Hold on. If you stopped being a Christian would you go out on a killing spree the next day? Would you kidnap children? Would you take over the world?
I know that feeling… it’s pretty overwhelming to feel like evil has overtaken you. But ask, what is evil?
Make a definition.
I don’t think you would ever do evil in your entire life, regardless of if you were a Christian or not.
Maybe there is a deeper reason you are fearful?
according to Jungian psychology we all have a shadow figure lodged in our psyches, which takes in everything we repress, deny, and refuse to think about.
So for a strict celibate catholic, the shadow may be an evil, lustful, disturbingly sexual looking beast… who brings great fear and disgust for the catholic to see.
Well, interestingly, Christians are given shadows by being told about Satan… and that’s a tough one to think about, because they say it’s real. Kind of like saying the Old Hag in SP is real. (and you have to judge… you’re the only one that can determine what is and isn’t real)
but so let’s say you systemtatically, everytime you feel doubt about your faith, shove it into your shadow and force your unconscious to deal with it, pretty soon there gets to be a sensation of something quite “evil” haunting you whenever you question, and it can be pretty strong. But it’s only because you feed it by refusing to allow yourself to feel certain emotions.
This shadow can be interacted with in dreams and hypnotic/psychedelic states, and is often responsible for nightmares, etc.
[googling Ann Shulgin , and Grof will prove some interesting reading on shadows and various psychedelic/hypnotic/dream interactions in order to heal]
What I’m getting at, is this feeling might have a lot to teach you… because you are giving it TREMENDOUS power by hiding from it.
Like, when I was little I got scared playing Sim Ant… it made me afraid of spiders. I systematically hid from spiders until I had a full fledged phobia. For a while they were literally the “devli” to me, the most terrifying, unthinkable, unfaceable thing imaginable! They were a clear shadow of mine, that I kept feeding and making stronger, always following me everywhere I go and influencing my behavior.
however… i was also made afraid of snakes because of my mother, but shortly after the fear developed, reading rainbow had an episode about them, and I watched and learned right away that snakes weren’t scary at all.
had I faced my spider fear when it was still “small” I would not have had a phobia.
In this way to me, this is how “Satan” is created and given power over the individual. It does not mean he is real, it means that he is everything you repress in your psyche. [but he is “real” in the sense that a dream character is]
Note that most people are tempted by trivial things like “Man that girl is hot” (and I consider lust very demeaning to women! don’t get me wrong!) or “I really really want to eat a ton of food but it’s wasteful” or “man that guy is a jerk, I hate him”
not “man tomorrow I want to start a genocide up and go vandalize my neighbors car!”
you may have a ton to learn if you let yourself doubt and pay attention to how it makes you feel. It doesn’t mean to not be a Christian, that is your choice and yours alone. It means to consider all possibilities, so you can be the sanest and healthiest individual possible
The right faith is one which completely frees your very soul in this current life that you are living. All people have morals and inclinations to resist “evil” regardless of their doctrine. Atheists do. Even practicing witches, wiccans, pagans, medicine men, etc.
so if you get those feelings, you can just breathe deep and explore, and say… “why, what causes this, and what do I think is happening?” let yourself doubt, till the problem is resolved. then you won’t doubt anymore!