondering why she wont' love you... it tears you apart, you'd kill just to be able to hold her close to you, but she won't allow that... and why? WHY?

It drives a man mad.... it's not good. If she doesn't like you and you want to be friends with her you need to find another girl to obsessed with, convince yourself she is ugly, or get a girlfriend.

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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Sun May 02, 2004 11:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

holy reality, you have some great points (as always) but I don't think you're necessarily dead-on with the whole "friendship" thing. True, having it be labeled a "friendship" can make it stressful for the guy who is WAY more into the girl than she is into the him. But by being friends, you KEEP A DOOR OPEN which allows the girl to get to know him better and truly assess her feelings. People change all the time and it is quite possible "being friends" would allow her to go beyond that level. I'm not saying it works out this way every time (and I know it often works out the way you stated), but it still is a possibility and is capable of happening. Especially in Sleepy's case. This is an extremely shy girl. She most likely has never dated before and feels awkward with that type of thing. Being friends can often disarm a person. Being comfortable first but still knowing how the other person feels might lead to a "relationship" which is the main goal anyway. I'm a girl, so I know how girls think. My ideal "match" is the guy who was first my best friend and then my boyfriend. I think most females are just mushy that way. We want a strong connection and a support base before we invest in anything more.

Sleepy, please tell us how it goes and again, Good Luck!

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Raging_Canadian
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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2004 1:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

sno_isulli:
Don't you think she'll catch on pretty quick that he's considering her for more than a friend? It'll be pretty obvious unless he sends some seriously messed signals. When you were just friends with you current boyfriend didn't you have even a rough idea that he liked you?
Quote:
Being friends can often disarm a person. Being comfortable first but still knowing how the other person feels might lead to a "relationship" which is the main goal anyway

If you're spending time together, having fun, getting to know someone, with the knowlegde that it could be leading to a relationship, isn't that just casual dating? Or do you not consider it that until the first move is made and reciprocated?

holy reality:
You make a good point that you shouldn't try friends first but that site is full of copious amounts of BS. I read the whole thing, and it would have lowered my IQ but he used big words to try to trick us. At least we know the author owns a dictionary.

From the Site:
Quote:
Criticism: Do you expect to get laid when you have this whole site devoted to how much you hate women?
Answer: First off, this is a forum for my narcissism. As to hatred of women -- if that's what you think then you are clearly projecting your guilt about being a bitch onto me. Not a single woman who wasn't a bitch has ever complained about misogyny at this site. I can prove this on an abacus.

Criticism: In the section on ladder disparity you make reference to the 'hypotenuse.' The ladders however, are metaphorical constructs, and are not a defined distance apart from each other so this term is misleading.
Answer: It seems that way at first, but that's because you have failed to understand the topology of Ladder Space, which should of course should be so obvious that a formal proof is not required. Idiot.


I'd say he's a love scorned math science major, with no personality.

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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2004 2:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
sno_isulli:
Don't you think she'll catch on pretty quick that he's considering her for more than a friend? It'll be pretty obvious unless he sends some seriously messed signals. When you were just friends with you current boyfriend didn't you have even a rough idea that he liked you?


Firstoff, I don't mean for him to act like he ISN'T interested in her, but let her know he is taking it slow for her sake. Of course she would pick up on his true feelings (people are perceptive--God, I hope so!), but by knowing that he cares enough to keep things simple or whatever at first, it may be more of a draw then just him saying, "Yeah, I'm interested in you so let's start dating, okay?" Secondly, I don't have a boyfriend but was just saying that best friend THEN boyfriend would be the way I would want things to go. (Call me old-fashioned.)

I agree with what you said about "casual dating" cause that's what it would be. So I guess it comes down to definition of words: "Friendship" to me could be interpreted as both friendship AND casual dating, it just depends on the context. (Sorry for the confusion.)

Now that I've put in WAY more than my two cents, I plan to say goodbye to this thread and hope Sleepy has success with his, er, feat!

wink

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Sleepy
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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2004 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm going to ask her out to eat after school on tuesday since I'm busy monday. On monday I'm just going to start a convo starting off with asking what her name is(I never did find out since we used fake names in spanish class).

EDIT: maybe monday...if possible

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