That must be one amazing T-shirt! 
I walk up some wooden steps onto a deck.
A lady with a huge mouth walk out of nowhere…
Me:Uh…Hi.
Girl:I like harry potter!
Me:I’m not harry potter!
Girl approaches me “I like harry potter!”,
Then I run off because I’m freaked out. 
Wow… Just got another funny one… just a few nights ago!
I look at a plate that said “Reserved for Taylor Potter!”
I said, “Taylor Potter? You mean the wizard?”
My cousin replied, “Yepp, he’s coming!”
I looked at all the plates at the table being set up at a party, but not one was mine.
I still like the caffeine comment!
Dream many many years ago, set in my father’s apartment. I’ve been procrastinating for ten hours listening to something on his CD player. My dad comes home and says reassuringly, “You got bogged down doing pushups for the drill sergeant, right?”
More recent dream involving me and Sarah Jessica Parker floating in a sea off the coast of China.
SJP: What are we going to do now?
Me: Well, we’re not that far from Sri Lanka…
SJP: I don’t want to go to Sri Lanka! They don’t have any good shopping there!
Me: How do you know?
SJP: I’ve seen it on that detective show!
(I knew the reference right away. The capital of Sri Lanka is Colombo, so SJP was obviously referring to the lovable Peter Falk character.)
Wish I could think of more.
Scenario: Me and my dad in room with a bed the size of a matchbox mounted on wall.
Dad: It’s for your brother.
Me: Really?
Dad: I bet you could fit a prune on it! laughs insanely
It was a creepy dream that didnt make much sense
where surronding a man with bright red eyes who just has been arrested.
police: There has been a killing tonight
Me: Its not what you think he killed himself and transferred his soul into her
Man: I want her to Suffer as much as shes put me through
Police: Hes a soulless man
Man: She’ll be living the hell of a life that mine was (laughs madly)
When i woke up from this one i was pretty creep ed out
Okay, i had to revive this topic just for an excuse to go back through all my dream journals and pick out all the best ones:
[ND]guy (while holding a paper bag): I’m a secret cop. A tractor cop. I’m a secret tractor cop!
Me: Wow, our house is really yellow.
Dad: Yeah, either that or blue.
The faerie queen yells, “I used magic to turn parrots against her! Don’t worry, that one parrot is an actor.” (one of the parrots is bigger than the rest of them.) I run up to Rainbow Girl, who promptly punches me in the face and yells, “I am an acting master!”
“This pear is really small. It’s not very big either.”
“Watch out for the Devil Fish.”
“Man, I suck at cooking,” says another guy. “My next teacher is some french guy, and he’ll be like, ‘you are bad, and also muy tasty!’” 
“This must be one of the males of the species,” says the mountain lion.
“I am not!” I say, a little annoyed.
MJ point up at the ceiling and says, “That kangaroo will die due to a situation.”
“College students are 20% more likely to eat 20 packages of ding dongs.”
“You know,” she says, “I’ve always wanted to - SPWAAAUUGHH!”
Suddenly a large green rhinoceros steps out. “Are you a rhinoceros?” it says.
“Well, we were trying, but we can’t do it,” we say.
“You WILL be a rhinoceros!” says the rhinoceros.
“I stopped shaving in protest,” says the woman. “And things just went on from there.”
“Sayonara, evil Vombog!”
“I’ve got an air gun tied to my foot. Sometimes I shoot it at my brother.”[/ND]
Oh, man, I know there are more but I don’t have time. I’m definitely coming back later for this. 
Last night there was this random dude who appeared out of nowhere.
Me: “What did you eat in high school?”
Dude: “Burritos.”
Me: “Well this is my dream so it could have been anything.”
Dude: “That’s true.”
I was suffering from amnesia in this dream and this guy comes to me and says he’s my husband,he introduces this kid to me as his kid, i ask him if its my kid too, he says ‘i’m not sure’
I’m walking around the parking lot of a shabby estate I live near. Two people, a man and a younger woman, are having an argument about him sleeping with other women. It sounds like it’s happening in the distance.
Man: I love you. I’ll always love you.
Woman: Then why did you do this?!
Man: Because I loved them!
…and then a gong rings out and they go silent.
And also:
In a house…
Old Woman: Are you alright? Did something scare you?
Me: Yes
Old Woman: You needn’t worry!..You are dreaming after all.
(completely miss cue, and then she turns into a statue. Scared I walk outside, look up, and see pieces of Lego floating in the sky with this black fuzzy dusty stuff attached to it)
Me: Right you black s***! Do that again and I’ll f****** kill you!
My favourites out of that lot 
Those are great 
sounds like one of my friends when we have our random conversations/ is high 
You might have to read the dream to understand it but ANYWAYYS!
Me and my (?) DC girlfriend were inside an old abandoned convenience store holding apples while showing them every last candy there.
She yells, “THE APPLE IS GOING TO DIE!”
And I reply, “NO! THEY CAN’T! I PROMISED TO SHOW THEM AROUND THE WORLD! HURRY! HURRY!”
It was possibly the most random dream on Earth… xD
I dreamt that I was sitting on my friend’s couch and she walked in with her boyfriend and they both sat down by me… and I was all angry at them and jealous because they skipped out on me or something…
So I’m pouting and one of them tries to talk to me, and I say, “Whatever, it’s like a negative balloon.”
And then I start laughing hysterically for no reason until I woke up…
Personally I can’t remember any remember any amusing dialogue from my dreams. I don’t really remember much of what is said in my dreams, it’s the events that stay in my mind.
I think that one is quite funny, or the time I lifted up a street in a lucid dream, and threw it onto my brother. He said ‘You could also have trown a box on me, but no, Erik has to throw a whole street!’ 
Has anyone got more hilarious one-liners to spare? =P
A few excerpts…
There was a man running around what appeared to be a spaceship, pressing things, sending and recieving messages. He was talking to himself, and at one point said “Why is it like my dream? All I do in my dream is press switches, on and off, on and off!”
I had a flashback vision from the tortoise, showing the place where we were, but millions of years ago, before humans existed. There was a line of animals and dinosaurs, all following each other down a path. He said the following statement:
“People always depicted this place as filled with life, the sky teeming with flying creatures. In reality, there was only about a hundred of us.”
One of these girls had a tied shirt just covering her chest, and I couldn’t help but notice a slight “wardrobe malfunction” and she noticed, so she untied the shirt, showing her chest off, then tied it again. She did this a few times then she told me that I was cursed, because I looked.
Someone in my school was writing a letter to his other self, in the class I had gone to in Masachusetts. The letter said…
“Write your name down on this and hide it in your television. Do not let them find it.
Callum.
PS. Don’t forget.”
My feet scraped the top, and left a scratch, but otherwise I had cleared it! Pablo looked worried, and said something about the owner of the car getting angry at me. I just said “Ah, I don’t think he’s gonna notice”. At that point, a car came along and crashed into it.
Anyway, Somehow I manage to tip the bench over… vertically… so the other three people sitting on it all slide down and land on top of me.
Then we take a plunger gun and shoot it at his head. It shocks him and he falls of the building. I say “RPG!!!” as he falls.
(a bright orange rhinoceros is lying next to a resort pool)
DC: (is annoyed at a rhino being there and is using a ‘jedi mind trick’) You will move…
Rhino: (does nothing)
DC: (frustrated) I guess I’ll have to use one of Gandalf’s spells then…
(printed on a sign in bright red letters)
Warning! A Dreamsign is Near!
I forgot to post this:
“OH NO! MOOGLE WAS KILLED!”
“Well, hire a dog to replace her!”
dog walks up in the store aisle
We were pirates/merchants who had a store in the Wal-mart candy aisle… We wrote Moogle’s obituary on red velvet… oh, and she was Santa’s fave helper!
I suddenly thought of Kenny from South Park
so did you say nice things about me? 
and from my last LD
She: I have been seeking you out… I want to tell you your fortune.
Me: Go Away!
She: NO!
Me: Well. at least let me see your face.
She moves a little so I can see her face. I see neatly cut short black hair and a thin nose. 
She: You will meet the ‘man of your dreams’ today.
Me: I meet men everyday…
She: The future isn’t set in stone…
Me: … it changes due to our choices.
from my dream last night:
I’m in my brothers room with him and we’re playing our electric guitars. Mum comes in…
mum: i found an echidna.
me: what? where is it?
mum: i can’t tell you that!
me: why not?
mum: i just can’t
After she goes, dad comes in and asks
“What does trigonometry have to do with music?”
I have no idea what invoked my brain to pull out something like that. i haven’t thought about maths in probably 6 six weeks since im on holidays…