Lack of confidence and shyness

You would be suprised how many people are affected by this. I am one who is myself, just not on the net :wink: does anyone else have this problem, mainly at high school. Its like a girl comes up to me and says hi and all but i dont talk much since i am too shy, and if i like someone i will not talk to them at all, infact if they go one way i will go the other, if they look up i will look down(This only applies to the opposite sex, females for me.) . It seems like its stupid, but its just my behaviour i keep thinking negative things. I have become so attached to spending a while infront of the mirror making my hair look good its not funny. I am too scared of too many stupid things. Could someone share with me their experiences, or tell me if they have the same thing happen to them or if they had it but got over it :confused: thanks.

heh, i’m that way. i wish there was an anti-shyness technique i could recommend, but the only thing i’ve come up w/ so far is forcing myself to talk to a particularly attractive female every now and then. i usually end up making a fool out of myself (or maybe that’s just in my head) but i’m starting to get better.

as an example i was getting off the bus the other day and this CUTE girl who i had been staring at w/o trying to be too obvious the whole way to my apartment. she walked behind me from the bus stop for a ways and i didn’t even turn around and say hi. i was too scared i’d blank on something else to say and then we’d be walking with that uncomfortable silence thing going on for a blook or two shrug

I used to be really shy too. i’m not very not shy now, but i’m a lot better. sometimes i’ll go up to girls i like and talk to them, or sometimes i just like work up my adrenaline and then put on like a show for everyone even though i know i’m making an ass out of myself, it’ll get them to notice you and maybe they’ll talk to you…once the talking has commenced then i’m fine it’s just usually starting it that’s the problem. There’s no use in being shy in life, all it’s gonna get you is a good look at people’s backs. :grin:

i too used to be very shy and in one-on-one encounters (particularly with females) i still am.

School was the worst because there was no reason to really get close to them so if for what ever reason, they approach me i found it difficult to maintain eyecontact. There was this one girl who acctually liked the fact i was shy - but it’s probably best i don’t go into that.

Once i left school however and started working, you end up alot closer to the opposite sex as you’re working side by side quite often. There really was no time to be shy about it and working really helped me get over it.

One on one with a girl i am still shy but i find it easier now and maintaining eyecontact isn’t a big struggle. Though i occationally giggle or can’t stop smiling when a girl i think is cute is talking to me.

so when you finally start working you will pretty much be forced out of shyness (sounds brutal hehehe)

Shyness is something that I believe is good to get over - being shy can cause you to miss a lot of opportunities in life. I’m taking a class right now in college called Musical Theatre. Getting up in front of strangers and having to sing/act a piece by yourself - at first it was very hard (uncontrollabe shaking and trembling voice :shy: ) but as the class has progressed, it gets easier and I find that my general level of shyness has decreased - not only on stage, but in normal life as well. I think once you get in front of people and have to sing on a stage, talking to people becomes a lot easier. So I would highly recommend taking a drama class or something that basically makes you get over your shyness. You’ll eventually realize it’s not hard, you just have to make the initial efforts.

As some people have guessed, I’m very shy. I’d almost say phobic. One on one I’m fine with girls, as long as they initiate. Asking them out is a whole other story/thread :bored: . You may want to look at these articles.

sharpman.com/Article.asp?ArticleID=128
sharpman.com/Article.asp?ArticleID=280

I sincerely think I’m a little less shy from reading the one on being charming. I got a geniune toothy smile from a cute jogger :grin: . Eye contact, smile, and say something nice. Most people that are willing to make eye contact in a large city respond well. Although surprising numbers of people will look down or away from anyone. My God, I’m a 17 kid wearing a bike helmet smiling at people on a bike path, does it sound like I’m gonna mug em :cool_laugh:

Thanks for that link Raging Canadian. it makes me feel better talking to other people about these things, because i can’t find anyone around my school with the same problem and if i did, i would NEVER talk to them :content: If a girl comes up to me to talk i say to myself, dont look like an idiot(repeat x 30) but i always end up looking like one, its like when i dont want to i do! ;/ Ok i have tried drama, but serisouly just to have the guts is impossible. I will try. But ahhh!!! I actually think this whole thing was initated at high school, in primary(I was at different primary in totally different state) i didnt care much at all, or not that much anyway. Let me tell you somthing… I like this girl i was in her class the year 8, and i didnt know if she really liked me, so i basically didnt talk to her once, literally the whole year!. Maybe once or twice but still. Every now and then i would smile at her. But it was nothing serious to her because she would tell her friends. Ehh now im in year 9, i serisouly dodge her, and she dodges me, i go one way she goes the other. I walk on one side of the corridor she moves to the other. So i guess i really stuffed up but i will try get some self esteem, it has to be there in me :content: hopefully my first lucid dream will help greatly. :confused: thankyou for listening guys. :content:

The exact same thing happened to me… Well, almost. Im my case, the girl was looking at me, and I, stupid I, kept trying to avoid her looks. Then I started blushing…

sighs

Has anyone ever tried singing(or talking) in front of a thousand people in a dream.I’m pretty shy as well and I think it would help in my next LD if I could do something like that.

I’ve done some stage stuff in NLDs. But yeah, practice this getting-over-your-shyness stuff in LDs. Once you realize in the LD that there is nothing to be afraid of, you’ll realize that IRL, there’s nothing to be afraid of either.

Life is a dream. :wink:

What if everyone were to boo you and through fruit. What if someone threw a pineapple and knocked you unconscious. What if all the rotting fruit piled up ontop of you while you were unconscious and you drowned in all the rotting fruit juice.

I’m a little afraid of that happening. It happened to friend of a friend of mine. :cool:

awww man, you shoulda been like “do you bone?” actually… i probably woulda done the same thing :neutral:

I am very happy to recognize my shyness is you all!!

Isn’t it interesting that these LD people seem to be really of one kind (many exceptions though) ? Maybe it is because we are too much turned to inside ourself (introvert) and into our own minds? (sorry bad english, dutch boy :smile: ) What’s the link between this shyness and the LD thing?

Interesting question!

JJJ

There is no nececarily valid link between LDers and shyness here, only a few people have actually posted on this topic, and there are probably millions of people who LD (somewhere i read all ppl can do it, so then there are 6 billion…). Another related question might be if some people who are behind a pc all day long might be too shy to go outside and live a “IRL” life…

Everyone who is not a jerk is moderately shy. I will tell you something; I used to play piano, and once I had a performance, I stepped up to the piano, in front of 100+ people, and started. In the middle I got obsessed by the fact that my shoe was slipping off the pedal, and suddenly I played horribly wrong, BOINGGG! I started from the beginning, but horror, upon reaching the same section for the second time, BONIGGG…, I beheld the notes, and in that instant they were pure nonsense. I had to step up and walk away in front of everyone. I have never been as humiliated in my life. After this I definitely became less shy.

Do what is good, in the future you will look back realising it was not all bad. I have made many mistakes, never telling a girl how I admire her and regretting it even 5 years later. Remember, never be afraid of telling your emotions, only a fool will ridicule you if you do it properly.

How to become self-confident? Try going out partying with strangers, but do NOT drink. Be yourself, the others who have had a few drinks will not judge you, and if they will, hey, they were drunk. Secondly, I suggest taking dancing lessons and going to role-playing conferences, no joke.

Best Wishes
joccis

Wow, it’s everywhere this shyness thing.

Just in case you think your bad, try searching for social anxiety on the internet.

hey that’s some nice advice joccis!
I used to play the piano too, and every time I played in front of an audience it felt terrible. I couldn’t distinguish the keys of the piano because every time I felt dizzy ! What worked for me (mostly in the exams) was convincing my teacher beforehand that I would play REALLY bad because “I am very very nervous and I can’t feel my hands” … When noone expects anything from you, you are free to give the best you can…
anyway.
I m a bit shy, too, although noone can tell really, because when I feel like that I just get very very serious and don’t talk at all. No blushes or anything… That way, I have left behind my a row of girls I liked and never asked them out (girls I knew that could be interested, not complete strangers that I saw on the street) …

Dancing lessons and role playing are two of the things I m thinking of taking up ,although I fear them both. I have been invited to join a role playing group (Vampire) but I felt intimidated because I know I suck big time when it comes to imagining things and acting out fantasies. So I know it would be good for me if I had the guts to go…

Partying, on the other hand, I just don’t like… I m the guy who sits in a corner and eats pizza alone, even if I am among people I relatively know !! (I wouldn’t even consider going to a party consisting of complete strangers)

and a comment on the line

That just isn’t valid. Half of the people that exist are Extroverted. Half of them (well much more than half, I m just trying not to exaggerate) actually like giving something out to people, it’s an opportunity to show their worth. I know for most introverts this is considered stupid show-off vanity, but hey, it’s a big percentage of the population, I don’t think we should believe we are in a position to judge, because that would make us “right” and that just doesn’t exist in these matters… (btw I used to hate Extroverted people, now I m trying to get accustomed to them and their “individuality” :smile: )
I have met really fat people who are good at something (eg singing) and can’t help singing in front of an audience (with every opportunity they get)
I am not fat and yet I feel so bad about my body that I don’t like going out in the summer. Actually I hate the summer because I can’t enjoy the beach. I used to play the piano and I think (now) that I was good at it (not gifted or anything, just above average) , and yet every time I tried to show-off , every complex I have ever had , decided to emerge and make me feel worthless, ridiculous, vain, an awful pianist etc. I don’t think that this has ever crossed the mind of an extroverted person…
(sorry for the long post, I got carried away :neutral: )

I think that facing your shyness head on is the only way to be rid of it. I know back in the 8th grade I was super shy, I don’t even want to think how much more I’d have been if I didn’t have an extreamly extroverted and loyal best friend like I did, always insisting that I come along. All the classes that made us present material helped out a little as did all the group projects where you couldn’t avoid interacting with the people. Most of all I think it was my drama class and creative writing class that did the trick for me; after a few humorous skits in drama (which had me practically paralized with shyness and talking so fast you’d think I was running an auction) I felt a little less shy just for the fact that I ‘survived’ something that embarased me so much. Then creative writing was so much more freeing than drama, just for the fact that we had so much room to express ourselves and therefore so much more at risk.

It’s kind of strange but I think that the quote of ‘whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’ is dead on. If you can survive it you can deal with it later with less difficulty. And I think that you’d be surprised on how many people consider you a friend - I think sometimes shy people hold a more stringent definition of friendship which only makes it harder to talk to people. I’m just glad that I had drama to force me out of shyness back in 8th grade - by the time I graduated this last May I made a big change and had made friends of most everyone I had in a class in those four years.

:smile: Ok, sorry for being long. Just remember that there isn’t really anything to lose by talking to people and showing them who you are; if they don’t like who you are then it’s their loss. As so long as you are happy with who you are it’s all good :cool:


“Better a fool for a moment than foolish for a lifetime.” -unknown

"If a girl comes up to me to talk i say to myself, dont look like an idiot(repeat x 30) "

Set, that may be a big part of wherre your problem is coming from. I have social phobia, I have been diagnosed and therapied and all I can say for the one thing that will abosolutley make my anxiety stop is to STOP CRITISIZING MYSELF. If I go into a situation and I’m watching my every move judging it saying, oh that was so stupid, oh I should say this or that, oh I’m going to panic and then be embarassed when they noticed it makes me panic every time. But if I say to myself “I’m not going to critisize myself even if I have a panic attack or I mess up really baddly. I’ll just do my best and let it be” then I feel relaxed and realize that no one else always knows what to say either. I’m not pretending that it’s easy to start thinking that way but it’s worth a try I think.
You might say, “how can I improve if I don’t critisize myself” but really you can detachedly look at what you did without calling yourself dumb or putting yourself down in any way. Screw what other people think! Because really if you’re too afriad to do anything because you are afraid they wont like you, they won’t even know you at all so you aren’t even giving them the chance to like you. And if someone doesn’t want to be your friend or date you then it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you at all. It’s just their personal preference. You probably wouldn’t want to date me, but that doesn’t mean that I’m disgusting or anything. :smile:

I think we’ve located the problem…Your shyness is the least of your problems when it comes to girls…I believe the medical term is vaginitis…or in layman’s terms being a giant pussy. lol