the BIG Jokes topic Part II

Hey i’ve got one

Postman

An eighty year old man who lives in a village go to the postal service. He want to post a letter to his son in the city. He found postman there,
Old man: Mr. Postman, can you help me write a letter to my son?
Postman: That’s no problem.
So the postman wrote everything that Oldman want to say to his son. Half hour later the writing is done. Oldman ask another help.
Oldman: Can you do me another help?
Postman: It’s our job mr.
Oldman: Please worte PS: Sorry the writing is ugly.

boooooooooo! (i guess i’m a musician too though - i play piano too!)

a couple musical jokes:

  • how do you get two oboes in tune?
    shoot one of them

  • how do you get two bagpipes in tune?
    shoot both of them

I was seriously just about to post that, and it turns out it’s first joke in Part II! Funny joke, though.

Cross a ghost with a police officer, which brings what results?

SPOILER - Click to view

An in-spectre…

How do you keep a moron in suspense?

I’m bored, so you may be bombarded with oneliners.

  1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

  2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

  3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

  4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

  5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, and one for the road.”

  6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”

  7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, It’s Not Unusual.”

  8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

  9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.

  10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

  11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

  12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He Shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

  13. I went to a seafood disco last week… And pulled a mussel.

  14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

  15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”

  16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Of course it sank. This proved once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why,” they asked. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

  18. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other went to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

  19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him … . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

  20. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends hoping that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh . No pun in ten did.

  21. Two blondes walk into a building…you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.

  22. Phone answering machine message - “…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”

  23. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

  24. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

  25. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

  26. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

  27. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

  28. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet, “let’s have look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” "What? Because he’s cross-eyed? “No, because he’s really heavy”

  29. Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.” “How’s that?” “Don’t you start.”

  30. Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!

  31. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said "Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’

  32. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

  33. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat boy!”

  34. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

  35. “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”

  36. A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”

  37. Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

  38. What did the moogle who had to read 37 lame jokes say? - :thud: :tongue:

:smile: I think those are my favourites.

Here’s a joke i saw online a long time ago:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief… “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”
“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”
“Oh my God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

/me groans

… and wonders about number 29 … i don’t get it

after reading all of these all I can say is lol

Whispa, I told your joke at my concert tonight :smile: People seemed to like it a lot!

A little boy goes to his father and asks “Daddy, how was I born?”

The father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

You got Male

:rofl:

How was the concert? Were you performing?

It went well! It was a concert for the Jazz Band at my highschool. I play Baritone Saxophone in it. The whole “theme” of the concert was Jokes and Java, so people got to wander around and drink coffee and deserts while we played, and told jokes in between.

Train Ride

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

“How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?” asks one of the men.

“Watch and learn,” answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please!! "

The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don’t buy any ticket at all!!

“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed man

“Watch and learn,” answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves hertoilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.

The woman knocks on their door and says,“Ticket, please.”
================================================== ===================================
The String

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked “Why the spoon?” … “Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we canreduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
asked the waiter “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?” “Oh,certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found
out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent.”

“After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk…

The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.

The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, "You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”

“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??”

“I can’t pee out of it,” he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you’re gonna lose!

LOL! good one, Mohegan

My priest told me this one :tongue:

A guy is late… again… this time for an important meeting. He DESPERATELY needs to get there in time. He drives around the block what must have been 40 times looking for a parking space, but he can’t find any. With time running out, he leans out his window and shouts “God, i promise i will go to church every sunday, i just need a parking space!”

Then, a miracle. A space opens up right in front of the doors he needs to go in! The man leans out his window and shouts “Never mind, i found one!”

Ok here’s a few:

A Pirate was looking out to sea one day and spys a single ship coming to attack. He calls to yhe first mate. “Prepare for battle and fetch me my red shirt” The first mate does this and the ships fight an epic battle. The captains ship wins. After the fight the first mate asks the captain. “Why do you wear your red shirt sir?” The captain replied “Well if I was wounded the crew wouldn’t be able to see it and give up.” A few days went by and the Captain spys thirty enemy ships comeing towards them. He calls to the first mate. “Fetch me my brown pants and prepare for battle!.”

OK to keep with the theme:

A pirate meets an old pirate friend who has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye.

“What happened to your leg?”

“It was bitten off by a shark.”

“What happened to your hand?”

“It was blown off in a battle”

“What happened to your eye?”

“A seagull crapped in my eye.”

“That won’t take your eye out.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

Thats all for now :smile:

What is the difference between a caberet show and a magic show?

One is a cunning array of stunts and the other…

i got this off of internet
#1 God got really pissed so he decided to end the world he called what he thought were the most powerful men in the world Boris Yeltsvin,Bill Gates and Bill Clinton he told each man that they have one week to prepare there people for the apocalypse then he sent them back to earth bill clinton gathered all his officials and said i have good news and bad news good news is there is god bad news is he is going to end the world then boris yeltsvin gathered everyone and said i have bad news and worse news the bad news is there is a god the worse news is he is going to end the world then bill gates gathered all his engineers and said i have goodnews and betternews the goodnews is god considers me the most powerful man on earth the better news is we dont have to fix windows 95