The Legend Of Circon

This is the book/story I am currently working on

Prologue

In the beginning of the world the people lived in peace and tranquility was everywhere. But there came a day when one of the protectors of the earth or elementals forged an object to give to the humans that would aid them in the world. The gift the elemental was going to give them was fire. So the fire elemental, who was infinitely kind decided to give them the power of fire by forging an orb. He started with a grain of sand and loving began rolling in is his hands. As he did, being that he was the master of Fire the sand expanded and became a glass orb. Now the sand he has was no ordinary grain because when made into glass it became indestructible. After forging the glass orb he concentrated his Fire strength on the orb and it became a seething ball of fire within. The orb possessed enormous power. In fact the orbs power was so great that with it one elemental could conquer the others. The orb was not yet ready to be given to humans, for if it was it would incinerate them. In order to get rid of this the Fire elemental did great works with it and told it this is what humans shall do with you. As it happened, the Fire elementals brother, or elemental of night, greatly desired the power of this orb. This obsessive desire sowed dissension between the two brothers. One day the Night elemental came and asked if he could look at the orb. The elemental of Fire expecting nothing let him hold it. Because the night and Fire elementals were brothers the orb did not harm the night elemental. Immediately after receiving the orb the night elemental fled to his own floating place. He than called to his brother saying “You old twit, you’ve just given me power over all things.” The next day the Night elemental went to crush his brother. He raised the orb up an ordered it to annihilate his brother. When the orb felt what it was ordered to destroy it became furious. The Night elemental tried to stop the orb but could not. The full force of the orb blasted out toward the fire elemental but then turned on him. He screamed and tried to put out the fire but could not. His brother snatched the orb away from him, but being that he was kind put out the fire. He then spoke severely to his brother saying, you have disobeyed the rules and must be thrown onto the Earth forever. There you will no longer have godly power, but power you will still posses. Then the Fire elemental called to the others and said “The Night elemental has attempted to destroy and conquer us. The alleged code states that he will be thrown out. Do you think we should cast him down?” “Yes,” The others shouted in unison. “Then let it be done,” roared the Fire elemental. He paused and then roared “We the elementals have chosen to cast you down O night elemental, for your attempts to conquer us and ruin peace. Let it be known that because you will no longer be the Night elemental, you shall have a new name, and that name shall be Agniam, for the darkness you have caused to happen. With a great roar the elementals unleashed the fire orb upon Agniam and he was blasted down onto the Earth. During his decent the fires horribly mutilated him and he swore vengeance on his brothers. After Agniam reached the earth, the elementals through the Fire Orb down to the earth, so that the humans might have some way to protect themselves from the horror of Agniam. But because the Orb had been used in an improper fashion it would only accept a master of pure heart. For the Orb had hardened itself against all things that lived. If anyone else dared touch it they would burn up and abolished directly into hell.

Chapter 1
A Legend Is Born

Outside the wind shrieked, thunder cracked and the rain pounded. A lighting bolt flashed through the sky illuminated two silhouettes. If at that moment somebody would have seen them they would have called in and reported two Mafia men brewing schemes. Suddenly a crack of thunder seared through and brought the men back to reality.” He was good” Jared commented. Good beyond belief. I knew him well. It’s a shame he finally passed away. The whole universe will mourn for his death. Who knows, maybe now that he is gone the universe will soon fall into chaos. I think he was one of the few things that kept this universe in good order. “Why do you have to start every conversation off like this” Reverend roared. “Every time we have a conversation you always start by talking and praising Circon” Reverend held the name out in a long and whiney tone. “What makes him so damn special? Was he a savior, maybe he was just in the right place at the right time, or perhaps you just like patheti,” Another loud crack of thunder burst threw the air. “You see” commented Jared. “Circon’s not one for being insulted. “Now look here Jared, do you honestly expect me to think some dead ghost caused that thunder to stop my insult?” “Yes” Jared replied confidently. “I could hardly imagine a man of that strength reduced to nothing by something as simple as death.” “Listen, I don’t have time to spare for anyone as mad as you.” Reverend replied angrily. “Reverend, please, listen, I’ll tell you about” No you won’t because I’m going now.” Replied Reverend curtly. “No Reverend, I insist you stay” Jared replied. Now as Jared was making his final remarks he had secretly grabbed his 45 caliber pistol of the shelf behind him. “Oh and are you going to make me” came Reverend’s haughty reply. The next second Jared had the 45 weapon at Reverend’s head. “You’re going to listen to what I have to tell you about Circon,” roared Jared. “Alrighty then I guess I will listen to what you have to say about Circon” Reverend said nervously. “Good, I’m glad you had a sudden opinion change” Jared smirked. Both guests sat at down in comfy leisurely chairs. “Now it all began over 56 billion years in the past.”

“What a great summer day” thought Roland. A voice brought him back to his senses. “Your lordship, do you desire anything at all, happily will I bring you anything you require” “I don’t need anything now friend Pang. But as a servant you have been one of the best, no, not one of the best, the best. As a reward for these many years of supreme service I give you this.” Lord Roland tossed a coin at Pang. The glimmering coin flew through the air and Pang caught it with perfection. Pang had learned this art from one of the servants so he could entertain at banquets. Pang glanced down at the coin and swooned. “Your Lordship, I must have been given the wrong thing. This coin is enough for a war trained stallion and two years food supply.” “Believe me Pang, I am well aware of this,” replied Roland. “Think nothing of it.” “How can you expect me to do that?” Pang replied. “Also as a reward for supreme service I release you from my side and grant you your life to do with as you will.” “I, I, I’ll never be able to thank you for this enough kind Roland” Pang stuttered. “I guess I’ll be taking leave of you now”. Pang shot off like an arrow of a longbow. “Hmm I can’t say I’ve ever seen Pang run like that before. What on earth did you do to him Roland” “It is good to see you again friend Arthur,” replied Roland. “You’ve been gone so long I’d almost forgotten you.” “Say how long have you been gone.” “Just 10 short years, I finally returned because I realized the hopelessness of our cause. Nobody or no thing will ever defeat Agniam. Nobody. Not a chance in the world. That thing, that Agniam. Every bend we came around every ambush placed his soldiers were ready and drove us back. Eventually Agniam himself came 3 million men fell in just one blow. Our original commander, King Pythas he rode out to meet him. The man didn’t even get within 100 feet. A blast of energy scattered him to the four winds. The men’s fighting spirit was instantly crushed. 1 billion men. My company of 5 hundred was all that remained after the campaign. If Agniam moves everything in his path will fall.” “What makes you so sure of this,” Roland questioned. “Three reasons, the first reason is that Agniam posses 3 billion soldiers that fight as if every battle is a battle for life and death. Secondly there’s Agniam himself. A sorcerer whose power makes old Zambod look like a pathetic rag doll against the fires of hell themselves. The spells he has. Some wipes out millions at a time, others wreak despair, and still more have effects such as causing pain so horrible anyone will talk. Finally his very name rips the spirit of men out and his supernatural servants just leech up the fear and just became more of a menace. The cause is hopeless. Because of this my days are numbered. I will surely die within the month. Already my sickness slashes tears into my heart and drains the very lifeblood from me. But do not grieve for me friend. I’ve had a good life and done most things. 108 years is a good long life.” “Do not worry my good friend. I shall not grieve for you.” Although he said these things Roland wept inwardly. I must take leave of you now friend Roland” “Do as you will friend” replied Roland. Roland did not sleep that night. Terrible dreams plagued him. Every time he saw something sucking the existence out of Arthur. Late that night a messenger brought tidings of the death of Arthur. Upon hearing this the Lord Roland shrieked and fell into a swoon. A great illness came over him and no physician could treat it. As he lay there dark thoughts began to pop into his head. “Who knows, perhaps I shall not even live to see the birth of my child,” Thought Roland. “No, NO, I mustn’t think such horrible thoughts. If I do they must certainly come true. Now seven months ago, Roland’s son had been conceived. They decided to name him Circon, after the founder of their castle and style of reign which was known as the Chi Sun, or Dancing Dragon. Upon hearing of Roland’s illness, his wife had constantly sat by his bed reassuring him he would be just fine. For three days Roland’s wife who was known as the Lady Chi had not eaten a morsel or left his bedside. The one known as the lady Chi was an incredible woman. She was an accomplished archer, a cook equal to any of the chefs of Roland’s, a sly talker and beautiful beyond men’s most wildest dreams. Her fairness was a major topic and often spoken of in the land. Because of this many people envied Roland for his wife. In fact he had just barley survived two attempts at assassination due to jealousy. These recent attempts and the death of Arthur had led up to his illness. Eventually Roland commented “You must leave my beside lest the baby die from starvation.” “Do you honestly expect me to leave my sick husbands side” Chi snapped. “Fine, if you will not leave then the servants shall bring you food.” “That would be well,” Chi replied. Several days went by without any signs of recovery. The next day Roland’s illness took a turn for the worse. He would suddenly have convulsions and chills wracked his helpless body. In her heart the Lady Chi grew fearful for her husband’s death. She did not believe she could bare the pain of losing her husband. It happened that two days later a man dressed in robes looking like a beggar came and asked for a small bit of food for a helpless traveler in need. When the Lady Chi heard of this not only did she give him a banquet she clothed him and gave him a spacious room. The Lady Chi being a good host went in and chatted with their guest. Eventually the topic of her husband came up. “So my fair lady, where is your husband. Surely you are not pregnant and commander of the castle as a single.” “You’re right, I have a husband but he’s grievously ill.” “What symptoms does he have” questioned the beggar. “Chills, convulsions, throwing up blood and delirium are Roland’s symptoms.” “Hmm, this can only be estitide poisoning. I know how to treat it and could heal him if you brought my medical bag.” The Lady Chi being desperate for her husband to live quickly asked where the bag is. “My lady, it is the bag into which you put the coin.” “Thank you err, err “My name is Bartisthumus. Call me Bart for short “Well thank you for your help Bart.” “Think nothing of it,” came Bart ‘humble reply. The Lady Chi hustled off and grabbed the bag. She returned moments later with the bag. Bart went to Roland’s chamber with the Lady Chi as his escort. Upon arrival Bart whipped out his medical bag and mixed some very sickening ingredients together. He took out a needle and prepared to inject the serum into Roland. “NO,” the Lady Chi shrieked “I won’t let you kill him with that.” She ran across the room at Bart. Bart had only one choice. He jumped out of the way and as he jumped Bart injected the serum into Roland. The Lady Chi shrieked and fell to her knees. Almost immediately Roland’s eyes flickered open. “Hello you two,” he said with a grin. “I sure am feeling better all of a sudden. I think I shall run across the castle.” “No, No you mustn’t do that,” Bart replied. “You may not feel like it but that poison is still in you. If you go anywhere before 12 days are up you’ll will most surely die.” “After all when you are poisoned by Agniam it doesn’t go away easily.” “Wait a second, how could Agniam have poisoned me, I never even got close to him.” “Agniam can unleash deadly poison into the air at whim.” “But you will be well if you rest for 12 days. Regardless I must by going.” With a flick of his wrist Bart disappeared. “Bartisthumus was a Taah magician” Roland commented. “I am so glad you’re alright. I don’t think I could have gone on without you Roland.” “Oh well, I am better now.” “Yes indeed, my husband you will live.” As the week went by Roland improved at a stead pace. By the end of Day 7 he had regained all of his energy. It seemed to take forever for Roland but eventually the twelve days passed. Just three days afterward Roland’s recovery there came an edict from the king. It read “To My Loyal Servant Lord Roland,
It is my command that you come aid me in my campaign. I have amassed an army of one billion soldiers. We will be going to war to weed out this Agniam. I insist that you aid me on this campaign. Failure to do so will result in destruction of your castle and extermination of your family line.” “It looks as if I have little choice in the matter I shall leave at evening tomorrow night.” Upon hearing this Lady Chi wept and cursed the king for his madness. Roland tried to comfort her but she would hear none of it. Eventually it came time for Roland to leave for the King’s army. Their goodbye was said as if Roland was leaving for good. For indeed neither thought he would return. “Don your armor, we ride in one hour.” “Many of the men complained but Roland would only reply “King’s orders, we have no choice in the matter.” An hour later one hundred thousand soldiers rode out the gate of Roland’s castle. “Ride hard Dancing Shadow” Roland said to his horse. Soon afterward Roland’s army was one the rode. The army would be doing hard riding for 6 days if they wanted to reach the King’s deadline. “Lu, Akion, front and center,” Roland shouted to his captains. They galloped forward to his call. Lu, your mission is to keep the men under control, Akion you keep the moral up and give them training where needed. “Yes, Commander.” They replied in unison. Although they were good friends at home all formalities were to be observed in front of the king. Six days later they reached the Kings Palace. The King upon hearing of their arrival rode out to meet them, “Hail Lord Roland,” the king cried. “Hail Son of Heaven,” Roland cried back. “I am glad that you decided to obey my summons. With the addition of your army we will surely overcome Agniam. “Yes we shall,” Roland commented, though in his heart he did not believe this to be so. “Our armies will march in two days time. You should have your army marching and fighting fit by noon two days from now. Failure to comply will result in removal from campaign and punishments carried out.” Later that night Roland went into the King’s tent to talk. “You’re majesty this is absurd. You want my armies ready in two days when they are already wearied from a long brutal march.” “They will be ready in two days. I believe this order was give earlier.” “God dammit,” Roland roared.” What in hell’s name are you trying to do. I suppose you’re trying to kill my armies’ moral before we even face Agniam.” As he spoke the Kings eyes filled with a burning wrath. “Now listen here son” the King shouted with rage. “I gave you orders, and I do not expect my orders to be disputed by some goddamn rambunctious young captain that knows nothing about the fine art of war.” “You just wait,” Roland muttered under his breath. “We’ll all die before we get within 10,000 leagues of Agniam’s castle. “I believe my orders were for you to retire.” Replied the king curtly. With out a glance back Roland walked out. He retired to his cabin muttering about the foolishness of the King and how all of them would soon cease to exist. His sleep that night was fitful plagued by the ludicrously of the king and the terror of their inevitable defeat. Now Agniam had learned of the plans against him and was already fully prepared. “The fools actually think they could crush I, the great and terrible Agniam. What idiots, they come running to defeat me and several days later their running for their lives.” “Indeed my lord, victory for us is inevitable.” “Did I give you permission to speak,” came the furious reply as he rounded on the unfortunate speaker.” “You know full well the punishment.” Agniam lifted a finger and with a great cry roared “Serracto,” as he said this dark purple energy blasted from his hand and struck the victim. “No, Great Lord Agniam, please, make it stooooooooop, please, please, have mercy me,” he said between sobs and pain spasms “I’ll do anything , I swea,” he was cut short as the full force of the pain kicked in and the spasms of pain wracked his body as he fell to the floor in unimaginable pain. Agniam looked on for a second, sat back and cackled.

Chapter 2
The Evil One Conquers

“All armies we leave in three hours. You are to make final goodbyes and preparations now. The messengers of the King constantly ran to and fro shouting orders. Roland made wrote a final to his wife and prepared for what he was sure was to be certain doom. Several hours later the army of one billion was on its way to crush Agniam once and for all. “Many groans and complaints were made by the soldiers. Eventually the King created an edict saying that if any complaints were made he would put the soldiers to death. As part of this any man who turned in a complainer would receive 3 sitva. Now the money system in the Kingdom of Pane worked like this. The basic monetary unit was a ciricca. There were 25 ciriccas in one dervine 18 dervines in a sitva 25 sitva in the uptarian dollar 50 uptarian dollars in the pence and 34 pences in a rezori. Five ciricca could buy a person something the equivalent of a candy bar .The average person could retire on three to five rezori. The reward opportunity caused the men to shut up for fear of being turned in by there fellow soldiers. As the march went on the land grew gloomier and gloomier. Ugly trees dead of intoxication were scattered across the black landscape. Ugly yellowish-black toxic swamps dotted the landscapes. The smell was nauseating and carried deadly diseases that killed men by the thousands. As if that wasn’t bad enough the ground would give way or men would fall into acidic quicksand. Just a few days into the poison swamp fields an even greater terror set in. There was nothing clean here and the water supplied was already low. There was no end to the barren landscape anywhere on the horizon. They would fight for survival at every step they went. In three days an end was seen with rich green fields and a lush stream. A great shout of joy rang out from the men and many began to run forward. As they did the ground gave way and they were sucked into the ground. The King estimated there would be three more days of marching to reach the lush pastures. Those three days proved to be the worst imaginable. During the day searing temperatures made their armor so hot it burned their skin and the nights were icy cold and savage wind cut deep into their bones. Eventually they reached the great pastures. In all they had lost one-fifth of the army. Upon arrival their moral soared. They found the pasture was warm and inviting. Every man rushed forward to lie in the grass or drink from the stream. They let a little water trickle down there throat but and for some reason started coughing and spitting out water. “Oh god, this water is just foul. “Something isn’t right here.” They commented. Almost immediately they found themselves once more on the terrible barren landscape. They looked around saw there facing them Agniam and all his terrible of armies. The moral of the men deflated like a popped balloon. Many turned and ran the other direction. “I knew you would fall into my trap,”Agniam chuckled. “The poison swamp fields are no place for a king to play. It won’t belong before your all dead. After saying this a small skirmish began. Suddenly Agniam gave the order to flee. Agniam’s army rode on as if desperately trying to escape the King. The king’s men rode on in hot pursuit for 50 miles. Whereupon they came to a large shallow river. Agniam crossed and shouted “Come get me if you dare you pathetic coward.” The king became filled with rage ordered his men to cross. As the army was crossing the heard a terrible rumbling sound. The sound triggered a horror that they couldn’t comprehend. At this horror they turned to flee and began trampling each other. The men got nowhere and suddenly out of nowhere a fifty foot wall of water came cascading down the river. The men were crushed and swept downriver. Now what had happened was this. Agniam had used an illusion of a relaxing spot to raise the King’s armies moral. But then by taking it away he crushed there moral. He had than began a short battle and decided to have his army pretended to retreat. He led them to a river, whereon his army crossed. After crossing the Kings army followed and Agniam used a spell to bring Ocean Water into the river and send it cascading downward. Roland who had been part of the river crossing party did not turn to flee bur went onward. But it was to be of no avail. Within seconds the wall of water smashed him into rock and he blanked out. Roland awoke two hours later to find himself in the riverbed just two miles from his castle. He had many bruises on his body but miraculously no broken bone or major injuries. Several hours of painful walking brought him to the castle. The gate guards were rather surprised at seeing him. They quickly opened the gates and led him to his chamber. He collapsed onto his bed and slept for two straight days. He woke up with his wife sitting next to him holding a strange bundle. “What is that in your arms,” he said groggily. “You are funny; it’s our son Circon of course. A great spasm of joy went through Roland’s body despite the looming terror of Agniam’s advance toward his castle. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be here for his birth.” Roland replied “I understand Roland; you didn’t have a choice in the matter. Now I would say considering your back alive I take it the expedition was quite successful. “I truly wish it were so. Almost every man from our side is dead and Agniam is marching with his terrible army towards this castle. We have probably about a year to live, so I daresay we should make the most of it.” A year went by and Circon grew up very tall and healthy. Even at one year he’s already two feet tall. The parents of Circon were very happy, but also deeply saddened knowing that they had but a few months left to live. Soon the messages of Agniam’s coming came in by the thousands. Roland now had to make a decision. Would he retreat to save his family but be shamed for life or would he lose his family and die a hero. It did not take long to decide. “Chi, we will flee from Agniam and head to a place far from his path of conquest.” “How dare you say such things?” Chi yelled. “If I have to I’ll take up your sword and fight. Besides if we retreat Agniam will eventually find us. I am shamed even to hear you talk thus.” “I see my faults Chi, I am deeply sorry.” “That’s the man I married,” replied Chi. Within two weeks Agniam’s forces could be seen on the horizon. “I will say goodbye to you now Chi, for I know not what will happen once Agniam reached the castle. Before long Agniam’s frontal attack force of 50 legions was at the gate. Roland’s castle was utterly surrounded. Now supplies could get in or out. Roland was cut off from everything. All the castle had left was a week of water and three months of food left. During the week the rest of Agniam’s army arrived. “One pitiful castle with a week of supplies left, surrounded by three billion war toughened soldiers.” Agniam commented to his captains upon arrival. “Will you not surrender, Roland. Your chances of winning are nothing.” “I’d never surrender to a pig like you Agniam.” These words filled Agniam with rage and he promised to torture Roland’s family to death. At the end of the week Agniam’s forces finally broke through the wall. Agniam was the first to enter. Every man he met he killed and unleashed unspeakable horror on. He soon found his way to Chi’s chamber. Upon reaching it he laughed and said “You refused to surrender foolish women. This is your last chance. Will you or will you not surrender. “Agniam you bastard, how dare you try and get me to defect. I will stand by my husband’s words.” Chi replied angrily. This infuriated Agniam. He took one stride toward her and picked her up of the ground. “So, you will not submit eh. It looks like all have to show you submission.” He chained Chi to the wall. Agniam then proceeded to begin a curse. As the curse began the Lady Chi began to decay. “I thought you’d like living through death,” he commented dryly. Chi screamed constantly as her death happened. After a mater of minutes there was just a decayed skeleton on the wall. “Stupid hag, you thought you could take on I, the Great Agniam.” “Now where is that damn boy?” When he said this he heard something crying. “There you are.” said Agniam to Circon. He picked Circon up and was just about to leave when Roland burst in. “Agniam, you little bastard,” Roland said between sobs. “I’ll kill you if it’s the last thing I do.” Roland rushed at Agniam with all his strength. As he did Agniam slowly pulled out his sword. “Roland you fool,” Agniam chuckled. As he did he slashed Roland with his sword and knocked him against the wall. As Agniam was leaving with Circon Roland got up and walked painfully onto the ramparts of his castle. He went to one of his archers and cut him down. After doing that he grabbed his Longbow. He carefully fitted an arrow and let it fly. “Eat this Agniam.” The arrow hit Agniam and sunk deep into his back. “Ahhh,” Agniam screamed. The force of the arrow dislodged Circon from his arms and he was left alone in the forest. Agniam wheeled his mount around and round up the ramparts at Roland. Roland tried to defend but was to weak to do so. Agniam cut him in half and mutilated the body. “Did you honestly think I’d die that easily Roland,” Shouted Agniam to the dead body. Everybody in Roland’s castle was slaughtered and Agniam laid ruin to the castle. Circon was left to fend for himself in the wild as a toddler.

Chapter 3
The Rise of A Legend

Luckily for Circon he was picked up by another noble a few days later who was on a hunting expedition. He took him home to his wife and they treated him as their own for they had never been able to have kids. They taught Circon many things, such as how to hunt and ride a horse, but he would not teach Circon any war arts no matter how hard he begged. His reason for that was this, he feared that if he taught Circon war arts he would leave him and join an army. Being that Circon was the only kid he could have he did not want him leaving. Several years passed and Circon grew tall. At the age of nine he was already five and a half feet and had a manly look about him. There came one day ill news. The son of King Pythas, King Regorace, had ascended the throne. Regorace was a savage man, who took people to be slaves and marched his army with whips and terrible things. The part that made the news even worse was that Regorace and Lord Tynian had had a savage quarrel a few years back and had battled it in court. By a stroke of luck Tynian had won and this had added fuel to Regorace’s fire and made him swear vengeance. Regorace was not the type of man who forgot insults. Inevitably the news came that Regorace was coming to put everyone who served Tynian into slavery. This news caused everyone to dessert his service. Soon after Regorace arrived and quickly took the defenseless castle. Having done this he put Tynian, has wife and Circon into bounds and took them back to his castle. Tynian was put to pull wagons even though there were oxen to do it. Regorace made Tynian’s wife his person slave who he abused often. Regorace knew Circon was not of Tynian’s family, but despite this he forced Circon to work in his fields. Circon being just a young boy hated the work and often talked of killing Regorace. The men in the fields said that he had better not let the slave master’s here this talk or the king would give him 250 lashings with a course rope. This did not make the ten year old stop; in fact he talked more and more of what a bastard that Regorace was. One day a slave master with an extreme dislike for Circon’s never give up attitude overheard Circon saying insults about the King. He told the King what Circon had done but exaggerated it greatly. This outraged Regorace and he ordered Circon to 500 lashings, a day in the stocks and two days without food or water. Circon accepted the punishment but hated the King even more. Finally the day of the lashings came. They chained Circon up to a post and slapped him around before the whipping. Suddenly, Crack, went the whip. The slash cut Circon’s skin and agony seared through it. Crack it went again, and again, and again for 500 times. On the third to last lashing the whip master missed slightly and slashed his eye. Circon saw this coming and closed his eye in the nick of time. But forever would he have a scar going across his face through his eye. After being whipped he was forced to go in the fields and work. He could easily have collapsed but his determination got him trough working as hard as anyone else. The next two punishments didn’t really faze him at all. But from that moment on he began to plot revenge. His work hours in the fields went from two hours before sunrise to sundown. After the final sundown of his punishments he broke off a branch from a nearby Oak tree and went to his tent. For two hours after his slavery worked he would carve his stick. The strain of all this work gave him bloodshot eyes and many slaves anted him to rest but he refused. After three months his work was completed. It was a fine wooden sword as strong and sharp as any metal one. For five hours after each day he would train with his sword. He learned quickly, and soon became a skilled swordsman. He used the style of swordsmanship that Tynian had used known as the Kempo Reushin.

I know the dialogue isn’t the best yet but I will improve that. ANy questions, comments advice etc, would be appriciated.

Thank You!

I haven’t managed to read it all yet, but the bit I’ve read is very good. :smile:

I haven’t read it yet (reading on a laptop late at night strains my eyes) but from what I can tell you could use a couple more paragraphs. No, you don’t need to write anything else just split it up. Its a little . . . scary right now.

Six, I think I counted only six paragraphs in that monster.

When I get a little better lighting and some time. I promise to read it. Until then, I leave you with this:
Paragraphs and indenting are your friends. :cool:

Yes, I am currently working on editing it now. It will hopefully be finished in about a week or two. My plan is to write two chapters and then edit it, etc.

I read chapter 1 so far, i like it. I hope you continue writing this story cause I’m going to want to read the whole thing.

only typos i found are…

In fact he had just barley survived two attempts

Bart had only one choice. He jumped out of the way and as he jumped Bart injected the serum into Roland (sounds redundent, maybe change to he)

Roland’s army was one the rode

and also, the part at the begginning, with the 45, some people reading might not really know what a 45 is, it might be a good idea to first say like, he picked up the gun, the 45 caliber pistol. Know what i mean?

Just advice, it’s your story, don’t change anything if you like it better your way.

Arite i finished reading the rest so far and only found a couple things…

Now supplies could get in or out. (no?)

It looks like all have to show you submission (I’ll?)

Can’t wait for more, this is really good so far, you should actually publish it and such.

I am thinking about publishing it at some point. I will work on the story aqs much as I can though I am quite busy now.

Thanx for the suggestions :content: