They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.”
“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”
Another one…
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, “Life is so darned boring. We never have any
fun any more. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled
her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”
Another…
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, “That`s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Why, he shouldn’t say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Yet another…
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming goes into The doctor’s office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes Back and says, “I’m not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS.”
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, “Doc, what can I do?”
The doctor says, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal… and top it off with a gallon of prunejuice.”
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”
“No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”
And another… tell me if i did too much…
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me sir” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turns around and says “Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?”
“I’m from Dublin” came the reply.
“Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy street”
The second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”
“162” the first man replies.
“Me too! What are your parents names?”
“Connor and Shannon”
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks “What’s new today?”
“Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.”