why do French tanks have 5 gears in reverse and one forward?
Just incase someone attacks from the rear!
They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The skeptical man said triumphantly, “You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years.”
“No”, replied the super computer immediately. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout.”
Another one…
Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, “Life is so darned boring. We never have any
fun any more. For $5.00 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!”
“You’re on!” said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled
her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.
“What happened?” asked her waiting friend.
“I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.”
Another…
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, “That`s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, “Why, he shouldn’t say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that.”
“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!”
“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”
Yet another…
A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming goes into The doctor’s office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes Back and says, “I’m not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS.”
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, “Doc, what can I do?”
The doctor says, “I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal… and top it off with a gallon of prunejuice.”
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”
“No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”
And another… tell me if i did too much…
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me sir” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me!”
The second man turns around and says “Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?”
“I’m from Dublin” came the reply.
“Me too! What street do you live on?”
“McCarthy street”
The second man replies, “Me too! What number is it?”
“162” the first man replies.
“Me too! What are your parents names?”
“Connor and Shannon”
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, “Mine too! This is unbelievable!”
So, they buy some more Guinness and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks “What’s new today?”
“Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though.”
TO: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.
Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).
If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).
Thank you,
Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES
Company Policy: Effective from April 1st 2006
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you can buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctors, you are able to come to work.
Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 annual leave days per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee’s involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch break and subsequently leave 30 minutes early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company intranet under the Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people will be allowed 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Love it ^^
Man, I laughed my ass off on that S.H.I.T joke!
Well, even a joke that is S.H.I.T. or about S.H.I.T. Can get people laughing like S.H.I.T.
Looks so much like real!
Yeah. 
Well, its all from one B.I.G.S.H.I.T to the other B.I.G.S.H.I.Ts
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a
big juicy steak on his grill.
Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the
neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done
about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and
they couldn’t take it anymore.
They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic.
They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him
and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now
you are Catholic.”
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved.
The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill.
The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John’s yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?
The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with
a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak
on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and
now you are a fish.”
Educating Parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, “Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing.” “What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They say, 'Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?” “That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed, “I can see why you
are embarrassed.” He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I’m sure your parrots will stop saying
that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you,” the woman
responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, “Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?”
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, “Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
Casino Nudity
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed…
“YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,
“What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching!”
Moral - not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!
Heard that one before. That’s a cheap trick.
Hey i’ve got one
Postman
An eighty year old man who lives in a village go to the postal service. He want to post a letter to his son in the city. He found postman there,
Old man: Mr. Postman, can you help me write a letter to my son?
Postman: That’s no problem.
So the postman wrote everything that Oldman want to say to his son. Half hour later the writing is done. Oldman ask another help.
Oldman: Can you do me another help?
Postman: It’s our job mr.
Oldman: Please worte PS: Sorry the writing is ugly.
boooooooooo! (i guess i’m a musician too though - i play piano too!)
a couple musical jokes:
-
how do you get two oboes in tune?
shoot one of them -
how do you get two bagpipes in tune?
shoot both of them
I was seriously just about to post that, and it turns out it’s first joke in Part II! Funny joke, though.
Cross a ghost with a police officer, which brings what results?
SPOILER - Click to view
An in-spectre…
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
…
I’m bored, so you may be bombarded with oneliners.
-
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
-
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
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Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
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“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”
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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
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An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
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A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He Shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”
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I went to a seafood disco last week… And pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Of course it sank. This proved once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
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A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other went to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
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Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends hoping that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh . No pun in ten did.
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Two blondes walk into a building…you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
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Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
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A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” "What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “No, because he’s really heavy”
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Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”
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Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat boy!”
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
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A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
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Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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What did the moogle who had to read 37 lame jokes say? -
