the BIG Jokes topic

I thought this was hilarious when I read it so I thought I’d share it.

Hasta la vista, catchphrases

As much as we loved them, it’s time to lay them to rest.
By Bryan Tucker

When was the last time someone got angry and told you to sit on it? Or cracked everyone up at a party by shouting, “Excuuuuse me!”?
If this were 1979, these phrases would fit right in. But like boy bands or the Macarena, catchphrases die with the times. So let’s give a few of today’s more annoying ones a proper send-off – an obituary of sorts. May they rest in peace.

“Yeah, Baby!” / Aging hipster
“Yeah, Baby!” was cryogenically frozen today. It plans to be thawed when it once again can rule the world of catchphrases.
First made famous by the swingin’ Austin Powers, “Yeah, Baby!” was a fixture at parties, in singles bars and at exclusive celebrity events, toasting its success with “I’ll Be Back,” “Show Me the Money” and the mysterious “I See Dead People.” It was found without a pulse in the mouth of the obnoxious drunk guy at the office Christmas party.
Services were held at Mike Myers’ New York home. The phrase is survived by its brothers, “Oh, Behave!” and “Do I Make You H*rny?”

“You Go, Girl!” / Feminist leader
“You Go, Girl!” – the declaration that empowered women throughout the '90s – died of causes associated with excruciating repetition.
A signature of the hit sitcom “Martin,” it was shouted by ghetto girls and later adopted by gay men as a triumphant call to arms. The saying eventually was relegated to cat food commercials and stupid comedies like “Juwanna Mann.”
“You Go, Girl” was glared to death by a stadium of fans at a WNBA game that stretched into overtime. “It has been a dear friend for years and thousands of shows,” said a teary Oprah Winfrey. “I’ll always remember it fondly. I can’t believe you’re really gone, girl.”

“Whassup?!” / Designated greeter
“Whassup?!,” the comical salutation from Budweiser commercials, mimicked in heaven knows how many phone calls and parodied around the globe, died of “hip” complications at its home in the Anheuser-Busch marketing office in St. Louis. It was 19.
“Whassup?!” was born in Philadelphia to “Big Up” and “What’s Happenin’?” A promising phrase from the start, it appeared in a short film before turning in one of its finest performances during the 2000 Super Bowl, when it was embedded in the consciousness of every young male about to place a phone call.
“Whassup?!” won several major awards, including the Grand Prix for best TV ad of 2000. After a couple of years, the phrase lost its “cool” and was officially pronounced dead minutes after being uttered by a soccer mom at an Arby’s drive-thru in Des Moines.
True.

“Yada Yada” / All-purpose filler
“Yada Yada” died of heart failure at a retirement home in Boca Raton, Fla. It was 6.
Born in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood in Yonkers, N.Y., the phrase was a favorite of deli noshers who didn’t have time to finish their entire anecdotes. It wasn’t until a 1997 “Seinfeld” episode that the phrase was catapulted into the public vernacular, eventually gracing the covers of Time and Long Story Short magazines.
But “Yada” always shied away from the spotlight, and no one truly knew what happened after it was uttered (which may have been its greatest asset). “Yada” will be replaced by its apprentice, “So, Anyway …”

“Bling-Bling” / Nouveau-riche designer
Tragedy struck the catchphrase community as “Bling-Bling” was found shot to death outside its crib in Beverly Hills. So far there are no suspects, but police are questioning “Fa Shizzle” and “Right Thurr.”
The phrase, used to describe loud, diamond-encrusted jewelry worn around the wrist or neck, first appeared in a 1999 hit song by the Cash Money Millionaires. Known to friends simply as “Bling,” the sparkling expression was frequently spotted at hip-hop recording sessions and South Beach strip clubs. “Bling” had a long association with Nelly, Lil’ Kim and 50 Cent, and, judging from songs on the radio, some thought “Bling” knew everyone.
Perhaps it was a victim of its own success. Wherever it went, jealousy followed. Last year, there were false reports that “Bling” had drowned in a pool of Cristal.

“Talk to the Hand” / Conversation closer
“Talk to the Hand,” acclaimed by the fed-up and snippy worldwide, died in a head-on collision with “No, You Didn’t” on the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway.
“Talk” was a product of the inner city before seeping into the mainstream. Soon, people of all races were demanding that you tell it to the hand (because the ears ain’t listening). The expression was particularly loved by fast-food- counter help, IRS agents and customer-service reps of all kinds.
At the funeral, Rosie Perez gave a eulogy that mourners felt was quite touching. “Talk” is survived by its cousins, the dismissive twins “Whatever (with the hand twist)” and “Whatever (with the head swivel).”

How many lucid dreamers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why bother, the lightswitch doesn’t work anyway.

Hehehehehehe–

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho
Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical “dihydrogen monoxide.”

And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

  1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
  2. it is a major component in acid rain
  3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
  4. accidental inhalation can kill you
  5. it contributes to erosion
  6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
  7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogen
monoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew
that the chemical was…water.

The title of his prize winning project was, “How Gullible Are We?” The
conclusion is obvious.

:eek:

https://www.dhmo.org Hehehe.

OK…first really rubbish joke from MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…

It’s ridiculous to think that video game influence childrens behaviour. If for example pac-man had influenced children in the '80’s, we should now have teenagers who run around in dark places, eating pills while listening to monotonous electronic music…
(…I wasn’t born in the '80’s…honestly…)

Lol, r3m0t. If I didn’t know any better, I’d be afraid. . .

The following are quotes from exams and papers assigned to 7th through 12th students and, for the music section, college students. They were supplied by teachers across the nation.


Science:

“When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.”

“H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.”

“When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.”

“Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.”

“The largest organ in the human body is the head.”

“Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, then expectoration.”

“Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.”

“Germinate means to become a naturalized German.”

“The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.”

“A planet is a body of Earth surrounded by sky.”

“A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.”

“To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.”

“Algebracial symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.”

“The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.”

“English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.”

“People shouldn’t be allowed to shoot extinct animals.”

“Humans are more intelligent than beasts because human branes have more convulsions.”

“If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.”


Medicine:

“For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.”

“For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.”

“For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops.”

“For fractures: To see if the limb is broken, giggle it gently back and forth.”

“For dust in the eye: Pull the eye down over the nose.”

“Blood flows down one leg and back the other.”

“When you haven’t enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.”

“Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.”

“Many women believe that an alcoholic beverage will have no ill effects on the unborn fetus, but that is a large misconception.”

“A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cupids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.”


Geography:

“Rhode.” – An answer given to the question, “What is the only island state?”


History:

“The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense.”

“Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.”

“Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes.”

“The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system.”

“Milton wrote ‘Paradise Lost.’ Then his wife dies, and he wrote ‘Paradise Regained.’”

“Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.”

“The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.” (cracking up)

“Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.”

“Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.”

“Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.”

“Bach died from 1750 to the present.”

“Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this.”

“[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear him any children.”

“The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.”

“Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.”

“Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices.”

“It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance.”

“Without Greeks, we wouldn’t have history.”

“One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable.”

“Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey.”

“Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name.”

“In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.”

“The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands.”

“When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.”

“Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks.”

“The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled.”


The Bible

“In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off.”

“Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.”

“Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.”

“Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears.”

“Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.”

“Samson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.”

“Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.” (hehe)

“The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.” (omg. . .hysterics)

“Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.”

“The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.”

“The Fifth Commandment is ‘Humor thy father and mother.’”

“The Seventh Commandment is ‘Thou shalt not admit adultery.’”

“Moses died before he ever reached Canada.”

“Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.”

“The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.” (rofl)

“David fought with the Philatelists, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.”

“Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.” (haha) Need I say it should be “concubines”?

“The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.”

“The epistles were the wives of the apostles.”

“St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.”

“Paul preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.”

“In some religions a man can have many wives, and this is called polygamy. In our religion a man can have one wife, and this is called monotony.”

Music

“The piano finishes off the piece.”

“[Beethoven] went death but still kept on writing and producing music. He wrote one more symphony after his death.”

“It was the most fun self-culturing experience I have endured.”

“Shania Twain, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson.” – A student naming “three female vocal ranges, from low to high.”

“Now tuba, Trump bone, and French horn play…”

“I enjoyed the song immensely and was pretty.” (. . .and was pretty, ha.)
“It started out with all the instruments giving out a welcoming horning.”

“[It] ends with all of them playing a short long note.”

“The movement ends with a final foul note.”

“The trumpets play tonged notes.”

“This piece got my attention from begging to end.”

“The horn blowed the piano.”

“Robert Schumann wanted to become a virtuoso but became a composer because of a disabling finger.”

“The orchestra sounds like they [are] not worming up yet.”

:grin:

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Good one both of ya! :wink: Thanks for cheering me up! That has brighten my day up. Thanks!

Dm7

My god sno_isulli that was hilarious!

“The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.” :rofl: , I don’t even want to know the lesser miracles.

ROFL!! :rofl:
Great post sno_isulli! :good:

Glad to spread the laughter!!! :grin:

OMGWTFLOLBBQ that was great

. . .And more!

Most of these quotations were gleaned from classroom discussions in 5th and 6th grade science classes.

“One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.”

“You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.” (lol)

“Talc is found on rocks and on babies.”

“Isn’t inertia when something is moving, then it stops moving and keeps moving?”

“The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.”

“When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.”

“When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.” (lol)

“Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.” (lol)

“While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.”

“Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.”

“South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.”

“Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.”

“A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.”

“There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.” (rofl)

“There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.”

“Lime is a green-tasting rock.”

“Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils, while others preferred to be oil.”

“Genetics explain why you look like your father, and if you don’t why you should.” (rofl)

“Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they’re there.” (omg, yeah)

“Some oxygen molecules help fires burn, while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.”

“Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.”

“We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.”

“To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.”

“In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.”

“Clouds are high flying fogs.”

“I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.” (oh yes)

“Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.” (rofl)

“Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.”

“Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.”

“We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won’t drown when we breathe.”

“Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.”

“Rain is saved up in cloud banks.”

“In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.”

“Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.”

“The wind is like the air, only pushier.”

“A blizzard is when it snows sideways.”

“A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.”

“A monsoon is a French gentleman.”

“Thunder is a rich source of loudness.”

“Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.”

“It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.”

“Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.”

:tongue:

Few jokes, all dream related, probably crap…

1}After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for our anniversary. What do you think it means?”

“You’ll know tonight.” he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”

2}
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams.

“I dreamed I was on vacation,” one man said fondly. “It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream.”

“I had a great dream too,” said the other. “I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life.”

His companion looked over and exhorted, “You dreamed you had two women, and you didn’t call me?”

“Oh, I did,” said the other, “but when I called, your wife said you’d gone fishing.”

3}“Doctor, I’m having that dream again,” the patient said.

“Oh? Which one?”

“The one where I’m into sadism, necrophilia, and beastiality. Should I be worried or am I beating a dead horse?”

Ok, I promise the next time I post, I will have better jokes!

FUNNY WRITING SAMPLES

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.

Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

“Oh, Jason, take me!”; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.

The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
(D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to
Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill. ) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on
the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
mshe were a garbage truck backing up.

She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.

She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.

:grin:

hehehe :cool_laugh:
that was great!

My brother loves Slashdot.com and has compiled all his favorite signatures from there. Thought I’d share some that I liked.

Slashdot Sigs Part 1 (there are a lot of them!)

Modesty is merely one of my infinite qualities"

Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in mud, after a while you realise the pig is enjoying it.
Don’t kid yourself. If a cow got the chance, he’d eat you and everyone you care about

  • I don’t have a girlfriend but I do know a girl that would get mad if she heard me say that.

On Apple Input Peripherals: They’re okay, I guess, but I was really hoping for a one-key keyboard and a 109-button mouse

–"Don’t mind me, I’ve just spent the last two hours in alt.beer

– Power corrupts, but PowerPoint corrupts absolutely

Americans could not be more self absorbed if they were made of equal parts water and paper towel. -Dennis Miller

You never truly understand something until you can explain it to your grandmother. --Albert Einstein

There’s an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.

While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

– I randomly moderate down people who describe their abuses of the mod and metamod system in their sigs. –

“I am not Spock”, said Leonard Nimoy. “And it is highly illogical of humans to assume so.”

Windows 1337+666 seemed to always do it for me…

alas and alack like a stab in the back i was back at the shack where i hacked and i cracked that stack

CAn’T CompreHend SARcaSm?

“so I have they”
Jesus christ, lay off the booze

“They were vampires. Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them! I don’t give a f*ck how crazy they are!”

Happy “bitter and single” day everyone!

Found in fortune file.
Tell me why the stars do shine
Tell me why the ivy twines
Tell me why the sky’s so blue
And I will tell you why I love you.
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine
Phototropism makes ivy twine
Rayleigh Scattering makes sky so blue
Sexual hormones are why I love you.
Roger Ebert always says: “What’s important is not what the movie is about; it’s how it manages to be about it.” I submit that this is even more true with fiction.

– What a rotten party, have we run out of beer or something?

Tigers respect lions, elephants and hippos. Maggots respect no one.

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” - Jack Nicholson

Accidental Troll: I feel as strongly in favor of this post today as I will be violently against it tomorrow.

“Nothing exists except atoms and empty space; everything else is opinion.” - Democritus

I am not who you think you are.

I think, therefore I am…I think.

Everything I do, I do it for Lucy Liu.

  • My favorite error message: xscreensaver, running on an old Sparc 5 w/ 8bit color: bsod: Couldn’t allocate color Blue

noitacidem deen uoy siht daer nac uoy fI

The truth is more important than the facts.
-Frank Lloyd Wright

Happiness is just not enough for me. I demand Euphoria. -Calvin

“I’d love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say tuned.”

“Of course I like women. Historically, man has always been attracted to Evil.”

  • Timothy McClanahan

"When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me --ice cream koan

If Chaos Theory has taught us anything, it’s that we must kill all the butterflies.

---- Ahhh… a man with a sharp wit. Someone ought to take it from him before he cuts himself ----

What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time…”; A southern fairytale begins “Y’All ain’t gunna believe this shit…”

“By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.” - George Carlin

There are three things certain in life: Death, Taxes and Amateur philosophers filling in the third category.

recognize something?

1337 is leet which stands for elite.

1337+666 is 2003 so i guess its talking about XP?

so windows 2003(elite+spawn of satan) seemed to always do it for me…

i dont get it…

I don’t know who’s sig it is, so I can’t tell ya. Nitpicky, nitpicky!