the BIG Jokes topic Part II

Hmm… Well, I’ll tell another then:

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, “Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It’s really bothering my dog.”

He angrily replied, “No, I won’t! You shouldn’t have a dog on this flight anyways!”

“This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!” she said. They argued back and forth… get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, “Look, I’ll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I’ll get rid of the cigar.” He was thinking, “She’ll never want to give up her dog.” But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog’s leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she’d won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

Good one toxyChor . Now let me tell you one of the best jokes I know:

A man comes back from work. He’s quite tired and wants to watch some TV. There he takes the remote and tries to find some channel he would like. Suddently his wife hits him on the head with a frying pan.
“Oooouch ! Hey, what’s wrong with you ?!”, he said.
“What’s with this phone number in your bag ???!!!”
“Oh, that one ? Sweetheart, its the number of the horse I bet at the horse races today…”
She calms down. The next day the same. He is really tired and can be found watching TV again. All of a sudden his wife hits him again with a frying pan on his head.
“Aaaaargh ! What the ? Are you nuts ?? Waht was that for ??”
“The horse phoned you !”

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.”

The woman thinks to herself, “Oh no, not my brother – he’s an idiot!” Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise,” the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, “Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!”

Then she asks the doctor, “What’s the boy’s name?”

The doctor replies, “DeNephew”.

Nice one moogle, it was hilarious

Never thought so far that Denise sounds like the niece

Three survivors are on an island.
One day, they catch a golden fish.
Fish offers everyone one wish.
First man says “I want to go home!”
And he’s gone.
The second man says “I want to go home too!”
And he’s gone too.
And the third man looks around. He sees he’s alone.
“I feel alone already. I want them back!”

Hahaha classic but always makes me laugh

Funny one

PS: Omg, 11 pages Someone should make part III - I guess a mod could.

The topic will be split to create part III once it has 12 pages or more.

Oh… sorry. I taught when it has 10 pages or more

An Irish man walks out of a bar.

Very good one

What is purple, has four eyes, and eats people?

And another one

And another one

The wheel needs to be very large to get to do this, doesn’t it ?

Two old ladies are talking.
Old Lady 1 : Did I tell you my husband just died last week ?
Old lady 2 : Oh my god, what happened ?
Old Lady 1 : I asked him to take some vegetables in the garden for diner. He went there and dies of a heart attack.
Old Lady 2 : Oh … and what did you do ?
Old Lady 1 : I made pasta

What’s the difference between a snail and puberty?

To keep the Christmas spirit

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, ‘Who’s on First?’ might have turned out something like this: …

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBO…TT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows… I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows…
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue ‘W’.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue ‘w’ if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on ‘START’…

I bet i can make you read this twice.

^ you just read that wrong ^

Brunette: I’ll be the first brunette to step on Mars.
Ginger:And I’ll be the first ginger to step on Venus.
Blonde: Well, I’ll be the first blonde to step on the sun!!! :3
.
.
.
Brunette: but… you’ll be burn!
Blondee: Don’t be stupid, I’ll go there by night! >.<

Blonde girl is Link removed.

I know this is like 10 years old, but I love it!