the BIG Jokes topic Part II

LOL! good one, Mohegan

My priest told me this one :tongue:

A guy is late… again… this time for an important meeting. He DESPERATELY needs to get there in time. He drives around the block what must have been 40 times looking for a parking space, but he can’t find any. With time running out, he leans out his window and shouts “God, i promise i will go to church every sunday, i just need a parking space!”

Then, a miracle. A space opens up right in front of the doors he needs to go in! The man leans out his window and shouts “Never mind, i found one!”

Ok here’s a few:

A Pirate was looking out to sea one day and spys a single ship coming to attack. He calls to yhe first mate. “Prepare for battle and fetch me my red shirt” The first mate does this and the ships fight an epic battle. The captains ship wins. After the fight the first mate asks the captain. “Why do you wear your red shirt sir?” The captain replied “Well if I was wounded the crew wouldn’t be able to see it and give up.” A few days went by and the Captain spys thirty enemy ships comeing towards them. He calls to the first mate. “Fetch me my brown pants and prepare for battle!.”

OK to keep with the theme:

A pirate meets an old pirate friend who has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye.

“What happened to your leg?”

“It was bitten off by a shark.”

“What happened to your hand?”

“It was blown off in a battle”

“What happened to your eye?”

“A seagull crapped in my eye.”

“That won’t take your eye out.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

Thats all for now :smile:

What is the difference between a caberet show and a magic show?

One is a cunning array of stunts and the other…

i got this off of internet
#1 God got really pissed so he decided to end the world he called what he thought were the most powerful men in the world Boris Yeltsvin,Bill Gates and Bill Clinton he told each man that they have one week to prepare there people for the apocalypse then he sent them back to earth bill clinton gathered all his officials and said i have good news and bad news good news is there is god bad news is he is going to end the world then boris yeltsvin gathered everyone and said i have bad news and worse news the bad news is there is a god the worse news is he is going to end the world then bill gates gathered all his engineers and said i have goodnews and betternews the goodnews is god considers me the most powerful man on earth the better news is we dont have to fix windows 95

God made punctuation marks for a reason…

I’m going to post some blonde jokes cause they’re really easy to remember. (no offense to blonde people)

A blondes standing at a vending machine and keep putting money in typing the number and taking something out.
A person walks up behind them and says " excuse i’ve been waiting ages can i use this"
The Blonde says. “i’m not moving from here I keep winning!”
It sound better if i actually say it…oh well

I said to a blonde on december the 20th that christmas was just around the corner and then they rn off to look for it.

A blonde a brunette and a ginger person are on an island in the middle of a lake without a boat but with trees on the island. They can see the mainland from where they are. The blonde swims across to the mainland. The Ginger person cuts down some trees and makes a raft. The brunette walks across the bridge.

2 blondes walk into a building.
you’d think 1 of them would of noticed it.

The little candle said to the big candle “i’m going out tonight”

Patient:Doctor! Doctor! theres a strawberry growing out of my arse!
Doctor: I’ll give you some cream for it.

Sorry that most of my jokes are really bad. :grin:

An arial and a satilight got married the other day.

The cerimony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!! Love that joke.

Lol, I love that one - I told one of my classmates it and he actually thought about it for 10 minutes! Then he ate half the copper carbonate powder he was testing.

I have a joke, but I haven’t any other of these type of jokes on the thread so if there is some reason it shouldn’t be here, I’ll edit. :content:

“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting Cow.”
"Interrupting C- "
“MOO!”

A funny clip from the ‘Big Train’ comedy series youtube.com/watch?v=s70anwYaAxA :grin:

I found this joke on a website about a year ago. Kind of funny.

Good one :grin:

Insurance claim forms… These are real BTW.

“I STARTED to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.”

“I PULLED into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket”

Q: COULD either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

THIS customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on his claim
form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by other party?
A: Moo.

“I STARTED to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and a elephant
tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and
hit a bollard”

“ON approach to the lights the car in front suddenly broke”

“I DIDN’T think the speed limit applied after midnight”

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting, or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry ***an.

“FIRST car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis run into
the rear of second car”

“WINDSCREEN broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo.”

“The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again”

“I PULLED away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment”

“THE other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention”

“I COLLIDED with a stationary truck coming the other way”

“A TRUCK backed through my windshield into my wife’s face”

“A PEDESTRIAN hit me and went under my car”

“IN an attempt to kill a fly. I drove into a telephone pole”

“I HAD been shopping for plants all day and was on my home. As I reached an
intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other car”

“TO avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian”

“AN invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished”

“I WAS thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows”

“MY car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle”

“I WAS on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way cause me to have an accident”

“THE pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran him over”

o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found
that I had a fractured skull.

o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car.

o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end.

o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.

o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

“I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.”

“When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.”

“The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.”

“No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.”

“I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.”

“The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.”

“I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.”

“The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.”

“My car got hit by a submarine.” (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)

“I drove out of my drive straight into a bus… The bus was four minutes early.”

“Coming home from work, I turned into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven’t got.”

“I drove into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings”

“The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week”

“The pedestrian admitted the accident was his fault had he been knocked down before”

what’s brown and sticky?

:content:

A stick. :tongue:

Two drums and a symbol fall out of a truck.

duh-duh tss

That’s supposed to be that drumline played at the end of the punchline. Loses its edge in text.

EDIT: fixed one
1)Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the award?

He was out standing in his field. :happy:

  1. A guy walks into a diner and sits down. He orders his usual meal and starts eating. Halfway through he notices a Panda is eating not to far away. The Panda finishes its meal, gets up, takes out two pistols and starts shooting, then it walks out the door. The guy asks the waiter, “Why did the Panda just take out pistols and start shooting?” The waiter replied, “Look it up in the dictionary.” When the guy gets home he looks up Panda. It says “Panda:eats shoots and leaves.”

  2. Did you hear about the teacher with the lazy eye that was fired?

She couldn’t control her pupils.

  1. An atom walks into a bar and has a few drinks. When the atom is about to walk out the door, he notices he’s missing an electron. “I’ve just lost my electron!” “Are you sure?” said the bartender. “I’m positive!”

  2. Did you know that bombs from a bomber are always 100% accurate? They always hit the ground!

  3. A plane is flying through some thick fog at night time.

The pilot then pulled out .38 revolver.
Pilot: You know what I use this for?
Navigator: What?
Pilot: I use it on navigators who get me lost!
The navigator then pulls out a .44 magnum.
Pilot: What’s that for?
Navigator: To tell you the truth, I’ll know we’re lost before you do.

  1. Two friends are walking down the street and stumble upon a genie’s lamp. “Wow! We could get three wishes!” So one of them rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says “You get three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your friend will receive double.” “Ok! I wish for a billion dollars!” “You know your friend will get double?” “Oh, I know.”
    Poof! a billion dollars appeared and 2 billion for the friend. “For my second wish, I wish for a 2000 foot yacht.” “Ok, your friend gets a 4000 foot one though.” “And what will your last wish be?” The first friend said “I wish to be beaten half to death.” “You know your friend gets double, right?” “Yes I do.”

I read this on someone’s blog the other day, it’s so bad but my sister and I laughed for 3 minutes. :tongue: :grin:

Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?”
When Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Margaret and the Nun said “Very good” and Margaret fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun asked Margaret, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” But, Margaret didn’t even stir from her slumber.
0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Margaret and the Nun said “Very Good” and Margaret fell back asleep.
Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
Again Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that d**m thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Nun fainted.

3 blondes were walking in the woods and came across some tracks.
Blonde 1: I think they’re bear tracks.
Blonde 2: I think they’re wolf tracks.
The 3rd blonde couldn’t say anything. She got ran over by a train.
:grin:
I love dumb blonde jokes…

A. The japanese eats little fat and have less heart attacks than englishmen and americans.

B. The french eats a lot of fat and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.

C. The japanes drinks little red wine and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.

D. The italians drink a lot of red wine and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.

SPOILER - Click to view

Conclusion: Eat and drink exactly what and how much or little you want. It’s talking english that kills people.

I found this joke to be one of the best ones I’ve ever heard. I heard it 6 months ago but I can’t find it so it’s written straight from my memory.
(Translated from Swedish)

A woman was driving along the road when a cop shouts for her to pull over. The woman parks her car aside the road and the male cop comes up to her.
“Excuse me ma’m but are you aware that you were driving way too fast?”, the cop says.
"Oh, I’m sorry., the woman answers
“Do you have a drivers license?”, the cop says.
"Yeah, I think it’s here somewhere along with my gun, the woman answers
“You have a gun in your car?!”, the cop says.
"Ah, yes, it’s not the most modern gun, and it has blood stains all over it but it sure works good., the woman answers
“Blood? Who’s blood?”, the cop asks.
“The blood from the guy I shot, he’s laying in my luggage space along with some hitchhiker from last week.”, the woman answers.
“Oh my god, stay right here!”, the cop command the woman.
“As you wish, officer.”, she answers.

The cop walks quickly up to his car and calls for backup.
The chief police walks up to the woman, armed and backed up by two other cops. The cop who pulled her over is standing back at his car.
The chief of police asks the woman to step out of the car. She does exactly what she’s been told.
They search her car but cannot find any bodies or guns.

“One of my men told me you had two dead bodies in your luggage space, is that true?”, he asks the woman.
“What? No, not at all.”, the woman aswers chocked but calmly.
“I also heard that you had a gun in your car, is that true?”, the chief of police asks her.
“Absolutely not! Let me guess, he’s also told you I was speeding?!”, the woman answers.

This is not the original joke (which I’m sure was much funnier) but this was written from my memory.

You Know You’re Living In 2007 When…

  1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

  2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

  4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

  6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

  7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

  8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

  9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

  10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

  11. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

  12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

  13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

  14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.