the BIG Jokes topic Part II

That joke is brilliant… I heard it ages ago, and still laugh at it.

here’s one for you… Might offend, so it will be in spoilers…

[spoiler] Jesus walks into a hotel one day, and gives the receptionist a handful of nails. The receptionist looks bewildered and then Jesus speaks.

"Hey, can you put me up for the night? [/spoiler]

i know that joke , (the one moogle wrote…) its nice :happy:
eyeroll at HebreWs joke …

That joke’s from The Crow isn’t it, HebrewB?

What’s black and white and eats like a horse?

SPOILER - Click to view

A Zebra

Indeed it is… Awesome movie… R.I.P Brandon Lee…

Someone else posted this on another forum, and thought it would be nice to post it here too. It’s quite long, but some are pretty nice :content:

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH :

  1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
  2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
  3. a. You can legally kill yourself
    b. You can legally be killed
  4. You’re exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
  5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen
    is your capital…
  6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it’s a
    national tradition.
  7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
  8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still
    you’ve never seen your neighbours.
  9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame
    the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
  10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN :

  1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
  2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
    country.
  3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
  4. You are either
    a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
    b.like the French, just less romantic
    c.like the Germans
  5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
  6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and
    they make fun of you.
  7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
  8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
  9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
  10. Face it. It’s not really a country, is it?

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

Give them a second chance :

  1. Oktoberfest.
  2. Oktoberfest-beer.
  3. BMW.
  4. VW.
  5. Audi.
  6. Mercedes.
  7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail
    in any other country of the world.
  8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
  9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
  10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :
  11. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
  12. Warm beer.
  13. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
  14. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
  15. Union jack underpants.
  16. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
  17. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
  18. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
  19. Ditto changing underwear.
  20. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :

  1. You ain’t English!
  2. You ain’t English!
  3. You ain’t English!
  4. You ain’t English!
  5. You ain’t English!
  6. You ain’t English!
  7. You ain’t English!
  8. You ain’t English!
  9. You ain’t English!
  10. You ain’t English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH :

  1. You’ve got to be having a laugh, haven’t you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :

  1. Guinness.
  2. 18 children because you can’t use contraceptives.
  3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone’s road.
  4. Pubs never close.
  5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican
    Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can’t have sex
    with a condom on.
  6. No one can ever remember the night before.
  7. Kill people you don’t agree with.
  8. Stew.
  9. More Guinness.
  10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
    morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :
  11. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
  12. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
  13. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog’s legs.
  14. If there’s a war you can surrender really early.
  15. You don’t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
    Channel 4.
  16. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people’s countries.
  17. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
  18. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
    humiliating your sense of national pride.
  19. You don’t have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
  20. People think you’re a great lover even when you’re not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :

  1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
  2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
  3. You can call Budweiser beer.
  4. You can be a crook and still be president.
  5. If you’ve got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
  6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
  7. You get to be really obese.
  8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
    seems to care.
  9. You get to call everyone you’ve never met “buddy”.
  10. You can think you’re the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN :

  1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
  2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
  3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
    ozone-hole radiation the other half.
  4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
  5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
  6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
  7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
  8. You don’t need to worry about land prices rocketing -
    its fairly spacious.
  9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
    killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
  10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :

  1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
  2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
  3. No need to worry about tax returns.
  4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
  5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
  6. Political stability.
  7. Flexible working hours.
  8. Live near the Pope.
  9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend’s armpit hair.
  10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :
  11. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
  12. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
  13. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
  14. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
  15. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.
  16. Honesty.
  17. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
    clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
  18. You get to eat bull’s testicles.
  19. Gibraltar.
  20. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :

  1. Chicken Madras.
  2. Lamb Passanda.
  3. Onion Bhaji.
  4. Bombay Potato.
  5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
  6. Rogan Josh.
  7. Popadoms.
  8. Chicken Dopiaza.
  9. Kingfisher lager.
  10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :

  1. It beats being an American.
  2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
    the ground.
  3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
  4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
    the ground.
  5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
  6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
    ratings will rise.
  7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
    the ground.
  8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
    skins.
  9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
  10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
    the ground.

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN :
  11. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no
    civilized nation on earth wanted.
  12. Fosters Lager.
  13. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000
    years because you think it belongs to you.
  14. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
  15. Tact and sensitivity.
  16. Bondi Beach.
  17. Other beaches.
  18. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
  19. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
  20. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

    TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK :
  21. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture
    most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
  22. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are
    supposed to be chasing.
  23. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the
    thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
    wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
  24. Old women can sport moustaches.
  25. Young women can sport moustaches.
  26. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in
    a zoo.
  27. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of
    the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
  28. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to
    let everyone else around the world know about it
  29. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
  30. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

one liners …

I childproofed my house, but they still get in!

It’s my cat’s world. I’m just here to open cans

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

edit 19 Dec

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. “Quick sister,” screams one nun, “Show him your cross!”

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, “Hey! You! Buzz off!”

:bat:

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I canget a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop full of customers andsaid, “About two hours.”

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “Howlong before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop andsaid," About three hours."

The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How longbefore I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said,“About an hour and a half.”

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Followthat guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”
Bill lookedup, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

“Your house.”

what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

where’s my tractor?

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was the second guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, “Man,what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.

The other two couldn’t believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his ass and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night.”

I love that one, Mohegan!

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years”?

The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother”

The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…

“Bet you’re sorry now that you cut my nuts off”

Love it Mohegan!

:rofl: Mohegan i love that one, it’s sooo funneh :lol:
Here are some blonde jokes :tongue:

Blonde: Hello, my name is Martha and for some reason i can’t print something. Everytime i click the “print” button it says “can’t find printer”. I moved the printed right in front of the screen but it STILL says i can’t find it!

Blonde: I can’t access the internet, it won’t accept the password.
Technician: Are you sure the password is correct?
Blonde: Yes, i saw my collegue type it before.
Technician: And what is the password?
Blonde: It’s five stars (*****)

Blonde: Hello, there seems to be a serious problem with my pc. My friend set a screensaver but it disappeares everytime i move my mouse!

(i have nothing personal against blondes, i just think the jokes can be funny :razz: )

I haven’t heard that one before!

Oh I know it with Shut up and Brain. Mom sent Brain to the shop. After boy is saying shut up cop came to his mother and said “What is his name” “Shut up” “Oh my god do you have brain” “Yes he is at the shop” :happy:

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel … they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!”

=====

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old
and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken
among other injuries.
Someone. had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it
was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in
the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room
when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,
my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!!”
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, “Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
Toilet??”

=====

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety…??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn’t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I’m looking at
this little device measuring about 5’ long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way!’

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best…? I’m
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, ‘don’t do it dipshit,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I’m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I s*** myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I’m still looking for my
nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

‘If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.’

======

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, “You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner.”

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You b**tard!”

The judge continued, “You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner.”

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, “You fking btard!!!”

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, “Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?”

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, “For fifteen years I lived next door to that btard. And every time I asked to borrow a fking spanner, he said he didn’t have one!”

IN honour of the Testiez:

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’

He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…

‘A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??’

that’s a wiccan one

which is the most blessed animal?
the blessed bee

this joke may be found in bad taste by some veiwers so if you want to read it go ahead

[spoiler]there was onc a boy who lived on a farm and one day he woke up and was angry. But non the less he did his daily tasks. heres how it went
when he was milking the cows, he kicked the cow
when he was getting the eggs from the chickens he kicked a chicken
when he was feeding the pigs he kicked a pig
he went inside expecting his reward, a hardy breakfast :content: but instead all he found on his plate was an apple. he asked his mom why and she said
because when you milked the cows you kicked one so no milk
when you got the eggs from the chicken you kicked one so no eggs
when you fed the pigs you kicked a pig so no bacon
and as she was finished telling him this his dad walked in the room and kicked their cat. and the boy said
you want to tell him or should i?[/spoiler]

also heres one i like to call “Tricking the machine”

[spoiler]the was a guy who had a huge pain in his elbow and he had heard from a friend that in a store there was a machine that if you brought your urine to it it would tell you what was wrong to 100% accuracy. so he peed in a bottle and took it there and a slip of paper came out it said.
you have tennis elbow keep it on ice it should go away
so he went home and thought… Hey! im going to try and trick this machine so he got his dog to urine in a bottle along with his wife and his daughter, put some tap water in it. and to really confuse it cummed in it.
so the next day he went back to the machine and it said
you dog has worms call a vet, your wifes pregnant its not yours, call a lawyer your daughter has an STD call a doctor, your water has large quantities of lead in it call a plumber, and if you keep masturbaiting your tennis elbow will never get better![/spoiler]

the last one is really … :roll: and old … it just expresses mans ambiguous relation to the machines he created … (aa im turning freudian :nuu:)

So this guy is heading into his doctor’s office. Just as he’s about to enter, the door SLAMS open and a woman runs out screaming.

He’s a little baffled and concerned but proceeds in anyways. He gets inside and see’s the doctor. He asks, “What happened with her? Bad news?”

The doctor replies, “I just told her she was pregnant.”

“Is she?”

“No, but it sure cured her hiccups.”
:happy: