the BIG Jokes topic Part II
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#1: the BIG Jokes topic Part II Author: moogle PostPosted: Sun 21 Aug, 2005
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<mod> Post all jokes and funny stuff in here. Please don't post a joke as a separate topic in the forum. It will be locked and directed to this one. Thank you

This is a split topic Part I can be found here CLICK


The xxx jokes have been removed. Jokes do not need to be xxx to be funny.

This also counts for tasteless jokes. <mod>


Last edited by moogle on Tue 12 Apr, 2011; edited 3 times in total

#2:  Author: micro500 PostPosted: Mon 22 Aug, 2005
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2 muffins are in the oven. 1 says to the other "man, its hot in here!" The other replys back "Holy $^&! a talking muffin!!!"

#3:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Sun 28 Aug, 2005
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In the army, a private went to the sarge's office and asks "Why weren't you with us and ate in the cafeteria?" Then the sarge bursts "Oh $&|@!! My watch stopped! THen he ran down and hammered on the door "Lemme in! Lemme in! My watch stopped!!" Then the cook inside replies "Waddya think this is? A clock workshop?"

Last edited by Cid Silverwing on Sat 01 Oct, 2005; edited 1 time in total

#4:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Sun 28 Aug, 2005
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Q Why did the chicken cross the road, roll over in the dirt and then cross the road again?

A Because he was a dirty double crosser

#5:  Author: Wolf PostPosted: Sun 28 Aug, 2005
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gni

#6:  Author: Probobo PostPosted: Mon 29 Aug, 2005
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a husband and wife are pulled over by a cop on the highway and the cop says "do you know how fast you were going?" and the wife says "10 over the speed limit officer" the husband then says to his wife "be quiet okay!". the cop then points out his broken tail light and asks him when he was going to get it fixed and the husband responds "it just broke today. im going to get it fixed now" and the wife says "oh, that tail light has been broken forever and we aren't going to fix it today" "SHUT THE &*#@ UP!" grunts the husband. The cop said he was going to let them off but before leaving he asks the mans wife "does your husband always talk to you like that maam?" and she replies "only when hes drunk"

#7:  Author: Wolf PostPosted: Thu 01 Sep, 2005
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lach1 Never heard that one before! ^^

- I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

- Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

- How to tell if you're driving too fast...

#8:  Author: Spinoza PostPosted: Sun 04 Sep, 2005
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-What's the difference between roastbeef and peasoup?
anyone can roastbeef.

Here are some jokes that I have but they may offend, PM if you want to hear the punchline. And that Muffin joke, my friend came up with that joke in 2000 and sent it to an online company for a joke contest and he won the contest.

Here, I'll just tell the jokes and PM me for the punchline

-Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
-What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

To the mod, these jokes are not "xxx" but some may consider them in poor taste, which is why I'm not posting them. If you feel that they are too bad then just PM me and I'll edit the post(or you can do it)

#9:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Sun 11 Sep, 2005
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What happened to the swedish guy who ate crabs for dinner?

He did the famous side-ways crab-dance...

#10:  Author: Wolf PostPosted: Fri 30 Sep, 2005
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Know what tomorrow is? Friday! Not Boilday, not Bakeday, FRY-DAY! 8D

That was SOOOOOOOOO lame... ^^

Here's another...

A guy through a football at a woman. He said he was making a 'pass' at her. mrgeen

#11:  Author: Qu PostPosted: Fri 30 Sep, 2005
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what about a french pastor joke wolb? too weird you posted a joke in this topic when i dreamt of you telling jokes.

#12:  Author: Petter PostPosted: Fri 30 Sep, 2005
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Heard of the two musicians and the drummer who walked into a bar ?

Any drummers here ?

#13:  Author: Iluminada PostPosted: Mon 03 Oct, 2005
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Okay, this isn't really a joke but it's the closes I can come to one.

For those culturally sensitive, I am proud of my culture and ancestry but sometimes funny is just that. Funny

>This is not to insult or offend our culture. >
>
>WHY LATINOS CAN'T BE TERRORISTS............
>
>1. 8:45 am is too early for us to be up.
>
>2. We are always late, we would have missed all 4 flights.
>
>3. Pretty people on the plane distract us.
>
>4. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
>
>5. With food and drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there.
>
>6. We talk with our hands, therefore we would have to put our weapons
down.
>
>7. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
>
>8. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
>
>9. We can't keep a secret, we would have told everyone a week before
doing
>it.
>
>MY FAVORITE.....
>
>10. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield.

#14:  Author: Kaitou Motif PostPosted: Fri 28 Oct, 2005
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"I allways knew my mother hated me as a child, my bath toys were toasters and radios..."
----------
A man had three daughters, he is in the lounge one day and the eldest daughter walks in and asks
"Daddy, why did you name me Rose?"
"Because a rose petal fell onto your head when you were born" he replied
"Oh, okay then~" she responded and skipped out of ther room.
The second daughter comes in, her name is Teabag, she says:
"Daddy, why am I called Teabag?"
"Because your uncle dropped a teabag onto your head when you were born" he replied
"Oh, right.." she responded and walked out.
The third daughter enters, her name is Brick and she says:
"FaaUNGOOg"

(Sorry if that joke offends anyone..)

#15:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Fri 28 Oct, 2005
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What was the "FaaUNGOOg" for?

#16:  Author: Kaitou Motif PostPosted: Fri 28 Oct, 2005
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It's supposed to show that she's not right in the head.

#17:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Fri 28 Oct, 2005
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Oh...

#18:  Author: Magnus PostPosted: Mon 21 Nov, 2005
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Kenai told those to me
Do you know why the swedish have round houses? cos they dont want the dogs to wee on the corners

Why do the swedish carry cardoors in the desert? so they can open the window when it gets hot

And I told those to Kenai

A norwegian was visiting Great Britain and was driving around in his car when he hear on the radio that some idiot was driving on the wrong side of the road.
Then he said: One? I have seen hundreds of them

Why wasn't Jesus born in Norway?
They couldn't find three wise men.


In Sweden we tell stories about Norwegians being stupid and in Norway they tell stories about people from Sweden being stupid. And they funny thing is that it is the same stories.

I myself Have nothing against Norwegians

#19:  Author: Aikho PostPosted: Mon 21 Nov, 2005
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me niether not against swedish people either


not exactly a joke but... mabye not even fun but many jokes arent tounge1:

<Kenai> Anyone here?
<Rutt> im here tounge1
<Kenai> I know u are
<Rutt> realy... how?
<Kenai> i am you
<Rutt> you are?
<Kenai> yes... eh
<Rutt> oh...
<Kenai> ?
<Rutt> i didnt know...
<Kenai> you didnt?
<Rutt> nope...
<Kenai> oh...
<Rutt> ...
<Kenai> now you doo tounge2
<Rutt> yes..
<Kenai> colgate
<Rutt> thanks for telling me :D
<Kenai> no problem ^^
<FiXato> Kenai, please keep this room ontopic on dreaming only...
<Kenai> ok...
<Rutt> i will stop

*Change of Channel*

<Kenai> HELLO!!!
<Kenai> im so lonely
<Rutt> me too
<Kenai> i know
<Rutt> now i know im you so dont bother anoying me...
<Kenai> youre the one who is anoying
<Rutt> take your split personality to a different channel where im not!
<Kenai> why do you care
<Rutt> i dont!
<Kenai> well you seem quite angry
<Rutt> ahh... STOP bugging me!! cry
<Kenai> haha ebil
<Rutt> AAAHHH!!! grrr
<Kenai> youre getting angry
<Rutt> no im not hmm
<Kenai> yes you are...
<Rutt> nope hmm
<Kenai> YES You are!!! grrr
<Rutt> nope... sorry
<Kenai> youre driving me crazy!!! help!
<Rutt> haha!! now youre angry
* Kenai jumps off a cliff... landing on Rut
* Rutt broke his back
<Kenai> HAHA!!!
<Rutt> what you mean HAHA!!?
<Kenai> i luagh at you
<Rutt> how can you luagh at ur self?
<Kenai> i am...
<Rutt> have you forgot
<Kenai> forgot what
<Rutt> that we just was yelling at eacho..... aaa.....
<Kenai> ^^
<Rutt> :D

I find it quite amusing talking to myself

#20:  Author: Petter PostPosted: Tue 22 Nov, 2005
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lol !
Kenai !lach1

#21:  Author: Scotty Grumble PostPosted: Wed 23 Nov, 2005
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right phun talking to yourszelf when you yourself are responsing totally unnatural :D

#22:  Author: Aikho PostPosted: Wed 23 Nov, 2005
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You wrote allmost as bad as Painocus

#23:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sun 22 Jan, 2006
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I know quite a lot of jokes. A few opf which may be classed as "In bad taste" so i won't post them. But here are the rest.

What do you call a fly with no wings? A walk.
What do you call a walk with no legs? A raisin.

Why did people worship the sock? Because it was Holey.

A man walked into a bar, he said "OWWWWWW!"

A man listened to the match, he burnt his ear.

@ Magnus. We have those sort of jokes aswell, just about irish people. Here is one of them.

An irishman gets locked in a food store overnight and starved to death.

How did the irishman break his leg when sweeping leaves? He fell out of the tree.

I'll stop the irish jokes now. I will now move onto Blonde jokes.

A man needed his porch painted. He called a painter and the painter came. She was tall, blonde and carried a ladder with her for the painting. He asked her to paint the porch, and she said okay and walked away to start the painting. 10 minutes later she returns and says she has done it. He gives her the money and she then says "By the way, that's not a porsche, its a ferrari!"

#24:  Author: Iluminada PostPosted: Mon 06 Feb, 2006
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I love blonde jokes... roflmao

I'm not a joke person but a friend of mine told me this one:

If a girl with big boobs can work at Hooters, shouldn't a girl with one leg work at IHOP?!

#25:  Author: Wolf PostPosted: Mon 13 Feb, 2006
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lach1 Never heard that one before. ^^

#26:  Author: dsystemofadownz PostPosted: Sat 18 Feb, 2006
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lol this isnt really a joke but its worth to read ok
-- Two different men were driving on different cars on a foggy night. ( fake story yet funny) Both cars were later discovered twenty feet from each other and were on the side of the road... The cars were not damages yet both men had bloody noses and brain-damage... the question is... what happened...

--answers--- it was foggy so both men stuck their heads out the window and eventually crashed heads with each other when driving by! biggrin

#27:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Sat 18 Feb, 2006
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Here's a typical "norwegian, swedish and danish" joke, excluding the danish guy.

A norwegian and swedish guy were at the movies watching a western movie. Then the norwegian guy bet 100 kr that the indian would jump outta the rock and shoot the cowboy, the swedish bet against him. They watched on and the indian did jump outta the rock and shoot the cowboy. Then the norwegian guy says "Ah, forget the bet, I've watched the movie twice so it's not fair to bet. I knew what would happen.", then the swedish guy replies "Yeah, me too, and I never even had the slightest idea of the cowboy wanting to do the same mistake twice."

#28:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Sat 18 Feb, 2006
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lach2 That joke got to my sense of humour White Mage Cid - I'm really laughing out loud in real life instead of just smiling or groaning colgate

#29:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sat 18 Feb, 2006
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Not really jokes but, just funny anyway.

Car accident claim statements (real, for definite)

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road,
and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment


And, 22 things you should never say to a policeman

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on COPS?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Enjoy...

#30:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sat 18 Feb, 2006
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Another joke...

There were these two brothers named Shut Up and Trouble.
One day, Shut Up couldn't find Trouble and so went out looking for him.
While he was looking, a police car drove by and stopped.
He asked, "Hi, kid, what is your name?"
The boy answered him saying, "Shut Up.
" The cop, trying not to get upset, again says,
"Answer the question, what is your name ?"
Confused, he replies, "Shut Up!"
The policeman, now getting very agitated says, "okay kid, are you looking for trouble ?
" Shut Up, very excited, answers, "yeah, have you seen him ?"

#31:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sun 05 Mar, 2006
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Joke 1

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Joke 2

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

Joke 3

How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

Joke 4

A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"

Joke 5

It's the close of the day. The job is done. The farmer is thanking the ploughman and paying him for the work. "It's a fine job. Except I can't help noticing that you missed a little patch by the hedge here."
The ploughman looks contrite. "I know he said. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't bring myself to plough over that small patch of grass." There is a tear in the ploughman's eye. "It is the place where I first ever made love."
The farmer is moved. "That's a lovely story, I had no idea you were so romantic." And then, reluctantly, "But you missed another little patch under the tree over there."
"Ah." The ploughmans eyes are misty as he recalls the event. "That's where her mother sat and watched us."
"Sat and watched you! Good God man, what did she say?"
"Baa."

#32:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sat 11 Mar, 2006
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The Bartender and The Pirate

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

#33:  Author: Sonia PostPosted: Sat 11 Mar, 2006
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Here's one:

A dylsexic man walks into a bra...

#34:  Author: Fwump38 PostPosted: Sun 12 Mar, 2006
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I have one:

This guy walks into a restraunt with a full grown ostricht and sits down and the waitress asks what he wants. he says he wants a hamburger with frys and a coke. then the waitress asks the ostricht what it wants and it replies, "I'll have the same". The waitress says that it will be $9.40 and the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out exact change. The man comes in with his ostricht the next day and does the exact same. After awhile this becomes routine and so one friday the man walks in and the waitress asks if he wants the usual, and the man responds, "No it's friday, I'll have a steak and a baked potatoe", and she asks the ostricht, and it says "I'll hav the same". The waitress responds, that it will be $32.60 and the man again, pulls out exact change. Curious, the waitress asks, "How do you pull out exact change every time, and whats with the ostricht?" The man says, "I found a magic lamp and got two wishes. One was to pull out exact change every time I bought something." The waitress says, wow that’s pretty neat, most people would wish for a million dollars, but you will always have money, whether it’s a hamburger, or a jaguar, you will have exact change. Then the waitress asked, "But what was your second wish?" And the man replies, for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.
lach2

#35:  Author: Fiver PostPosted: Sun 12 Mar, 2006
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OK, this was Charlie Chaplin's favorite joke:
A man walked into a baker's shop and asked if the baker could bake him a sweet roll in the shape of the letter "e". The baker says he can, and to come back the next day.
The man does come back, and the baker shows him the "E". "Oh, but this is a capital "E". I'm sorry, I need lower case." The baker says to come back the next day and then the "e" would be ready.
The man does come in the next day, and the baker shows him the "e". "Do you want me to put this in a package for you?" asks the baker. "No, I'll just eat it here." Replies the man.

#36:  Author: somerandomguy PostPosted: Sun 12 Mar, 2006
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HebrewB wrote:
Joke 1

It's the close of the day. The job is done. The farmer is thanking the ploughman and paying him for the work. "It's a fine job. Except I can't help noticing that you missed a little patch by the hedge here."
The ploughman looks contrite. "I know he said. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't bring myself to plough over that small patch of grass." There is a tear in the ploughman's eye. "It is the place where I first ever made love."
The farmer is moved. "That's a lovely story, I had no idea you were so romantic." And then, reluctantly, "But you missed another little patch under the tree over there."
"Ah." The ploughmans eyes are misty as he recalls the event. "That's where her mother sat and watched us."
"Sat and watched you! Good God man, what did she say?"
"Baa."

oh my god thats rank! lach2
not sure wether i should laugh or go yak in the sink eek2

#37:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Mon 13 Mar, 2006
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laugh, SRZ... LAUGH!

#38: the french! Author: butterflydreamer PostPosted: Tue 28 Mar, 2006
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why do French tanks have 5 gears in reverse and one forward?

Just incase someone attacks from the rear!

#39:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Thu 30 Mar, 2006
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They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."



Another one...

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any
fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled
her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."


Another...

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


Yet another...

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming goes into The doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes Back and says, "I'm not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal... and top it off with a gallon of prunejuice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your *** is for."



And another... tell me if i did too much...

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin" came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street"
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162" the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon"
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

#40:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
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TO: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).


Thank you,

Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

#41:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
    ----
VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Company Policy: Effective from April 1st 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you can buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctors, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 annual leave days per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch break and subsequently leave 30 minutes early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company intranet under the Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people will be allowed 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

#42:  Author: Qu PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
    ----
lach2 Love it ^^

#43:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
    ----
Man, I laughed my *** off on that S.H.I.T joke! <insert rofl spam here>

#44:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
    ----
Well, even a joke that is S.H.I.T. or about S.H.I.T. Can get people laughing like S.H.I.T.

#45:  Author: Basilus West PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
    ----
Looks so much like real! lach2

#46:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
    ----
Yeah. yes

#47:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006
    ----
Well, its all from one B.I.G.S.H.I.T to the other B.I.G.S.H.I.Ts

#48:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Tue 04 Apr, 2006
    ----
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic
neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a
big juicy steak on his grill.

Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.
This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the
neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done
about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and
they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over
and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his
neighbors and become a Catholic.

They took him to church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him
and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now
you are Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was
resolved.

The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent
came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to
their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a
grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see
if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent?

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with
a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak
on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and
now you are a fish."

#49:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Wed 05 Apr, 2006
    ----
Educating Parrots

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

#50:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Thu 27 Apr, 2006
    ----
Casino Nudity

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed......

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked,

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching!"

Moral - not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

#51:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Thu 27 Apr, 2006
    ----
Heard that one before. That's a cheap trick. lach2

#52:  Author: televator PostPosted: Sat 05 Aug, 2006
    ----
Hey i've got one

Postman

An eighty year old man who lives in a village go to the postal service. He want to post a letter to his son in the city. He found postman there,
Old man: Mr. Postman, can you help me write a letter to my son?
Postman: That's no problem.
So the postman wrote everything that Oldman want to say to his son. Half hour later the writing is done. Oldman ask another help.
Oldman: Can you do me another help?
Postman: It's our job mr.
Oldman: Please worte PS: Sorry the writing is ugly.

#53:  Author: satty PostPosted: Sat 12 Aug, 2006
    ----
Petter wrote:
Heard of the two musicians and the drummer who walked into a bar ?

Any drummers here ?


boooooooooo! (i guess i'm a musician too though - i play piano too!)

a couple musical jokes:

- how do you get two oboes in tune?
shoot one of them

- how do you get two bagpipes in tune?
shoot both of them

#54:  Author: Cheap Plastic Imitation PostPosted: Mon 25 Sep, 2006
    ----
micro500 wrote:
2 muffins are in the oven. 1 says to the other "man, its hot in here!" The other replys back "Holy $^&! a talking muffin!!!"


I was seriously just about to post that, and it turns out it's first joke in Part II! Funny joke, though.

#55:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Mon 25 Sep, 2006
    ----
Cross a ghost with a police officer, which brings what results?

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#56:  Author: DayLight PostPosted: Fri 16 Mar, 2007
    ----
How do you keep a moron in suspense?


...

#57:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Fri 23 Mar, 2007
    ----
I'm bored, so you may be bombarded with oneliners.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He Shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Of course it sank. This proved once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other went to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..... . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. There was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends hoping that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh . No pun in ten did.

21. Two blondes walk into a building..you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

22. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

23. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

24. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

25. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

26. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

27. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

28. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy"

29. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

30. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

31. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

32. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

33. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat boy!"

34. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

35. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

36. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places." The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

37. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.


38. What did the moogle who had to read 37 lame jokes say? -

#58:  Author: whispa PostPosted: Fri 23 Mar, 2007
    ----
Mohegan wrote:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

34. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

35. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

smile I think those are my favourites.

Here's a joke i saw online a long time ago:

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief... "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

#59:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Fri 23 Mar, 2007
    ----
*moogle groans

.. and wonders about number 29 ... i don't get it

#60:  Author: caz345 PostPosted: Fri 23 Mar, 2007
    ----
after reading all of these all I can say is lol

#61:  Author: wnvoss PostPosted: Fri 23 Mar, 2007
    ----
Whispa, I told your joke at my concert tonight smile People seemed to like it a lot!

#62:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Fri 23 Mar, 2007
    ----
A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers:
"Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:


You got Male

#63:  Author: Cid Silverwing PostPosted: Fri 23 Mar, 2007
    ----
lach2

#64:  Author: whispa PostPosted: Sat 24 Mar, 2007
    ----
wnvoss wrote:
Whispa, I told your joke at my concert tonight smile People seemed to like it a lot!
How was the concert? Were you performing?

#65:  Author: wnvoss PostPosted: Sun 25 Mar, 2007
    ----
whispa wrote:
How was the concert? Were you performing?

It went well! It was a concert for the Jazz Band at my highschool. I play Baritone Saxophone in it. The whole "theme" of the concert was Jokes and Java, so people got to wander around and drink coffee and deserts while we played, and told jokes in between.

#66:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Tue 27 Mar, 2007
    ----
Train Ride

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the men.

"Watch and learn," answers one of the women.

They all board the train.

The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.


Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please!! "


The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.


The conductor takes it and moves on.


The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.


When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!


"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed man


"Watch and learn," answer the women.

When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.


Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves hertoilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.


The woman knocks on their door and says,"Ticket, please."
================================================== ===================================
The String

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked "Why the spoon?" ... "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we canreduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I
asked the waiter "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh,certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found
out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it
out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39
percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

#67:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Sun 08 Apr, 2007
    ----
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.



An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk...



The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"



"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.



The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."



"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.



The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."



The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.



The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.



The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"



"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.



The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.



"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"



"I can't pee out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter.



Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

#68:  Author: Win Laik Pya PostPosted: Sun 08 Apr, 2007
    ----
LOL! good one, Mohegan

My priest told me this one

A guy is late.. again... this time for an important meeting. He DESPERATELY needs to get there in time. He drives around the block what must have been 40 times looking for a parking space, but he can't find any. With time running out, he leans out his window and shouts "God, i promise i will go to church every sunday, i just need a parking space!"

Then, a miracle. A space opens up right in front of the doors he needs to go in! The man leans out his window and shouts "Never mind, i found one!"

#69:  Author: sQueek PostPosted: Sat 26 May, 2007
    ----
Ok here's a few:

A Pirate was looking out to sea one day and spys a single ship coming to attack. He calls to yhe first mate. "Prepare for battle and fetch me my red shirt" The first mate does this and the ships fight an epic battle. The captains ship wins. After the fight the first mate asks the captain. "Why do you wear your red shirt sir?" The captain replied "Well if I was wounded the crew wouldn't be able to see it and give up." A few days went by and the Captain spys thirty enemy ships comeing towards them. He calls to the first mate. "Fetch me my brown pants and prepare for battle!."

OK to keep with the theme:

A pirate meets an old pirate friend who has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye.

"What happened to your leg?"

"It was bitten off by a shark."

"What happened to your hand?"

"It was blown off in a battle"

"What happened to your eye?"

"A seagull crapped in my eye."

"That won't take your eye out."

"It was my first day with the hook."

Thats all for now smile

#70:  Author: DayLight PostPosted: Mon 28 May, 2007
    ----
What is the difference between a caberet show and a magic show?


One is a cunning array of stunts and the other...

#71: Joke Thread Not Inside Jokes Author: Promessa PostPosted: Wed 30 May, 2007
    ----
i got this off of internet
#1 God got really pissed so he decided to end the world he called what he thought were the most powerful men in the world Boris Yeltsvin,Bill Gates and Bill Clinton he told each man that they have one week to prepare there people for the apocalypse then he sent them back to earth bill clinton gathered all his officials and said i have good news and bad news good news is there is god bad news is he is going to end the world then boris yeltsvin gathered everyone and said i have bad news and worse news the bad news is there is a god the worse news is he is going to end the world then bill gates gathered all his engineers and said i have goodnews and betternews the goodnews is god considers me the most powerful man on earth the better news is we dont have to fix windows 95

#72:  Author: DayLight PostPosted: Fri 01 Jun, 2007
    ----
God made punctuation marks for a reason...

#73:  Author: Muzzius PostPosted: Sun 17 Jun, 2007
    ----
I'm going to post some blonde jokes cause they're really easy to remember. (no offense to blonde people)

A blondes standing at a vending machine and keep putting money in typing the number and taking something out.
A person walks up behind them and says " excuse i've been waiting ages can i use this"
The Blonde says. "i'm not moving from here I keep winning!"
It sound better if i actually say it...oh well

I said to a blonde on december the 20th that christmas was just around the corner and then they rn off to look for it.

A blonde a brunette and a ginger person are on an island in the middle of a lake without a boat but with trees on the island. They can see the mainland from where they are. The blonde swims across to the mainland. The Ginger person cuts down some trees and makes a raft. The brunette walks across the bridge.

2 blondes walk into a building.
you'd think 1 of them would of noticed it.

The little candle said to the big candle "i'm going out tonight"

Patient:Doctor! Doctor! theres a strawberry growing out of my arse!
Doctor: I'll give you some cream for it.

Sorry that most of my jokes are really bad. grin

#74:  Author: PeacheyMcKeitch PostPosted: Sun 17 Jun, 2007
    ----
An arial and a satilight got married the other day.

The cerimony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant!

AHAHAHAHAHAHHAH!!! Love that joke.

#75:  Author: Vichlatti PostPosted: Thu 21 Jun, 2007
    ----
DayLight wrote:
How do you keep a moron in suspense?


...


Lol, I love that one - I told one of my classmates it and he actually thought about it for 10 minutes! Then he ate half the copper carbonate powder he was testing.

I have a joke, but I haven't any other of these type of jokes on the thread so if there is some reason it shouldn't be here, I'll edit. ^^

"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting Cow."
"Interrupting C- "
"MOO!"

#76:  Author: whispa PostPosted: Thu 21 Jun, 2007
    ----
A funny clip from the 'Big Train' comedy series http://youtube.com/watch?v=s70anwYaAxA grin

#77:  Author: MovieMe PostPosted: Thu 21 Jun, 2007
    ----
I found this joke on a website about a year ago. Kind of funny.

Quote:
CIA Test

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
- We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
- Kill her!!!? The man said, You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.

The agent said,
- Then you're not the right man for this job.

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes.
- I tried, but I can't kill my wife.

The agent said,
- You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
- You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

#78:  Author: Wulf PostPosted: Thu 21 Jun, 2007
    ----
Good one grin

#79:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Wed 27 Jun, 2007
    ----
Insurance claim forms... These are real BTW.


"I STARTED to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I PULLED into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised
the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket"

Q: COULD either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?

THIS customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on his claim
form were:
Q: What warning was given by you?
A: Horn.
Q: What warning was given by other party?
A: Moo.

"I STARTED to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and a elephant
tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and
hit a bollard"

"ON approach to the lights the car in front suddenly broke"

"I DIDN'T think the speed limit applied after midnight"

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting, or any other pastimes of a
hazardous nature?
A: I watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry ***an.

"FIRST car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis run into
the rear of second car"

"WINDSCREEN broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I PULLED away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment"

"THE other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention"

"I COLLIDED with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A TRUCK backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A PEDESTRIAN hit me and went under my car"

"IN an attempt to kill a fly. I drove into a telephone pole"

"I HAD been shopping for plants all day and was on my home. As I reached an
intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the
other car"

"TO avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian"

"AN invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished"

"I WAS thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch
by some stray cows"

"MY car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle"

"I WAS on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint
gave way cause me to have an accident"

"THE pedestrian had no idea which way to run so I ran him over"

o I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found
that I had a fractured skull.

o I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.

o I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of
my car.

o The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth.

o The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the
way when I struck the front end.

o I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.

o The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I
hit him.

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind


"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

"I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."

"The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."

"I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."

"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."

"My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim.)

"I drove out of my drive straight into a bus...... The bus was four minutes early."

"Coming home from work, I turned into the wrong house and collided with a tree I haven't got."

"I drove into a lamp-post which was obscured by human beings"

"The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week"

"The pedestrian admitted the accident was his fault had he been knocked down before"

#80: small joke Author: Kindergarten PostPosted: Tue 10 Jul, 2007
    ----
what's brown and sticky?

^^

#81:  Author: Wyrmfell PostPosted: Tue 10 Jul, 2007
    ----
A stick.

Two drums and a symbol fall out of a truck.

*duh-duh tss*

That's supposed to be that drumline played at the end of the punchline. Loses its edge in text.

#82:  Author: Tcc PostPosted: Mon 16 Jul, 2007
    ----
EDIT: fixed one
1)Did you hear about the scarecrow who won the award?

He was out standing in his field. :D

2) A guy walks into a diner and sits down. He orders his usual meal and starts eating. Halfway through he notices a Panda is eating not to far away. The Panda finishes its meal, gets up, takes out two pistols and starts shooting, then it walks out the door. The guy asks the waiter, "Why did the Panda just take out pistols and start shooting?" The waiter replied, "Look it up in the dictionary." When the guy gets home he looks up Panda. It says "Panda:eats shoots and leaves."

3) Did you hear about the teacher with the lazy eye that was fired?

She couldn't control her pupils.

4) An atom walks into a bar and has a few drinks. When the atom is about to walk out the door, he notices he's missing an electron. "I've just lost my electron!" "Are you sure?" said the bartender. "I'm positive!"


5) Did you know that bombs from a bomber are always 100% accurate? They always hit the ground!


6) A plane is flying through some thick fog at night time.

The pilot then pulled out .38 revolver.
Pilot: You know what I use this for?
Navigator: What?
Pilot: I use it on navigators who get me lost!
The navigator then pulls out a .44 magnum.
Pilot: What's that for?
Navigator: To tell you the truth, I'll know we're lost before you do.

7) Two friends are walking down the street and stumble upon a genie's lamp. "Wow! We could get three wishes!" So one of them rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says "You get three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your friend will receive double." "Ok! I wish for a billion dollars!" "You know your friend will get double?" "Oh, I know."
Poof! a billion dollars appeared and 2 billion for the friend. "For my second wish, I wish for a 2000 foot yacht." "Ok, your friend gets a 4000 foot one though." "And what will your last wish be?" The first friend said "I wish to be beaten half to death." "You know your friend gets double, right?" "Yes I do."


Last edited by Tcc on Mon 16 Jul, 2007; edited 1 time in total

#83:  Author: DarkRaven PostPosted: Mon 16 Jul, 2007
    ----
I read this on someone's blog the other day, it's so bad but my sister and I laughed for 3 minutes. grin

Little Margaret was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very good" and Margaret fell back asleep.
A while later the Nun asked Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Margaret didn't even stir from her slumber.
0nce again, little Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
"Jesus Christ!" shouted Margaret and the Nun said "Very Good" and Margaret fell back asleep.
Then the Nun asked Margaret a third question.
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that d**m thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The Nun fainted.

#84:  Author: phantom_lover_4ever PostPosted: Wed 25 Jul, 2007
    ----
3 blondes were walking in the woods and came across some tracks.
Blonde 1: I think they're bear tracks.
Blonde 2: I think they're wolf tracks.
The 3rd blonde couldn't say anything. She got ran over by a train.
grin
I love dumb blonde jokes...

#85:  Author: Magnus PostPosted: Thu 09 Aug, 2007
    ----
A. The japanese eats little fat and have less heart attacks than englishmen and americans.

B. The french eats a lot of fat and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.

C. The japanes drinks little red wine and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.

D. The italians drink a lot of red wine and have less heart attacks then englishmen and americans.

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#86:  Author: MovieMe PostPosted: Thu 09 Aug, 2007
    ----
I found this joke to be one of the best ones I've ever heard. I heard it 6 months ago but I can't find it so it's written straight from my memory.
(Translated from Swedish)

A woman was driving along the road when a cop shouts for her to pull over. The woman parks her car aside the road and the male cop comes up to her.
"Excuse me ma'm but are you aware that you were driving way too fast?", the cop says.
"Oh, I'm sorry., the woman answers
"Do you have a drivers license?", the cop says.
"Yeah, I think it's here somewhere along with my gun, the woman answers
"You have a gun in your car?!", the cop says.
"Ah, yes, it's not the most modern gun, and it has blood stains all over it but it sure works good., the woman answers
"Blood? Who's blood?", the cop asks.
"The blood from the guy I shot, he's laying in my luggage space along with some hitchhiker from last week.", the woman answers.
"Oh my god, stay right here!", the cop command the woman.
"As you wish, officer.", she answers.

The cop walks quickly up to his car and calls for backup.
The chief police walks up to the woman, armed and backed up by two other cops. The cop who pulled her over is standing back at his car.
The chief of police asks the woman to step out of the car. She does exactly what she's been told.
They search her car but cannot find any bodies or guns.


"One of my men told me you had two dead bodies in your luggage space, is that true?", he asks the woman.
"What? No, not at all.", the woman aswers chocked but calmly.
"I also heard that you had a gun in your car, is that true?", the chief of police asks her.
"Absolutely not! Let me guess, he's also told you I was speeding?!", the woman answers.


This is not the original joke (which I'm sure was much funnier) but this was written from my memory.

#87:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Tue 04 Sep, 2007
    ----
You Know You’re Living In 2007 When…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn’t even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

#88:  Author: Qu PostPosted: Wed 05 Sep, 2007
    ----
Quote:
You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.


lolrood

#89:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Wed 05 Sep, 2007
    ----
This one is kinda bad... but here goes.

There are 3 young boys, called Shutup, Manners, and Sh*t.

Sh*t got ran over by a lorry, and Manners was trying to help him up, as he was still alive but both his legs were broken. Shutup decided to call an ambulance. He phoned and gave the name of the place and said what had happened. Before he put the phone down, however, the person at the other end of the phone asked him what his name was... Their conversation went something like this...

Person: So, what's your name?
Shutup: Shutup.
Person: I only asked, please, what is your name?
Shutup: Shutup.
Person: Where's your manners?
Shutup: In the middle of the road picking up Sh*t.

#90:  Author: MovieMe PostPosted: Wed 05 Sep, 2007
    ----
moogle wrote:

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.


Are you watching me lol? tounge2
Everything on that list is true lol tounge2 Except I entered my PIN on my tv remote control wink5

#91:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Sat 03 Nov, 2007
    ----
A duck goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and says "Got any bread?" the barman replies "Sorry mate we don't do food". A minute later the duck says "Got any bread?" so the barmen repeats "Look mate I just told you we don't do food". Another minute passes and the duck pipes up "Got any bread?" At this the barman shouts at him .....Look Ive told you twice we don't do food, if you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar!" A couple of minutes pass and the duck asks "Got any nails?" . At this the barman loses his rag and shouts at the duck "NO we haven't got any nails" - the duck looks at him for a moment and asks "Got any bread then".

#92:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Sun 04 Nov, 2007
    ----
moogle wrote:
A duck goes into a pub, walks up to the bar and says "Got any bread?" the barman replies "Sorry mate we don't do food". A minute later the duck says "Got any bread?" so the barmen repeats "Look mate I just told you we don't do food". Another minute passes and the duck pipes up "Got any bread?" At this the barman shouts at him .....Look Ive told you twice we don't do food, if you ask me again I'll nail your beak to the bar!" A couple of minutes pass and the duck asks "Got any nails?" . At this the barman loses his rag and shouts at the duck "NO we haven't got any nails" - the duck looks at him for a moment and asks "Got any bread then".


That joke is brilliant... I heard it ages ago, and still laugh at it.

here's one for you... Might offend, so it will be in spoilers...

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#93:  Author: Sakoda PostPosted: Fri 09 Nov, 2007
    ----
i know that joke , (the one moogle wrote...) its nice :D
eyeroll at HebreWs joke ....

#94:  Author: burning_idle PostPosted: Tue 13 Nov, 2007
    ----
That joke's from The Crow isn't it, HebrewB?

What's black and white and eats like a horse?

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#95:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Tue 13 Nov, 2007
    ----
burning_idle wrote:
That joke's from The Crow isn't it, HebrewB?


Indeed it is... Awesome movie... R.I.P Brandon Lee...

#96:  Author: Sandra PostPosted: Wed 14 Nov, 2007
    ----
Someone else posted this on another forum, and thought it would be nice to post it here too. It's quite long, but some are pretty nice ^^

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH :
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself
b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen
is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a
national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still
you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame
the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN :
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your
country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
a.like the Dutch, just less efficient
b.like the French, just less romantic
c.like the Germans
5. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
6. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and
they make fun of you.
7. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
8. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
9. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders
10. Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GERMAN :

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

Give them a second chance :
1. Oktoberfest.
2. Oktoberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail
in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ENGLISH :

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to confuse everyone with the rules of cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SCOTTISH :
1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING WELSH :
1. You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING IRISH :
1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican
Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex
with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the
morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING FRENCH :

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on
Channel 4.
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street
humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AMERICAN :
1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. You get to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody
seems to care.
9. You get to call everyone you've never met "buddy".
10. You can think you're the greatest nation on earth.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING NORWEGIAN :
1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour
ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing -
its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about
killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING ITALIAN :
1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING SPANISH :

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight
clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING INDIAN :
1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN :
1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity
ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their
skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to
the ground.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN :

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no
civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000
years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING GREEK :

1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture
most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police is even more corrupt than the criminals they are
supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the
thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around
wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in
a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of
the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to
let everyone else around the world know about it
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

#97:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Mon 17 Dec, 2007
    ----
one liners ..

I childproofed my house, but they still get in!

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.





edit 19 Dec

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet of their car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Hey! You! Buzz off!"
bat

#98:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Thu 03 Jan, 2008
    ----
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I canget a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers andsaid, "About two hours."

The guy left. A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "Howlong before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop andsaid," About three hours."

The guy left. A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How longbefore I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop and said,"About an hour and a half."

The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor.
Followthat guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back.

"A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"
Bill lookedup, tears in his eyes from laughter and said,

"Your house."

#99:  Author: Josher777 PostPosted: Thu 10 Jan, 2008
    ----
what did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

where's my tractor?

#100:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Fri 08 Feb, 2008
    ----
Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. The other two said, "Man,what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player;a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake. They asked, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his *** and kissed him good night. Daryl sat up and watched me all night."

#101:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Fri 08 Feb, 2008
    ----
I love that one, Mohegan!

#102:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Mon 18 Feb, 2008
    ----
Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

"The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension. Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother"

The fairy godmother replied, "It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life."

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

"Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off"

#103:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Mon 18 Feb, 2008
    ----
Love it Mohegan!

#104:  Author: Queen SD PostPosted: Tue 19 Feb, 2008
    ----
lach2 Mohegan i love that one, it's sooo funneh lach1
Here are some blonde jokes

Blonde: Hello, my name is Martha and for some reason i can't print something. Everytime i click the "print" button it says "can't find printer". I moved the printed right in front of the screen but it STILL says i can't find it!

Blonde: I can't access the internet, it won't accept the password.
Technician: Are you sure the password is correct?
Blonde: Yes, i saw my collegue type it before.
Technician: And what is the password?
Blonde: It's five stars (*****)

Blonde: Hello, there seems to be a serious problem with my pc. My friend set a screensaver but it disappeares everytime i move my mouse!

(i have nothing personal against blondes, i just think the jokes can be funny tounge2 )

#105:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Tue 19 Feb, 2008
    ----
Queen SD wrote:

Blonde: Hello, there seems to be a serious problem with my pc. My friend set a screensaver but it disappeares everytime i move my mouse!


I haven't heard that one before!

#106:  Author: Termal PostPosted: Tue 19 Feb, 2008
    ----
HebrewB wrote:
Another joke...

There were these two brothers named Shut Up and Trouble.
One day, Shut Up couldn't find Trouble and so went out looking for him.
While he was looking, a police car drove by and stopped.
He asked, "Hi, kid, what is your name?"
The boy answered him saying, "Shut Up.
" The cop, trying not to get upset, again says,
"Answer the question, what is your name ?"
Confused, he replies, "Shut Up!"
The policeman, now getting very agitated says, "okay kid, are you looking for trouble ?
" Shut Up, very excited, answers, "yeah, have you seen him ?"


Oh I know it with Shut up and Brain. Mom sent Brain to the shop. After boy is saying shut up cop came to his mother and said "What is his name" "Shut up" "Oh my god do you have brain" "Yes he is at the shop" colgate

#107:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Wed 27 Feb, 2008
    ----
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"


=====

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother
who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old
and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken
among other injuries.
Someone. had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it
was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in
the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room
when I brought Daddy a little cup of tea, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea,
my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me
bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of
tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever
occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the
Toilet??"

=====


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give
this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser
in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your
assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at
this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm
sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to
say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny
little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh,
pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS
DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an atempt to avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a
violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

SON-OF-A-***, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I
had no control over the drooling. Apparrently I s*** myself, but was too numb
to know for sure and my sence of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud
above my head which I believe was came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

======

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b**tard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f**king b**tard!!!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt! Now what is the problem?"

Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that b**tard. And every time I asked to borrow a f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

#108:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Mon 10 Mar, 2008
    ----
IN honour of the Testiez:


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:


'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......



'A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??'

#109:  Author: LadyBa PostPosted: Tue 11 Mar, 2008
    ----
that's a wiccan one

which is the most blessed animal?
the blessed bee

#110:  Author: chickenleggz PostPosted: Fri 14 Mar, 2008
    ----
this joke may be found in bad taste by some veiwers so if you want to read it go ahead

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)


also heres one i like to call "Tricking the machine"
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#111:  Author: Sakoda PostPosted: Tue 18 Mar, 2008
    ----
the last one is really ... rolleyes and old .. it just expresses mans ambiguous relation to the machines he created .. (aa im turning freudian nuu)

So this guy is heading into his doctor’s office. Just as he’s about to enter, the door SLAMS open and a woman runs out screaming.

He’s a little baffled and concerned but proceeds in anyways. He gets inside and see’s the doctor. He asks, “What happened with her? Bad news?”

The doctor replies, “I just told her she was pregnant.”

“Is she?”

“No, but it sure cured her hiccups.”
:D

#112:  Author: Mr. Happy PostPosted: Sun 23 Mar, 2008
    ----
This was actually said on television

"Because of the following special program "The Invisible Man" will not be seen tonight"

#113:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Tue 15 Apr, 2008
    ----
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that
they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he
noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?'
She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said
'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, 'That's right You are!


Better not eat any more chicken.'
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, 'I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches,
I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.


She said 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!

You've already got the neck and the gizzards

#114:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Mon 21 Apr, 2008
    ----
Woo double post.

These are genuine clips from council complaint letters:


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.

5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

9. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

10. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

11. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen

12. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

13. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

14. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

15. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.

16. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

17. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
unsightly and dangerous.

19. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

20. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

22. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

23. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.

====

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have someof that straw to build my house?'


The teacher paused then asked the class:

'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ...'I think the man would have said - 'Well, f*** me!! A talking pig!'

#115:  Author: Wyvern PostPosted: Mon 21 Apr, 2008
    ----
Mohegan wrote:

7. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

18. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which
unsightly and dangerous.

21. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

lach2

To anyone who's into Music Theory:

C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them and after a few drinks, G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."

A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." And in fact, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest.

So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.

The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.

#116:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Tue 13 May, 2008
    ----
The Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzled old Sergeant Major who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my todger to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider; explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Sergeant Major insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's todger and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The old Sergeant Major replied, ' Basra .'

#117:  Author: The HB PostPosted: Tue 20 May, 2008
    ----
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong enough to nick one.

The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, Leeds, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

#118:  Author: Tundra PostPosted: Mon 26 May, 2008
    ----
This is my new FAVOURITE JOKE...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkEdOJJkmCQ

#119:  Author: mattias PostPosted: Tue 27 May, 2008
    ----
What did the zen teacher say to the hot dog man?

"Make me one with everything."

wink

#120:  Author: Traveler PostPosted: Thu 12 Jun, 2008
    ----
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

#121:  Author: Sakoda PostPosted: Sun 13 Jul, 2008
    ----
mattiasdavis wrote:
What did the zen teacher say to the hot dog man?

"Make me one with everything."

wink

epic lach2


The 5 FACTS

5 facts on Earth. Fact 1 : You can’t touch all your teeth with your tongue. Fact 2 : After reading fact 1 all fools will try it. Fact 3 : Now you will smile ‘cause you have become a fool. Fact 4 : Now you will tell this joke to other fools.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#122:  Author: Kava PostPosted: Sat 19 Jul, 2008
    ----
I love the Muffin joke, I was telling that at work today. That joke is so funny.

#123:  Author: BlueAndWhite PostPosted: Sat 16 Aug, 2008
    ----
What do you call 1000 nuns in a shop?

Virgin megastore wink5

'My girlfriends a vegetarian, so for her birthday i bought her a 'cheap and easy vegetarian cooking' book. because not only is she a vegetarian.....'

This may get deleted, but its worth a try, sorry if it offends , that is not the intention.

<mod>edited out .... </mod>

-- Hope you like =]

#124:  Author: Kava PostPosted: Tue 19 Aug, 2008
    ----
Did you here about the women who couldnt pay her excercisem bill....

She got repossesed.

#125: Joke thread Author: dragonfire455 PostPosted: Sun 24 Aug, 2008
    ----
<mod>merged :wnvoss:</mod>

Post all your funny jokes here


I got one:

So this guy gets a call from a doctor
and the doctor tells him "You need to come down to the hospital, you're wife's been in a accident"
so the guy goes down there
and the doctor tells him "Good news or Bad news first?"
and the guy says "Aw, give me the bad news"
The doctor says "Your wife is paralized, you have to feed her and dress her and bathe her"
and the guy replies saying "Aw shit what's the good news?"
and the doctor says "I'm *** with you, she's dead"

#126:  Author: Genkai PostPosted: Sun 24 Aug, 2008
    ----
I apologize in advance for the following:

So I say to my friend: "Hey, are you a Cartesian Dualist?"
He responds: "Nah, I don't play Yu-Gi-Oh!."

For the record, I don't think it's that funny either.

#127:  Author: Mohegan PostPosted: Mon 08 Sep, 2008
    ----
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site one day when Paddy turns to Murphy and says "ey Paddy, watch this, I'll betcha I can get the day off"

With that Paddy climbs to the top of the rafters and starts swinging off them shouting "I'm a lighbulb, I'm a Lightbulb"

Sure enough, the foreman comes along, tells Paddy he's mad, to pack his tools and go home for the day.

Murphy, watching this, starts packing his tools too - the Foreman asks him "What d'ya think you're doing then"

Murphy simply explains: "Well I'm not working in the dark!"

#128:  Author: kuba_10 PostPosted: Fri 10 Oct, 2008
    ----
Maybe some IRC quotations?
1.
<man>67% of women don't use their brain at all...
<woman>I'm from that 13%
2.
<x>That Maggie is such a b*tch
<Maggie>What???
<x>F*ck, wrong window
3.
<x>There's such a high pressure there that it'd blow your balls
<y>I'm a girl
<x>So it'd blow your brain
<z>She's a girl
4.
<girl>Hey, wanna talk?
<F**king your mom>Look at my nick
<girl>So?
<F**king your mom>Don't you understand?
<girl>No, but let's learn something about each other
<F**king your mom>But I know you
<girl>How?
<F**king your mom>Look at my nick
<girl>Dad?

#129:  Author: lazyastronomer PostPosted: Sat 25 Oct, 2008
    ----
Uhm, may want to keep teh content down there, kuba.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There's skid marks in front of the lawyer!

There's a guy speedin' down the road at nearly 100 mph, and this cop pulls him over. He says, "Alright, bud, what's your excuse?"
And the driver says, "It wasn't my fault, officer, my .22 was stuck under the brake."
"Your .22? Uhm, can I see your license and registration papers?"
"This isn't even my car. I stole it, killed the owner, and stuffed him in the trunk."
The cop goes, "Uhhh," and goes back to his car for backup.
He comes back with a whole bunch of these other officers. "He stole the car, shot the owner dead, and hid him in the the trunk!"
So the driver says, "What are you talkin' 'bout?" and they check in the trunk, and there's no dead guy. He shows them his papers and license, and he really does own the car. He gives the cop a glare and says, "I bet the liar said I was speeding, too!"

#130:  Author: Mew151 PostPosted: Wed 03 Dec, 2008
    ----
Not sure you'll understand this: (it's a php joke)

#131:  Author: zaret PostPosted: Fri 01 May, 2009
    ----
This is a corny chick joke but my kids love it (just make sure to change your voice with the characters)

Rooster decided that baby chicken is ready to become a "man". Went to the bar

Daddy Rooster (with a deep voice) "Serve the strongest shot to my son!...(done) Son do you feel anything?"

Baby Chicken (with a little voice) "I don't feel anything"

Daddy Rooster (with a mad deep voice) "What? Bartender give me another one but double... now son?"

Baby Chicken (with a fragile little voice) "I don't feel anything"

Daddy Rooster (extra loud voice) "WTF, thats my son!, keep serving him!"

After 5 tries the father ask again

"Son do you feel anything now?"

The baby chick replied with a fragile crying little voice "I still don't feel anything... I don't feel my feet, I don't feel my peak, I don't feel my wings, I don't feel anything"

#132:  Author: Phi_guy PostPosted: Fri 01 May, 2009
    ----
For the physics geeks:
A professor is lecturing on angular momentum and, as a demonstration, is spinning on a chair with weights in each hand. However, he loses his balance is thrown off. He then apologizes for going off on a tangent.

#133:  Author: Gothic Fighter PostPosted: Wed 12 Aug, 2009
    ----
One day, a peasant goes the mayor of the village.
-Good day, sir. I have an ugly name and I would like to change it.
-What is your name, if you say it's so ugly?
-Jack D!c#h3@d.
-Oh, that's an ugly name indeed. And what new name would you like?
-John D!c#h3@d

#134:  Author: Spider PostPosted: Sat 15 Aug, 2009
    ----
This is croatian joke about slovenians but you'll get it, its an universal smile

There were three guys by the river..one was bosnian,one croatian and one slovenian.
they found gold fish..
Gold Fish: "look, there's three of you so you get one wish per person
bosnian guy steps first;
Bosnian: "I want Bosnia to be the greatest country in the world, everyone rich and happy"
Gold Fish: "so it will be"
Slovenian: " i want all the non-slovenians out of the country,and then make a wall mile high so nobody can enter anymore"
Gold Fish: "so it will be"
Croatian: "Does the wall leak?"
Gold Fish: "uhm..no."
Croatian:" good, fill it to the top! "

#135:  Author: Spider PostPosted: Sat 12 Sep, 2009
    ----
One for Qu

Newton, Pasquale and Tesla were playing hide and seek
So the Tesla counts, Newton hides and Pasquale just draws an rectangle around him.
Tesla : "Ha ! Pasquale i found you, now you count."
Pasquale: "No, Tesla, Pasquale squared is Newton, its his turn! "

#136:  Author: Kandismon PostPosted: Sat 12 Sep, 2009
    ----
Okay i'll try:
There's a hotel in a city, but there is just THIS hotel.
And there are three men: a german, a russian and a chinese.
They all want to sleep in that hotel, but threre is just ONE room left. No one wants to sleep there because there are supposedly ghosts. The german says:" Who cares! I'll sleep in the room." He walks into the room and hears a noise:"When i'll get you, i'll eat you! When i'll get you i'll eat you! " The german is so scared that he jumps out of the window.
The chinese says "What a coward!" and goes into the room. After a few minutes, he also hears that voice:" When i'll get you, i'll eat you! When i'll get you, i'll eat you!"
The chinese is also scared and jumped out of the window...
The russian says:" Now it's my turn^^" In the room he hears that voice:" When i'll get you, i'll eat you! When i'll get you i'll eat you!" The russian opens a cupboard. He sees a boy with his finger is his nose: "When i'll get you, i'll eat you! When i'll get you i'll eat you!

#137:  Author: Mew151 PostPosted: Sat 12 Sep, 2009
    ----
Why did Wolfy push himself out the window?

Because he wanted to! woo

(Made by me in 4th grade... it still hasn't lost any power.)

#138:  Author: Splinter PostPosted: Wed 27 Jan, 2010
    ----
Sorry if it's been told already, but I just have to tell this one.

A lion wouldn't cheat on his wife.
But a Tiger Wood! :'D

Hey, it made me laugh first time I heard it. :3

-Splint

#139:  Author: FawnBrown PostPosted: Wed 07 Apr, 2010
    ----
lach2

A army officer was glad to be promoted from captain to major.
Why?
Because his last name is Hook.

#140:  Author: Win Laik Pya PostPosted: Wed 14 Apr, 2010
    ----
A mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "sorry, i can't serve you here"

The mushroom says: "aww, why not? I'm a fun guy!"

#141:  Author: Mew151 PostPosted: Thu 08 Jul, 2010
    ----
Do you want a pointer on making video games?

0xC0FFEE

#142:  Author: Pseudomaniac PostPosted: Sat 17 Jul, 2010
    ----
A farmer has three daughters. All of them are going out on their first date on the same night. He stands by the door with a shotgun. His oldest daughter's date comes to the door. "Hi, I'm Freddy, I'm here for Betty, we're going to go eat some spaghetti." he says. The farmer lets his eldest daughter go. Then his middle daughter's date comes to the door. He says "My name is Bo, I'm here for Flo, is she ready to go?" The farmer nods and lets his middle daughter go. His youngest daughter's date approaches the door. He says, "Hi, my name's Chuck." The farmer shoots him in the head.

A politician dies and goes to the pearly gates. St. Peter says "We're trying a new deal up here. We'll let you spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven and then let you pick." The politician then spends one day in Hell. He has a good time, partying with all his deceased friends. He then spends a day in Heaven. He meets new friends and has a good time, but misses his old friends. So the next day he approaches St. Peter and says "I know this will sound kind of weird, but I think I'd rather go to Hell." St. Peter fulfills his wish. It's very hot, dark, and barren. The politician goes up to Satan and says "What's going on here? Where's the party? Where's my friends?" Satan replies "That was the campaign. Now you voted."

A woman is talking with a friendly seeming neighbourhood guy who has agreed to babysit her young children. She asks, "Have you ever been down to the playground?" The man replies "Oh yes, I have." "Do you enjoy watching the children there?" she asks. "Oh yes," the man replies, "I love to watch the children run and jump about. See, they don't know I'm firing blanks."

A lead guitarist and a bass guitarist get in a fight onstage. The singer walks over and says "Hey, what are you guys doing?" The bassist angrily replies "He detuned one of my strings and he won't tell me which one!"

How many female singers does it take to change a lightbulb? One, she hold the lightbulb in place and the world revolves around her.

#143:  Author: tosxyChor PostPosted: Sat 17 Jul, 2010
    ----
Three construction workers in New York argue over who's strongest. To prove each other's strength over the others' they decide to see how high they can throw bricks. So the first worker throws one brick, and it goes over the Statue of Liberty. The second worker takes a second brick and throws it over the Empire State Building. So the third worker takes another brick and throws it up into the sky, and it never comes back.

So, how was it? turn3

#144:  Author: Rhewin PostPosted: Sun 18 Jul, 2010
    ----
Wait, I don't get it...

#145:  Author: tosxyChor PostPosted: Sun 18 Jul, 2010
    ----
Hmm... Well, I'll tell another then:

A guy was riding on an airplane, and he decided to smoke a cigar. Unfortunately, he was sitting next to a woman with a dog. The dog began coughing, so the lady said, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please put out your cigar? It's really bothering my dog."

He angrily replied, "No, I won't! You shouldn't have a dog on this flight anyways!"

"This is a non-smoking flight! You need to put that cigar out!" she said. They argued back and forth... get rid of the dog, put out the cigar, and so on.

Finally, the man said, "Look, I'll compromise with you. If you get rid of your dog, I'll get rid of the cigar." He was thinking, "She'll never want to give up her dog." But much to his surprise, she agreed to the deal!

The lady opened the window (amazingly, without causing the air pressure inside the plane to drop) and threw her dog out. The man, thinking that he had another cigar anyways, threw his cigar out the window, thinking that he had won.

However, the woman suddenly reached out the window, and grabbed her dog's leash! As she pulled the dog back in, she was thinking that she'd won, but do you know what the dog had in its mouth?

Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#146:  Author: Don Anonymus PostPosted: Sun 18 Jul, 2010
    ----
Good one toxyChor ^^ . Now let me tell you one of the best jokes I know:

A man comes back from work. He's quite tired and wants to watch some TV. There he takes the remote and tries to find some channel he would like. Suddently his wife hits him on the head with a frying pan.
"Oooouch ! Hey, what's wrong with you ?!", he said.
"What's with this phone number in your bag ???!!!"
"Oh, that one ? Sweetheart, its the number of the horse I bet at the horse races today..."
She calms down. The next day the same. He is really tired and can be found watching TV again. All of a sudden his wife hits him again with a frying pan on his head.
"Aaaaargh ! What the ? Are you nuts ?? Waht was that for ??"
"The horse phoned you !"

#147:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Tue 27 Jul, 2010
    ----
A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor says.

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "DeNephew".

#148:  Author: Ghosteh PostPosted: Tue 27 Jul, 2010
    ----
Nice one moogle, it was hilarious lach1

Never thought so far that Denise sounds like the niece tounge2

#149:  Author: Eloge PostPosted: Wed 28 Jul, 2010
    ----
Three survivors are on an island.
One day, they catch a golden fish.
Fish offers everyone one wish.
First man says "I want to go home!"
And he's gone.
The second man says "I want to go home too!"
And he's gone too.
And the third man looks around. He sees he's alone.
"I feel alone already. I want them back!"

#150:  Author: FretDancer PostPosted: Thu 29 Jul, 2010
    ----
Eloge wrote:
Three survivors are on an island.
One day, they catch a golden fish.
Fish offers everyone one wish.
First man says "I want to go home!"
And he's gone.
The second man says "I want to go home too!"
And he's gone too.
And the third man looks around. He sees he's alone.
"I feel alone already. I want them back!"


Hahaha classic but always makes me laugh tounge1

#151:  Author: Don Anonymus PostPosted: Thu 05 Aug, 2010
    ----
Funny one grin1



PS: Omg, 11 pages eek2 Someone should make part III - I guess a mod could.

<mod>The topic will be split to create part III once it has 12 pages or more. moogle </mod>

Oh... sorry. I taught when it has 10 pages or more


Last edited by Don Anonymus on Thu 05 Aug, 2010; edited 1 time in total

#152:  Author: Mew151 PostPosted: Thu 05 Aug, 2010
    ----
An Irish man walks out of a bar.

#153:  Author: Don Anonymus PostPosted: Wed 11 Aug, 2010
    ----
Very good one grin1


#154:  Author: Mew151 PostPosted: Thu 12 Aug, 2010
    ----
What is purple, has four eyes, and eats people?
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#155:  Author: Don Anonymus PostPosted: Wed 18 Aug, 2010
    ----
And another one ^^


#156:  Author: Don Anonymus PostPosted: Sat 28 Aug, 2010
    ----
And another one ^^


#157:  Author: Don Anonymus PostPosted: Sat 28 Aug, 2010
    ----
The wheel needs to be very large to get to do this, doesn't it ? neutral


#158:  Author: Polga PostPosted: Sun 19 Sep, 2010
    ----
Two old ladies are talking.
Old Lady 1 : Did I tell you my husband just died last week ?
Old lady 2 : Oh my god, what happened ?
Old Lady 1 : I asked him to take some vegetables in the garden for diner. He went there and dies of a heart attack.
Old Lady 2 : Oh ... and what did you do ?
Old Lady 1 : I made pasta

#159:  Author: Mew151 PostPosted: Fri 24 Sep, 2010
    ----
What's the difference between a snail and puberty?
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)

#160:  Author: Don Anonymus PostPosted: Fri 24 Dec, 2010
    ----
To keep the Christmas spirit ^^


#161:  Author: moogle PostPosted: Wed 25 Jan, 2012
    ----
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: ...

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT ABBO...TT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows..
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with? ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later) ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

#162:  Author: Nicklebrick PostPosted: Fri 24 Feb, 2012
    ----
I bet i can make you read this twice.

^ you just read that wrong ^

#163:  Author: Kevs PostPosted: Mon 22 Oct, 2012
    ----
Brunette: I’ll be the first brunette to step on Mars.
Ginger:And I’ll be the first ginger to step on Venus.
Blonde: Well, I’ll be the first blonde to step on the sun!!! :3
.
.
.
Brunette: but.. you’ll be burn! whatsthat
Blondee: Don’t be stupid, I’ll go there by night! >.<

Blonde girl is <mod>Link removed. mattias</mod>

#164:  Author: BinauralBeats PostPosted: Wed 23 Jul, 2014
    ----
Petter wrote:
Heard of the two musicians and the drummer who walked into a bar ?

Any drummers here ?


I know this is like 10 years old, but I love it!



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