FUNNY WRITING SAMPLES
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides
gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was
room-temperature Canadian beef.
She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes
just before it throws up.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because
of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn’t.
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled
with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p. m. instead of 7:30.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having
left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka
at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East
River.
Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only
one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this
plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.
“Oh, Jason, take me!”; she panted, her breasts heaving like a college
freshman on $1-a-beer night.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a
real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine
or something.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee
(D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to
Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill. ) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on
the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
mshe were a garbage truck backing up.
She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any
pH cleanser.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal
paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to
the wall.
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