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the BIG Jokes topic Part II

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The HB
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PostPosted: Sun 05 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

Joke 1

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

Joke 2

An unmarried woman is newly pregnant and gets into an auto accident. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for nine months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby.

Her doctor is called in and gives her a mild sedative, then he sits down to answer her questions. "I'm so happy to see you recovering", he says. The woman responds, "Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right?" He replies, "Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure."

"In fact," he goes on, "you've given birth to twins - a boy and a girl". The woman is very happy and asks when she can see her new babies. The doctor replies, "Right away, but we've already sent the infants home with your brother. We'll call and tell him you're okay. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names."

At this point, the woman gets upset, "Doctor, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl?" The doctor answered that her name was Denise. "Oh, Denise, that's not so bad. What name did he give my boy?" The doctor answered, "Denephew".

Joke 3

How many military information officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next question, please.

Joke 4

A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours.
Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine."
A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours."
Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt."
The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"

Joke 5

It's the close of the day. The job is done. The farmer is thanking the ploughman and paying him for the work. "It's a fine job. Except I can't help noticing that you missed a little patch by the hedge here."
The ploughman looks contrite. "I know he said. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't bring myself to plough over that small patch of grass." There is a tear in the ploughman's eye. "It is the place where I first ever made love."
The farmer is moved. "That's a lovely story, I had no idea you were so romantic." And then, reluctantly, "But you missed another little patch under the tree over there."
"Ah." The ploughmans eyes are misty as he recalls the event. "That's where her mother sat and watched us."
"Sat and watched you! Good God man, what did she say?"
"Baa."



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The HB
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PostPosted: Sat 11 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

The Bartender and The Pirate

One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?"

The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol' shark came up to me while I was swimmin' and bit off me leg."

Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?"

The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone."

The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?"

The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye."

The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?"

The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."



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Sonia
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PostPosted: Sat 11 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

Here's one:

A dylsexic man walks into a bra...


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Fwump38
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PostPosted: Sun 12 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

I have one:

This guy walks into a restraunt with a full grown ostricht and sits down and the waitress asks what he wants. he says he wants a hamburger with frys and a coke. then the waitress asks the ostricht what it wants and it replies, "I'll have the same". The waitress says that it will be $9.40 and the man reaches in his pocket and pulls out exact change. The man comes in with his ostricht the next day and does the exact same. After awhile this becomes routine and so one friday the man walks in and the waitress asks if he wants the usual, and the man responds, "No it's friday, I'll have a steak and a baked potatoe", and she asks the ostricht, and it says "I'll hav the same". The waitress responds, that it will be $32.60 and the man again, pulls out exact change. Curious, the waitress asks, "How do you pull out exact change every time, and whats with the ostricht?" The man says, "I found a magic lamp and got two wishes. One was to pull out exact change every time I bought something." The waitress says, wow that’s pretty neat, most people would wish for a million dollars, but you will always have money, whether it’s a hamburger, or a jaguar, you will have exact change. Then the waitress asked, "But what was your second wish?" And the man replies, for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.
lach2


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Fiver
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PostPosted: Sun 12 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

OK, this was Charlie Chaplin's favorite joke:
A man walked into a baker's shop and asked if the baker could bake him a sweet roll in the shape of the letter "e". The baker says he can, and to come back the next day.
The man does come back, and the baker shows him the "E". "Oh, but this is a capital "E". I'm sorry, I need lower case." The baker says to come back the next day and then the "e" would be ready.
The man does come in the next day, and the baker shows him the "e". "Do you want me to put this in a package for you?" asks the baker. "No, I'll just eat it here." Replies the man.


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somerandomguy
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PostPosted: Sun 12 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

HebrewB wrote:
Joke 1

It's the close of the day. The job is done. The farmer is thanking the ploughman and paying him for the work. "It's a fine job. Except I can't help noticing that you missed a little patch by the hedge here."
The ploughman looks contrite. "I know he said. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't bring myself to plough over that small patch of grass." There is a tear in the ploughman's eye. "It is the place where I first ever made love."
The farmer is moved. "That's a lovely story, I had no idea you were so romantic." And then, reluctantly, "But you missed another little patch under the tree over there."
"Ah." The ploughmans eyes are misty as he recalls the event. "That's where her mother sat and watched us."
"Sat and watched you! Good God man, what did she say?"
"Baa."

oh my god thats rank! lach2
not sure wether i should laugh or go yak in the sink eek2


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The HB
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PostPosted: Mon 13 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

laugh, SRZ... LAUGH!


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butterflydreamer
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the french!
PostPosted: Tue 28 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

why do French tanks have 5 gears in reverse and one forward?

Just incase someone attacks from the rear!


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The HB
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PostPosted: Thu 30 Mar, 2006  Reply with quote

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."



Another one...

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show
was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any
fun any more. For $5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled
her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through
the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud
applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."


Another...

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, "That`s the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he shouldn't say things to insult passengers. He could be fired for that."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!"

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."


Yet another...

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming goes into The doctor's office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes Back and says, "I'm not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."
The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"
The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape nuts cereal... and top it off with a gallon of prunejuice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"
"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your *** is for."



And another... tell me if i did too much...

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?"
"I'm from Dublin" came the reply.
"Me too! What street do you live on?"
"McCarthy street"
The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?"
"162" the first man replies.
"Me too! What are your parents names?"
"Connor and Shannon"
The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?"
"Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."



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The HB
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PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006  Reply with quote

TO: All Employees

From: Management

Subject: Special High Intensity Training

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees welltrained through our progrom of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List. (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T.jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director Of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).


Thank you,

Boss In General, Special High Intensity Training (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)



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The HB
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PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006  Reply with quote

VERY IMPORTANT NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES

Company Policy: Effective from April 1st 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you can buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctors, you are able to come to work.

Annual Leave Days
Each employee will receive 104 annual leave days per year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
There is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee's involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch break and subsequently leave 30 minutes early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in stalls. At the end of the three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company intranet under the Chronic Offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people will be allowed 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management



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Qu
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PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006  Reply with quote

lach2 Love it ^^

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Cid Silverwing
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PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006  Reply with quote

Man, I laughed my *** off on that S.H.I.T joke! <insert rofl spam here>

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The HB
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PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006  Reply with quote

Well, even a joke that is S.H.I.T. or about S.H.I.T. Can get people laughing like S.H.I.T.


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PostPosted: Sat 01 Apr, 2006  Reply with quote

Looks so much like real! lach2

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