[color=indigo]hehe, my fave michael jackson joke=
What’s the best thing about having sex with 22 year olds?
There’s 20 of em! heeeheee 
[/color]
I don’t know if this has been posted already, but. . .
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually
appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
-
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. -
Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER &FASTING
Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals.” -
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight:
“Searching for Jesus.” -
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. -
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your
husbands.” -
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict. -
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
-
Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t
care much about you. -
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
-
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation. -
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery
downstairs. -
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get. -
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack’s sermons. -
During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit. -
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing “Break Forth into Joy.” -
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow. -
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is
Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice. -
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -
The Lutheran men’s group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served or a nominal feel. -
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered. -
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
-
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility. -
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
-
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. they may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. -
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door. -
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. -
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance. -
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
-
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.”
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don’t react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we’re gonna get killed!”
My name is Billy Evans. I AM a very sick little boy.
My mother is typing this for me, because I can’t. She Is crying. The reason she is so sad is because I’m so Sick. I was Born without a body. It doesn’t hurt, Except when I try to breathe.
The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is A burlap Bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the Best they could do on account of us having no money or Insurance.
I would like to have A body transplant, but we need More money. Mommy doesn’t work because she said nobody Hires crying people. I said, " Don’t cry, Mommy and " and She hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, Even though she’s allergic to burlap and it makes her Sneeze and chafes her real bad.
I hope you will help me. You can help me if you Forward this email to everyone you know. Forward it to People you don’t know, the too. Dr. Johansen said that for Every person you forward this email to, Bill Gates Will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With That funding, NASA will collect prayers from school Children all over America and have the astronauts take Them up into space so that the angels can hear them Better.
Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, And he will take up A collection in church and send All the money to the doctors. The doctors could help Me get better then. Maybe one day I will be able to Play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.
Every time you forward this letter, the astronauts can Take more prayers to the angels and my dream will be Closer to coming true. Please help me. Mommy is so Sad and and I want a body. I don’t want my leaves to rot Before I turn 10
If you don’t forward this email, that’s okay. Mommy Says you’re a mean and heartless bastard who doesn’t care about a poor little boy with only a head. She says that if you don’t stew in the raw pit of your own Guilt-ridden stomach, she hopes you die a long slow, Horrible death and then burn forever in hell.
What kind of cruel person are you that you can’t take Five freakin’ minutes to forward this to all your Friends so that they can feel guilt and shame about Ignoring a poor, bodiless nine-year-old boy? Please Help me.
I try to be happy, but it’s hard. I wish I had a Kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could Hold a kitty that wouldn’t chew on me and try to bury Its crap in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that Very much.
Thank You,
Billy " Smiles " Evans
The Truth: This is obviously satire about all the eRumors that appeal for forwarded emails to help sick people. We’ve had a surprising number of inquiries, however, from people asking about it.
Just a few one-liners that were sent to me from work this morning. Good to see they haven’t forgotten about me while I’m taking the week off. 
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He’s not dead, he’s electroencephalographically challenged.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Everybody lies, but it doesn’t matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
I like the last one.
I love that one! Thanks for sharing.
Those remind me of some weird rhetorical questions/sayings I have:
If you have x-ray vision, and you can see through anything, wouldn’t you see through everything and actually see nothing?
If you’re caught between a rock and a hard place, is the rock not hard?
If you decide that you’re indecisive, which one are you?
If you tell someone they are being judgmental, aren’t you being judgmental yourself?
Why is the name of the phobia for the fear of long words: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?
How fast do hot cakes sell?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
What’s the opposite of opposite?
If there’s an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn’t they do it best by not torturing themselves and if so, aren’t we all masochist?
Aren’t you tired of people asking you rhetorical questions and you don’t know if they are rhetorical questions or not?
What if the hokey-pokey is what it’s all about?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
If you get cheated by the better business bureau, who do you complain to?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling, “Movie! Movie!”? (LOL)
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? (ROFL)
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Shouldn’t it be: some things in moderation?
What hair color do they put on the driver’s license of a bald man?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
I live in my own little world. But it’s okay–they know me here.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. NEVER drink and derive!
I’m a nobody and nobody is perfect. Therefore, I’m perfect.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
…And you’re telling me this because?
Dog hiding in bushes. Knows your here. Ring bell. Act calm.
Are you ignorant or apathetic? I don’t know. I don’t care.
It’s been a long week and it’s only Tuesday. It’s been a long week today.
Gravity. It’s not just a good idea. It’s the Law!
Ask me anything. I’m full of s**t. I mean answers.
Don’t make me mad. I will go buy more shoes.
So many stupid people. So few comets.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the “accident of evolution” had created. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind. As he turned to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He tried to run even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically as he tried to run even faster, but he tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him.
At that instant he cried out “Oh my God!” Just then, time stopped. The bear froze, the forest was silent, the river even stopped moving.
A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, “You deny my existence all of these years, teach others I don’t exist and even credit my creation to a cosmic accident and now do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist, ever prideful, looked into the light and said “it would be rather hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, so could you make the bear a Christian?”
“Very well”, said the voice. As the light went out, the river ran, the sounds of the forest continued and the bear put his paw down.
The bear then brought both paws together, bowed his head and said, “Lord I thank you for this food which I am about to receive…”
Dan Quayle, Vice President to George Bush from 1988-1992, is one of the most famous misstatement makers ever. Here is a collection of some of his most notorious flubs.
“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.”
“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
“You all look like happy campers to me. Happy campers you are, happy campers you have been, and, as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be.”
“El Salvador is a democracy so it’s not surprising that there are many voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with Salvadorans, I have heard a single voice.”
“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.”
“If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure.”
“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.”
“I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.”
“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.”
“We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.”
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
“My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.”
“I deserve respect for the things I did not do.”
“I feel that this is my first year, that next year is an election year, that the third year is the mid point, and that the fourth year is the last chance I’ll have to make a record since the last two years; I’ll be a candidate again. Everything I do in those last two years will be posturing for the election. But right now I don’t have to do that.”
“This President is going to lead us out of this recovery.”
“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.”
“For NASA, space is still a high priority.”
“[The U.S. victory in Gulf War was a] stirring victory for the forces of aggression.”
“Bank failures are caused by depositors who don’t deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.”
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century. I didn’t live in this century.”
“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
“Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If there is oxygen, then we can breathe.”
“The future will be better tomorrow.”
“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have tremendous impact on history.”
“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.”
“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.”
“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is ‘to be prepared.’”
“Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we’re going forward to tomorrow or whether we’re going to go past to the – to the back!”
“The loss of life will be irreplaceable.”
“Bobby Knight told me this: ‘There is nothing that a good defense cannot beat a better offense.’ In other words a good offense wins.”
“It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.”
“This isn’t a man who is leaving with his head between his legs.”
“Unfortunately, the people of Louisiana are not racists.”
“We lead in exporting jobs.” – Committing a Freudian slip while speaking to the Chamber of Commerce of Evansville, Indiana, a city which lost four large companies in the previous four years. He quickly changed the word ‘jobs’ to ‘products.’
“If you give a person a fish, they’ll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they’ll fish for a lifetime.”
“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.”
“Votes are like trees, if you are trying to build a forest. If you have more trees than you have forests, then at that point the pollsters will probably say you will win.”
“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.”
“Clinton cannot possibly win in 2000.” – Referring to Bill Clinton, who had already served two terms as President by 2000.
“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.”
“Every once in a while, you let a word or phrase out, and you want to catch it and bring it back. You can’t do that. It’s gone, gone forever.”
“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.”
Few things i made up today when preparing my morning coffee.
You know you have been too much into LD recently, when…
… you ask from your boss, who is he and what he is doing here in your dream.
… you are faced with group of hooligans who want to rob you and beat you up, but instead of running away you start to make RC.
… you fail to recognize that this is not LD, but public place IRL, and you start to shout: “Where is this old witch i saw in my dream last night!?”
… you slap yourself forehead in restaurant and blame yourself out loud: “I forgot to squeeze my nose, AGAIN!”
… you think you are in LD and forgetting to make RC, you rush to a beautiful girl on the street and start to kiss her.
The following are taken from my funny archive. These first ones are messages on t-shirts:
Sarcasm, just one more service I offer
Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
I love to give homemade gifts! Which one of my children would you like?
I may not hear you, but I probably don’t want to either.
No one knows the trouble I’ve been.
If life is a journey, shouldn’t you be moving along?
Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?
Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE all out to get you.
So, you’re a feminist. . .isn’t that cute!
When life gives you lemons, keep them because, HEY, free lemons!
Selective Hearing. It works for me!
A random quote that I found hilarious at the time:
From Conan O’Brien (quoted in TV guide)
“A survey found that 45% of single men have not had sex in six months. A spokesman for the single men said: ‘Star Trek Rules!’
And now for the good stuff. *I don’t know if these are truthful (you get the old “urban legend” argument).
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and facemask.
A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.
Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied.
You guessed it.
One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breaststroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5’10" of the fire.
Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.
This article was taken from the California Examiner, March 20, 1998
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house.
The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels, blotted up the petrol, and threw the towels in the toilet. The man was treated and released to come home.
Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.
She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
Taken from a Florida Newspaper.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80, 000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
The point of these stories, according to the internet, is to remember how bad your day COULD get. Don’t you feel much better now? 
LOL! Those are great sno_isulli 
Here’s a classic one:
Bird poop
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen
you in a while. What happened? You look terrible!”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate. “I feel fine.”
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m
fine, now.”
“Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.
My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked
up, and one of them pooped in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t lose an eye just from
some bird poop.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
LOL, mystic.
SPOONERISM: A common type of verbal blunder involves switching the initial sounds of a pair of words. The term “Spoonerism” is an eponym of the late Reverend William Archibald Spooner, who had a notorious penchant for this kind of error.
Attributed to Reverend Spooner:
“Three cheers for our queer old dean!”
“It is kisstomary to cuss the bride.”
“Those girls are sin twisters.”
“Is the bean dizzy?” (I crack up every time I read this one.)
“The Lord is a shoving leopard.”
“When the boys come back from France, we’ll have the hags flung out.”
“Let me sew you to your sheet.”
“The enemy fled quickly from the ears and sparrows.”
“She joins this club over my bed doddy.” (LOL.)
“The old revival hymn, ‘Shall We Rather At the Giver?’”
“There is no peace in a home where a dinner swells.”
“I see before me tons of soil.” – A greeting to a group of farmers; he meant to say, “sons of toil.”
“We all know what it is to have a half-warmed fish inside us.” – A statement made when he meant to say, “Half-formed wish.”
“You have hissed my mystery lectures; you have tasted the whole worm.”
Hmm, Halo. . .Um, like, the thing over an angel’s head? No?
I’m sorry, but this just cracked me up. Like that description is supposed to be Earth-shattering or something? *Heh, maybe it is and I just know nothing about this. . .Bring on the clowns. . .
*Sorry for going off-topic. I consider that Halo talk to be pretty off-topic too, though.
[color=indigo](no jokes sorry…flog me!)
I just wanted to say that I can’t help saying low the mawn whenever I go to get the lawnmower out, It keeps tormenting me![/color]
Low the Mown. I had to think about that for a few seconds before I could actually clearly think it the way it would sound.
A few years back, I attended a wake for my cousin. It wasn’t the best experience but one of the main things I remember from the occassion was filling up on orange cream savors, and my silly and a little dumb uncle announcing, “Let’s go outside and get a fresh of breath air.” It doesn’t actually count as a spoonerism, but it made my day!
One of my favorites, a list of actual car insurance claims
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In an attempt to kill a fly I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
One day at the end of class little Stormy’s teacher had the class go home and think of a story to tell, and then conclude with the moral of that
story.
The following day when the teacher asked for the first volunteer
to tell their story, little Lizzybelle raised her hand. “My dad owns a
farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” The teacher asked for the moral of the story and Lizzybelle replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Next came Lindsyjo. “Well my dad owns a farm too and
every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” The teacher asked for the moral of the story and Lindsyjo replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Last was little Stormy. “My Uncle Bob fought in the Vietnam War;
his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out
before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete
and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed
the last ten with his bare hands.” Teacher looked in shock at Stormy and
asked what could possibly be the moral to the story. Stormy replied, “Don’t **** with Uncle Bob when he’s been drinking.”
One of the best parts of MSN. . .News of the Weird. Here are two examples of the crippling stupidity in the world. Forgive the pun!
Criminals Dealing With Disabilities
William Basil Armstrong, 56, was charged with robbing the Clark Mart in Akron, Ohio, in May; he gave up partway through, though, and had to ask the clerk to please run out to Armstrong’s car and retrieve his oxygen tank, which he requires for a respiratory condition. And in November 2003, Mark Shleifer, 48, pleaded guilty in Doylestown, Pa., to possessing more than 1,000 pictures of child pornography, even though he is legally blind. [Akron Beacon Journal, 5-20-04] [The Intelligencer (Doylestown), 11-18-03]
====Apologies if these are a bit rude====
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”
A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunction as his specialty. On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases.
The doctor opened the first patient’s door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn’t have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock.
The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well.
Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, “What disease does this man have?” “Oh,” said the doctor, “He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.”
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?”
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the “Grandma Moses of Jail”. Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled, saying, “I brought these.”
The other two were puzzled and asked, “What on earth can you do with those?”
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating…”
