Some funnies... airline maintenance

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a
sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance
complaints and problems, known as “squawks,” submitted by
QUANTAS pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers. By the way Quantas is the only major airline that has
never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.

S = The solution and action recorded by the engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers
lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

Hehe, those are pretty funny! Thanks for sharing :happy:

for anyone wondering the *** is the c0ckpit where the pilot sits, but due to a messed up word filter it won’t show. :confused: :help:

wordfilter unmessed :biggrin:

LOL, hilarious.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

That one particularly cracked me up.

Hehe. They’re all good. My favorite is probably:
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

I do recall another one about a midget and a hammer that was pretty funny but can’t remember it now. Oh well. Thanks for those.

“As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in the most uncomfortable position”

“Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergancy water landing, please take them with out compliments”

“We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the plane.”

“Smoking in lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in th lavatories wull be asked to leave the plane immediately.”

“The aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passangers not remaining in there seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop will be strip=searched as they leave the plane.”

“As you leave the plane take all belongings. Anything left behind will be kept among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one of the plane must clean it!”

“We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in our history. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight.”

“Welcome abord the Soutchwest Flight XXX to ABC. To operate your seat belts insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull it tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you dont know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be left in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden lose of cabin pressure, oxgen masks will desend from the ceiling.Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have small children travelling, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you have more than one child chose which one you love the most.”

“Thankyou, and remember that nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest airlines”

After a hard landing to Amarillo: “Please remian seated while the captain taxis what’s left of our plane to the terminal.”

The propeller is just a big fan on the front of the plane is used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.

A “good” landing is one from which you can actually walk away" A “great” landing is one after whic h they can use the plain again.

I had to share this irrelivant one.

From a school newspaper report:
Our new school hight intensity teaching (S.H.I.T) aims to give students a more structured education than ever before. We plan to give our students more S.H.I.T than any other school. If you feel your son/daugter is not getting there fair share of S.H.I.T please contact their lecturer to talk about more S.H.I.T.

I don’t believe that!

Flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

Over heard during a safety demonstration: "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways outta this airplane so you better pay attention!

"Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

This was overheard on an American Airlines flight on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

An airline pilot had hammered his plane into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, “Thanks for flying with us”. He said that in light of the bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”