Writing is funny. I once went into hypnopompia and there was red writing on my bedroom walls. I remember one line that was like “match the line with the cross and you make a spider. Don’t forget to add” can’t remember the rest XD
In a chatroom in an ND
Friend: I’m buying a Japanese heated table (kotatsu)
Me:awesome
I want to summon Yuki Nagato from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, she would be awesomly weird, or Osaka from Azumanga Daioh
Here are what my DC’s have said 
I’m with a friend in the kitchen. He has made something with a lot of whipcream on. I ate some of the whipcream.
He: Don’t eat it like that! You’re spreading germs, lick on it instead.
I answered: No, I don’t.
Suddenly a crocodile head popped up through the cream. 
Crocodile: Is it someone that said germs?
We shook our heads
Crocodile: Have you seen another crocodile?
We shook our heads again.
Crocodile: Well, he has escaped anyway. Be careful! See ya!
Grandma: Many people do mistakes like when your mom fried the video.
TV: The billionaire _______ (insert name) is suspected for murder of his daughter. He and his wife are getting paid for damages because the police can’t prove anything. He and his wife are now sitting in their car, smiling.
This conversation happened a few nights ago. It was about me and a DC were looking at a some airsoft guns.
Me: „No, that gun isn’t so good, it has only 0.5 joules.”
DC: „Ah, I see. 0.5 jezzen.”
Me: „No, Joules!”
DC : „What?”
Me: „They measure the power of those guns with joules”
DC:„That’s impossible, then a real gun would have like 7510 joules!”
Me: „Yes they do!”
The next day I woke up and checked out if this number was accurate. It turns out that it is possible for a real gun. However I couldnt find anything related to that exact amount he said.
A few nights ago I had a dream where my old teacher kept insulting me in front of the class.
She kept using me in comparisons as if I was dumb. 
DC: Maybe I should take a photo of you, cut off your head and put it on a man’s body.
Me: Well, I always wanted to be MANLY flexes
DC: ???
In a lucid dream i decided to talk to Mona Lisa.
Me: Mona Lisa you have such a mysterious smile
Mona Lisa: All the better to get some profit off those paintings [She pulls out a painting of her with a sticker that says only $29.99].
So far the weirdest thing a DC asked me was, “Are you a witch?”
The funny thing is that it did make me wonder.
Well, I’m looking back through my DJ and finding some funny stuff. Here’s some of it:
Me: “Rams for you, rams for me, rams for everyone.”
DC who is apparently tallying numbers: 'I’m the tallyman!"
A DC tells me that I had been shot. I look at my chest and see a small scar. No one really cares and it doesn’t really hurt anyway.
DC in an ad on TV: “Do you not want to see the truth? Then you need Rika paint.”
My mom tells me to prove to myself that I’m dreaming by shattering my stomach [with my mind]. I do so and carry on.
My friend Chrissy as a DC: “I don’t care what anyone says, but the secret is cold stuff! Cold stuff!”
Me and two friends, as DCs, walking on a street and stops outside a small resturant. Suddenly i got very excited and started to point and jump up and down, screaming “look at the cat!”. They were all looking but there was no cat, and i was finding it so hilarious that i was just about to fall to the ground because of my extreme laughter when a cat suddenly turns up.
Then i became lucid for a moment but woke up. Me as a DC is often very bisarre, i think.
LOL So funny!!!
What!? I can’t believe it’s been that long anyone has posted in this topic! 
I’m sorry folks, but I love this topic very much and it shall not die. Everytime a DC says something weird and I remember it I think of this topic. 
I just have to share.
So last night I was talking to a group of DC’s, telling them not to do drugs 
One guy was asking me how to deal with peer pressure and then his next question was:
The last part he almost screamed and he was pointing at his lips… 
³
The strangest thing that a DC has said would “Teach me how to lucid dream, teach me, i’ll do anything, I just want to learn.” I thought that was funny because we were in an LD.
I had just asked a DC, who in the dream I considered some kind of master, how to deal with really…REALLY…bad habits. He turned to me and, with eyes as wide as saucers, said…
“GEIST!”
When I woke up, didn’t really know what it mean…had to go look it up 
LOL!!! Now that’s hilarious 
Hahahahahaha, these are hilarious!
Mine isn’t really ‘funny’, but I think it’s really cool how it happened. Hope it isn’t going off topic.
So basically my first ever proper LD came round’ after trying for ages, and it really was a spectacular dream. I had always wanted a first person dream, and I never had them. This was first person, and basically I realized it was a dream and everything began swirling around me in a dark void. No matter whatsoever. As I was floating down toward the ground I heard a really wise, deep, unforgettable voice say: “Oh you’re going to take advantage of this aren’t you?”. As if it were the beginning of something great.
Was awesome 
EDIT: now that I look back at my DJ
This one has my clueless:
A floating iPhone in a ski slope with a deeeep voice:
“Aliens. Priority #3 of the world is to avoid war with Scotland”.
Then I awoke, and spent the rest of my day pondering upon this deep, meaningful sentence.
I don’t really remember what DCs say very well. But I had a dream last night, which was kind of lucid and a DC said something somewhat clever, but which also doesn’t make sense. The effect is rather lost by not experiencing the dream yourself, because I was in the mind of a man who had taken a drink he was not supposed to take, and was affected by it. He happens to be the father of me and two kids who are my brother and sister in the dream, and his mind shows that he is affected. In what can be best described as a parody of some musical number in an anime series, he sings a sentimental song about being our father. The only lyrics I can remember him singing are: “I am your father, I am your sun.” And the “camera” looks at him flying off into the sunlight and then it’s just a view of the sun in the sky, ending the music video. Like I said, kind of clever Father-Son/Sun, but also, makes no sense because how can he be my father and son at the same time? That’s a bit too “Nicaean creed” for my tastes.
In an ND the other day a girl DC said to me:
How do you do that magic thing?
I replied, while pointing at my shoes:
That? thats just grass, as I wiped blades of grass of the bottom of my shoe.
She said:
No the helio, helio, uhhhhhh, the heliocentric thing.
I replied.
ohhh, I dont know its hard. and we walked inside together.
Some DC said this in a dream of mine although I didn’t see the person (they were in a different room).
“Lumberjack? More like a lumberjoke!”
Some people started to laugh.