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Jabbervock
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PostPosted: Fri 06 Feb, 2004  Reply with quote

A guy wants to lose alot of weight quickly, so when he finds and ad in the newspaper for a weight loss programme he rings them up. He orders the 3 day 5kg programme. The next day a beautiful woman from the company turns up at his house. Shes wearing nothing but sneakers and a sign that reads, 'if you can catch me, you can have me'. So he runs after her, eventually catches her, and has his way with her. This happens again for the next couple of days. On the 4th day he checks his weight on the scales and is 5kg lighter. So he rings the same company again and orders the 5 day 10kg progamme. the next day the most beautiful woman hes ever seen turns up at hius house. Shes wearing nothing but sneakers and a sign that reads, 'if you can catch me, you can have me' . So he runs after her and with alot of effort catches her and has his way with her. This happens for the next 4 days. On the 6th day he checks his weight and is 10kgs lighter. He rings the company again and orders the 7 day 20kg programme. The next day a very musculan man turns up at his house. Hes wearing nothing but pink sneakers and a sign that read, 'if I can catch you, you're mine' .

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Mohegan
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PostPosted: Fri 27 Feb, 2004  Reply with quote

If Dr. Seuss Wrote for Star Trek


Picard:

Sigma Indri, that's the star.
So, Data, how far? How far?

Data:

Our ship can get there very fast,
but still the trip will last and last.
We'll have two days till we arrive,
but can the Indrans there survive?

Picard:

LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge:

But sir, the engines are offline!

Picard:

Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make is so, please make it so!

Riker:

But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
we can't, we mustn't, and we shan't.
The danger here is far to great.

Picard:

But surely we must not be late!

Troi:

I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer:

Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard:

The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker:

Not me.

Worf:

Not me.

Picard:

Computer, how long till we die?

Computer:

Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data:

May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
extinguishers from tractor beams,
and stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi:

Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, hurray! Hurray!

Picard:

Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi:

We still must save the Indran planet-

Data:

Which, by the way, is made of granite...

Picard:

Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand-we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, please make it so.

Geordi:

There's sabotage among the wires,
and that's what started all the fires.

Riker:

We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi:

We must seek out the traitor spy,
and lock him up, and ask him why?

Worf:

Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi:

Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
that we haven't heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher:

Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, Help us, clothe us, feed us!
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor must attempt-must try!

Picard:

Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher:

They may be dead by Tuesday noon.

*Commercial break, commercial break.
How long will these dumb ads take?*

Worf:

The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun-
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall.
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form,
all soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard:

Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf:

I did and then I beat him fairly,
hit him on the jaw-quite squarely.

Riker:

My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end.

Crusher:

Now let's get our ship to fly,
and orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard:

LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi:

Yes, sir, we can.

Picard:

Then make it so!



Author Unknown


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Neo
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PostPosted: Fri 27 Feb, 2004  Reply with quote

Hahahahaha Dark Matter!

I think this may have been posted but I'm too lazy to look.
It's a little gross for no real reason, and a variation involves michael jackson...
PS I aint no pedifile, it just made me laugh tounge2

Whats the best thing about sex with twenty-five year olds?
There's twenty of em.



BUT! My friend today just made this HILARIOUS great joke today, he just made it up. It depends on your taste, but if you like randomish things you'll like it.

Hold out your arm and hand and have your hand open looking like your grabbing something big, like a pinapple, from the bottom. Say to your friend, "So I have a pineapple in my hand, right?" almost rhetorically, as if you are trying to tell a story. 9 times out of ten they'll say, "Right.." and then you shout at them "WRONG!!!" grin

(The joke is its quite obvious that you don't have a pineapple in your hand...)

Try it and see the reactions. My mom didn't get it/ didn't like it. My sister, in college, laughed and laughed.


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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Fri 27 Feb, 2004  Reply with quote

That's a good one, Neo. It reminds me of the following:

How do you get an elephant into Safeway if you take the "S" out of "Safe" and the "F" out of "way"?

Answer: There's no "F" in "Way."

*Back when I first heard this, so many people just couldn't figure it out. When I did it, I was all screwed up and was thinking they meant to take the "Y" out and so I kept saying "Safewa, Safewa."

(Hope this one hasn't already been posted since I'm too lazy to go check.)


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Dream Monster
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PostPosted: Mon 08 Mar, 2004  Reply with quote

You will probably only think this is funny if you are european or if you have been to europe a lot..

Subject: cultural differences

There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere where the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman



One month later on this beautiful deserted island
in the middle of nowhere ...


The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman

The 2 French men and the French woman are living
happily together in a "menage a trois"

The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when
they alternate with the German woman

The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and
the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them

The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce
them to the English woman

The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean,
one look at the woman and started swimming.

The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while
the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the
true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the
taxes are low.

The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside
and setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the
picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting any...


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Maoru
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PostPosted: Sat 13 Mar, 2004  Reply with quote

A man walks into an elevator.
Waiting already in the elevator is a blonde lady.
After the doors close the blonde looks at the man and says "T.G.I.F"

The man is silent for a few moments, then looks at the blonde and says to her: "S.H.I.T"

The blonde woman with a huge grin on her face is confused, and says again to the man "T.G.I.F"

The man looks back at the woman slightly annoyed, and responds again with "S.H.I.T"

The blonde woman then says: "T.G.I.F, it means, Thank God It's Friday"

The man replies with: "S.H.I.T., it stands for, Sorry Hon', Its Thursday"


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WaNnAbE
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PostPosted: Mon 15 Mar, 2004  Reply with quote

A man walks into a bar, winks at her, and asks for a double entendre.

So she gives him one.


I like this one, I think it's kind of ironic, or something. It didn't exactly make me laugh out loud, but it's still clever.


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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Tue 23 Mar, 2004  Reply with quote

I thought this was hilarious when I read it so I thought I'd share it.

Hasta la vista, catchphrases

As much as we loved them, it's time to lay them to rest.
By Bryan Tucker

When was the last time someone got angry and told you to sit on it? Or cracked everyone up at a party by shouting, "Excuuuuse me!"?
If this were 1979, these phrases would fit right in. But like boy bands or the Macarena, catchphrases die with the times. So let's give a few of today's more annoying ones a proper send-off -- an obituary of sorts. May they rest in peace.


"Yeah, Baby!" / Aging hipster
"Yeah, Baby!" was cryogenically frozen today. It plans to be thawed when it once again can rule the world of catchphrases.
First made famous by the swingin' Austin Powers, "Yeah, Baby!" was a fixture at parties, in singles bars and at exclusive celebrity events, toasting its success with "I'll Be Back," "Show Me the Money" and the mysterious "I See Dead People." It was found without a pulse in the mouth of the obnoxious drunk guy at the office Christmas party.
Services were held at Mike Myers' New York home. The phrase is survived by its brothers, "Oh, Behave!" and "Do I Make You H*rny?"

"You Go, Girl!" / Feminist leader
"You Go, Girl!" -- the declaration that empowered women throughout the '90s -- died of causes associated with excruciating repetition.
A signature of the hit sitcom "Martin," it was shouted by ghetto girls and later adopted by gay men as a triumphant call to arms. The saying eventually was relegated to cat food commercials and stupid comedies like "Juwanna Mann."
"You Go, Girl" was glared to death by a stadium of fans at a WNBA game that stretched into overtime. "It has been a dear friend for years and thousands of shows," said a teary Oprah Winfrey. "I'll always remember it fondly. I can't believe you're really gone, girl."

"Whassup?!" / Designated greeter
"Whassup?!," the comical salutation from Budweiser commercials, mimicked in heaven knows how many phone calls and parodied around the globe, died of "hip" complications at its home in the Anheuser-Busch marketing office in St. Louis. It was 19.
"Whassup?!" was born in Philadelphia to "Big Up" and "What's Happenin'?" A promising phrase from the start, it appeared in a short film before turning in one of its finest performances during the 2000 Super Bowl, when it was embedded in the consciousness of every young male about to place a phone call.
"Whassup?!" won several major awards, including the Grand Prix for best TV ad of 2000. After a couple of years, the phrase lost its "cool" and was officially pronounced dead minutes after being uttered by a soccer mom at an Arby's drive-thru in Des Moines.
True.

"Yada Yada" / All-purpose filler
"Yada Yada" died of heart failure at a retirement home in Boca Raton, Fla. It was 6.
Born in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood in Yonkers, N.Y., the phrase was a favorite of deli noshers who didn't have time to finish their entire anecdotes. It wasn't until a 1997 "Seinfeld" episode that the phrase was catapulted into the public vernacular, eventually gracing the covers of Time and Long Story Short magazines.
But "Yada" always shied away from the spotlight, and no one truly knew what happened after it was uttered (which may have been its greatest asset). "Yada" will be replaced by its apprentice, "So, Anyway ..."

"Bling-Bling" / Nouveau-riche designer
Tragedy struck the catchphrase community as "Bling-Bling" was found shot to death outside its crib in Beverly Hills. So far there are no suspects, but police are questioning "Fa Shizzle" and "Right Thurr."
The phrase, used to describe loud, diamond-encrusted jewelry worn around the wrist or neck, first appeared in a 1999 hit song by the Cash Money Millionaires. Known to friends simply as "Bling," the sparkling expression was frequently spotted at hip-hop recording sessions and South Beach strip clubs. "Bling" had a long association with Nelly, Lil' Kim and 50 Cent, and, judging from songs on the radio, some thought "Bling" knew everyone.
Perhaps it was a victim of its own success. Wherever it went, jealousy followed. Last year, there were false reports that "Bling" had drowned in a pool of Cristal.

"Talk to the Hand" / Conversation closer
"Talk to the Hand," acclaimed by the fed-up and snippy worldwide, died in a head-on collision with "No, You Didn't" on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.
"Talk" was a product of the inner city before seeping into the mainstream. Soon, people of all races were demanding that you tell it to the hand (because the ears ain't listening). The expression was particularly loved by fast-food- counter help, IRS agents and customer-service reps of all kinds.
At the funeral, Rosie Perez gave a eulogy that mourners felt was quite touching. "Talk" is survived by its cousins, the dismissive twins "Whatever (with the hand twist)" and "Whatever (with the head swivel)."


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JaRoD
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PostPosted: Thu 25 Mar, 2004  Reply with quote

How many lucid dreamers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why bother, the lightswitch doesn't work anyway.


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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Fri 02 Apr, 2004  Reply with quote

Hehehehehehe--

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho
Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen
monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew
that the chemical was...water.

The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" The
conclusion is obvious.

eek2


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r3m0t
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PostPosted: Sat 03 Apr, 2004  Reply with quote

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PistGurl
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PostPosted: Sat 03 Apr, 2004  Reply with quote

OK...first really rubbish joke from MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

It's ridiculous to think that video game influence childrens behaviour. If for example pac-man had influenced children in the '80's, we should now have teenagers who run around in dark places, eating pills while listening to monotonous electronic music...
(...I wasn't born in the '80's...honestly...)


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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Tue 06 Apr, 2004  Reply with quote

Lol, r3m0t. If I didn't know any better, I'd be afraid. . .

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sno_isulli
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PostPosted: Wed 07 Apr, 2004  Reply with quote

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students and, for the music section, college students. They were supplied by teachers across the nation.

----------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------

Science:

"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"The largest organ in the human body is the head."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"Germinate means to become a naturalized German."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off."

"A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in."

"Algebracial symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."

"The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now."

"English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse."

"People shouldn't be allowed to shoot extinct animals."

"Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions."

"If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence."

----------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------


Medicine:

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."

"For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth."

"For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose."

"Blood flows down one leg and back the other."

"When you haven't enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

----------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------


Geography:

"Rhode." -- An answer given to the question, "What is the only island state?"


----------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------

History:

"The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."

"Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."

"Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."

"The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."

"Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"

"Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."

"The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this." (cracking up)

"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."

"Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."

"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."

"Bach died from 1750 to the present."

"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."

"[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."

"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."

"Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."

"Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."

"It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."

"Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."

"One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."

"Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."

"Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."

"In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."

"The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."

"When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."

"Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."

"The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."

----------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------


The Bible

"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off."

"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."

"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."

"Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears."

"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."

"Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah."

"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients." (hehe)

"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert." (omg. . .hysterics)

"Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments."

"The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple."

"The Fifth Commandment is 'Humor thy father and mother.'"

"The Seventh Commandment is 'Thou shalt not admit adultery.'"

"Moses died before he ever reached Canada."

"Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol."

"The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him." (rofl)

"David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."

"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines." (haha) Need I say it should be "concubines"?

"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."

"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."

"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity."

"Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."

"In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony."



Music

"The piano finishes off the piece."

"[Beethoven] went death but still kept on writing and producing music. He wrote one more symphony after his death."

"It was the most fun self-culturing experience I have endured."

"Shania Twain, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson." -- A student naming "three female vocal ranges, from low to high."

"Now tuba, Trump bone, and French horn play..."

"I enjoyed the song immensely and was pretty." (. . .and was pretty, ha.)
"It started out with all the instruments giving out a welcoming horning."

"[It] ends with all of them playing a short long note."

"The movement ends with a final foul note."

"The trumpets play tonged notes."

"This piece got my attention from begging to end."

"The horn blowed the piano."

"Robert Schumann wanted to become a virtuoso but became a composer because of a disabling finger."

"The orchestra sounds like they [are] not worming up yet."

grin


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Dm7
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PostPosted: Wed 07 Apr, 2004  Reply with quote

lach1 lach1 lach1

Good one both of ya! wink5 Thanks for cheering me up! That has brighten my day up. Thanks!

Dm7


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